[She]
[5] I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
[6] I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he departed.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
[7] The watchmen found me
as they went about in the city;
they beat me, they bruised me,
they took away my veil,
those watchmen of the walls.
(Song of Solomon 5:5-7 ESV)
Last week we introduced this marital conflict and discussed Solomon's initial response to it. Today we'll look at how the woman responds, and how it teaches us what not to do in times of interpersonal crisis.
Today's message, in brief: if we let our emotions run wild with us during times of conflict, it will make matters worse. It won't solve anything.
This bride delayed opening the bedroom door to her husband when he wanted to be with her, intimately. She delayed so long that he gave up and left. When she finally opens the door, he's long gone.
And then she realizes what she's done. Her new husband just wanted to be with her, and she shot him down.
Then she says, "My soul failed me when he departed," meaning that she fell into a sharp depression. She searched for him and called out to him, but he had gone far away; he didn't answer.
Recall that in chapter 3, this woman suffered anxiety wondering whether her man would stay with her or seek someone else. She has an underlying fear that she's not worthy enough to keep his attention, and so she often fears that he will one day leave her.
At this moment in the ongoing conflict, these fears resurface. She's afraid that because she denied and rejected him, he's left her. Her emotions get the best of her. Despite the fact that they are newlyweds, despite his continuing professions of love for her, she fears that he's gone, and her fears take her over.
Her fears are so strong that when she falls back asleep, after searching in vain for her husband, she dreams that the watchmen of the city beat her up as punishment for what she's done.
Emotionally, she wants herself to be punished. She feels that she deserves it, for hurting her husband so bad that he left the palace in the dead of night.
This woman is essentially doing the flip-side of what we talked about last Friday. Solomon demonstrated wisdom; instead of punishing her in any way for how she hurt him, he walked away. As Christians, we have to rely on the truth that the punishment for all sin committed against us was paid by Christ on the Cross. We therefore have no need to punish anybody who hurts us.
But Solomon's bride illustrates another key point in this discussion. Just as the Cross means we don't punish others for their sins, neither do we punish ourselves for our own sins.
This woman is caught up in the fact that she hurt the man she loved, and now she fears that she's lost him. She wants to punish herself for her stupidity, and does so in her heart and in her dreams.
But there is no need for her to punish herself! Yes, she did something stupid, but Christ already suffered the just penalty of that sin, as well.
She gains absolutely nothing by punishing herself. God is not impressed by how terrible we make ourselves feel, by how much we regret our actions.
As humans, we are hard-wired to resort to works-righteousness instead of grace. That means that when we do something wrong, we feel like we have to make up for it. It feels right, emotionally. It's how our parents raised us and how society trains us. If we do wrong, we have to make it right.
But that's not how God works. We have done wrong, but we can never make it right. Only Jesus can make it right, and He already did so on the Cross.
That means that when we do something stupid and someone gets hurt, we should not punish ourselves. It might feel right, but it gains us absolutely nothing.
Look at this woman. She punishes herself, but what does she gain? Nothing happens, aside from getting a terrible night of sleep. Her conflict with Solomon is not resolved; her soul is not comforted; no solution presents itself; she doesn't even feel better about herself. It just makes the whole experience worse for her.
Their conflict is eventually resolved, which we'll talk about on Wednesday and Friday, but it does not come about through emotional self-punishment.
To be clear, that doesn't mean that when you hurt someone, you act gleeful instead of feeling sad. It's right to feel sad for the hurt you caused, for the damage the relationship took. But there's a world of difference between feeling sad and beating yourself up for your mistakes!
This difference is mostly in the intention behind the feelings. If you're feeling sad because things aren't as they should be, that's a healthy sign from a heart that yearns for things to be right. This is perfectly fine.
But if your emotions are coming instead from the idea that you have to atone for your sins, then you are straying into sin. If you feel like you should suffer for your mistakes, if you feel like you deserve to feel bad, if you feel like you don't deserve to feel good until this is fixed, if you're trying to appease your accusing conscience by making yourself feel worse, if you feel like God won't be happy with you until you show how sorry you are for your mistakes, if you feel like you have to earn your way back into favor with Him, then you are trying to replace Christ on the Cross. Instead of trusting in Him to suffer for your sins, you are saying that you have to shoulder some of the suffering, too. But there's only room on the Cross for one, and Jesus is already nailed there. He isn't moving over to let you on.
So to everyone out there who is ever inclined to punish yourself, I ask you to learn from the example of this woman.
Punishing yourself, even just by making yourself feel bad, doesn't help anything. It has no power to repair damage.
Instead of trying to punish yourself, realize that Christ suffered it all. Then, in the freedom of knowing that you don't have to pay God back for your mistakes, go and apologize to those you've hurt.
One final thought:
To be clear, you'll never have to make things right with God. That's the meaning of the Cross; Jesus already made it right.
But you might have to make it right to someone else. For example, if you stole something of theirs, you'll have to give it back.
Yet these actions, these ways of making things right with other people, are actions. They aren't feelings.
You don't make things right by making yourself suffer. You make things right by acting in love and repentance to those you've hurt.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
SoS 5:2-6 Conflict, Part 2: Absence
[She]
[2] I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
"Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night."
[3] I had put off my garment;
how could I put it on?
I had bathed my feet;
how could I soil them?
[4] My beloved put his hand to the latch,
and my heart was thrilled within me.
