Today's post will have very little writing from me, and rather a lot of quoting the Bible. In hindsight, it wouldn't be a bad thing if more of my posts followed suit. Also, I didn't quote the Bible at the start, because it will tell the story as we go along.
Recall that Solomon and his bride had a bit of conflict. He wanted to be intimate, she rejected him, he walked away, she tried to find him but failed.
She got a fitful bit of sleep, due to nightmares of being punished for how she hurt her man. But now she has a bit of a calmer state of mind, and instead of searching around in a panic, she turns to her friends for help:
[Her]
[8] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
if you find my beloved,
that you tell him
I am sick with love.
(Song of Solomon 5:8 ESV)
She calls to her friends, and what does she say? She could complain to them about how her husband walked away and left her in a panic. She could have complained about her own mistake and how it's ruined things. She could have asked for their advice.
Instead, she only asks one thing: "if you see my beloved, tell him I love him."
You might expect her friends to swoon and say "How sweet!" Instead, they say this:
[Others - Her Friends]
[9] What is your beloved more than another beloved,
O most beautiful among women?
What is your beloved more than another beloved,
that you thus adjure us?
(Song of Solomon 5:9 ESV)
Basically, they ask, "Why? What's so special about Solomon that you're so keen to be with him again?"
She answers:
[10] My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
distinguished among ten thousand.
[11] His head is the finest gold;
his locks are wavy,
black as a raven.
[12] His eyes are like doves
beside streams of water,
bathed in milk,
sitting beside a full pool.
[13] His cheeks are like beds of spices,
mounds of sweet-smelling herbs.
His lips are lilies,
dripping liquid myrrh.
[14] His arms are rods of gold,
set with jewels.
His body is polished ivory,
bedecked with sapphires.
[15] His legs are alabaster columns,
set on bases of gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as the cedars.
[16] His mouth is most sweet,
and he is altogether desirable.
This is my beloved and this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.
(Song of Solomon 5:10-16 ESV)
In short: she's crazily attracted to him! He's physically appealing to her, but more than that, she culminates this whole description by saying that he is her beloved and he is her friend. She loves him.
And just like that, this whole conflict takes one giant step towards resolution.
You see, her friends just did something brilliant. Instead of putting the focus on the conflict and asking about all the juicy details, they shift the focus back onto the love that this woman has for her husband.
And just like that, the conflict on her side evaporates. Her panic flees as she remembers how much she loves him, how attractive he is, how blessed she is to have him as her husband. Instead of complaining or bemoaning, she is now praising her husband. She's obviously eager to be with him again, and this time, in love.
And thus we discover the key to resolving nearly any conflict in any relationship: focus on your love for each other, not on the conflict itself.
To be sure, the conflict will need to be resolved officially, with apologies and repentance and the like. That's still coming, for Solomon and his bride.
But first, you need to get your hearts in the right place.
If you walk away and focus on the conflict, you'll come back ready for war. You'll arm yourself with all the reasons you have to be angry, and have a list of demands of all the things your loved one has to do to make things right.
In other words, you'll be stupidly selfish. You'll focus on how you've been wronged, and how they now have to serve you to make it all right.
And that won't solve anything. It will create chaos. Selfishness destroys relationships; it doesn't set things right.
So instead of focusing on why you're angry with each other, focus on why you fell in love with each other. Focus on each others' good qualities. Admittedly, sometimes you'll need to cool down, first. Solomon's wife did; she slept a bit, which cooled her off before she called to her friends.
If you truly want to resolve your conflict, you need to re-orient your heart to loving the other person, instead of going to war against them. It might not feel right, at first; we're a society who grows up expecting movies and TV shows to depict glorious revenge whenever someone is wronged.
But revenge and selfishness never solve anything. They can't resolve conflict; they only elongate and prolong it, making it worse in the end, not better.
So to sum it all up: if you truly want to resolve your conflict, focus your heart on why you love this other person. It's the only way to truly make things right again.
And if you feel like you don't have the emotional strength to do this... you're probably right. It's not natural to our fallen condition, as sinful human beings.
This is why we pray. The strength isn't ours; it's God's. This is just one of the many gifts that Jesus bought for us by suffering in our place on the Cross. Jesus bought us the grace to love each other, even when society expects us to get revenge, to get even, to get angry, or even to get panicky.
Pray and love; love and pray.
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