[5] I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
[6] I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
Song of Solomon 5:2-6, ESV.
In the last post, we talked a little bit about how this conflict came about. It wasn't intentional; Solomon's bride was half-asleep, and didn't get up to let Solomon in when he wanted an intimate evening with her. She finally woke up a bit later and opened the door, but he had long sense gone.
From Solomon's perspective, she had flat-out rejected him. He only wanted to be with her, and she had shot him down. While it's true that she was half-asleep and may not have even realized what she was doing, he still felt the pain of her actions.
And then what does he do? He walks away.
This doesn't seem like much, but take a moment and think about what's NOT present in this conflict:
Solomon doesn't shout at her angrily.
Solomon doesn't demand that she obey him.
Solomon doesn't call her names.
Solomon doesn't embarrass her publicly (they are in a palace, after all; other people are nearby).
Solomon doesn't threaten her.
Solomon doesn't vow to punish her or get her back for denying him.
No, Solomon does none of these things. In the world's eyes, he had a right to; he was sinned against, so he could retaliate. We have plenty of movies and TV shows that glorify a man lashing out when he's been sinned against.
But this isn't the way we do things in the Kingdom of God.
It's a foregone conclusion that we will sin against people we love. Sometimes our sin is unintentional, as it may be here with Solomon's bride. Yet it still hurts.
So if it's certain that we'll hurt each other, the only question is how to deal with it. The answer is Jesus.
Let me explain. In the Cross, Jesus suffered for every single sin we would ever commit. That means that every offense you will commit against those you love, and every sin they will commit against you, fell on Jesus on the Cross. He already suffered the full wrath and penalty that they merited.
That means that we never need to punish someone for their sins. Jesus was already punished for their sins.
So when someone sins against us, we don't need to avenge ourselves. We don't get angry and lash out. We don't punish them. We don't embarrass them. We don't shout at them. We don't have to defend ourselves.
At the same time, we're not just letting the sin go, as if we can just forget about something that hurt us. Someone needs to suffer the just penalty for that sin. And someone did. Jesus suffered it all. We got our justice as His blood flowed.
So like Solomon, when we're hurt, we can simply walk away for a bit. Instead of hurting the person we love, we can deal with this situation in a way that hurts no one any further.
That's not to say that the answer is always literally to get up and walk away for a few minutes. Sometimes this can be a very good thing; for one, it removes the immediate temptation to lash out and helps you keep a lid on things, so that you don't do something you'll later regret.
But there are other ways to peaceably deal with situations. Some people can't let conflict linger; they have to deal with it immediately. For these people, walking around probably won't help so much. That's fine; there are other ways to deal with conflict calmly.
The point is that because Solomon reacted this way, there was no further hurt or sin added to the conflict to make the situation worse.
When we're hurt, it's incredibly easy to react out of pain and do things that only make matters worse.
Solomon encourages us instead to channel our emotional energy into the Cross. You were hurt, yes. Jesus feels your hurt. He also took the guilt for the action that hurt you. He then suffered the full weight of punishment that you feel should be dealt out for that offense.
Let the weight of that sink in. Let your heart wrap around that truth. Let the punishment that Jesus suffered lift the weight of anger off your soul.
Then you can walk away and wait for a bit. And then, like Solomon and his bride, you can resolve this situation in peace, in love, without anger, shouting, or any further pain.
Peace is always possible.
But only when you realize that you were avenged in the Cross of Jesus, and you stop trying to avenge yourself against others.
[2] I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
"Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night."
[3] I had put off my garment;
how could I put it on?
I had bathed my feet;
how could I soil them?
[4] My beloved put his hand to the latch,
and my heart was thrilled within me.
[5] I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
[6] I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
Song of Solomon 5:2-6, ESV.
In the last post, we talked a little bit about how this conflict came about. It wasn't intentional; Solomon's bride was half-asleep, and didn't get up to let Solomon in when he wanted an intimate evening with her. She finally woke up a bit later and opened the door, but he had long sense gone.
From Solomon's perspective, she had flat-out rejected him. He only wanted to be with her, and she had shot him down. While it's true that she was half-asleep and may not have even realized what she was doing, he still felt the pain of her actions.
And then what does he do? He walks away.
This doesn't seem like much, but take a moment and think about what's NOT present in this conflict:
Solomon doesn't shout at her angrily.
Solomon doesn't demand that she obey him.
Solomon doesn't call her names.
Solomon doesn't embarrass her publicly (they are in a palace, after all; other people are nearby).
Solomon doesn't threaten her.
Solomon doesn't vow to punish her or get her back for denying him.
No, Solomon does none of these things. In the world's eyes, he had a right to; he was sinned against, so he could retaliate. We have plenty of movies and TV shows that glorify a man lashing out when he's been sinned against.
But this isn't the way we do things in the Kingdom of God.
It's a foregone conclusion that we will sin against people we love. Sometimes our sin is unintentional, as it may be here with Solomon's bride. Yet it still hurts.
So if it's certain that we'll hurt each other, the only question is how to deal with it. The answer is Jesus.
Let me explain. In the Cross, Jesus suffered for every single sin we would ever commit. That means that every offense you will commit against those you love, and every sin they will commit against you, fell on Jesus on the Cross. He already suffered the full wrath and penalty that they merited.
That means that we never need to punish someone for their sins. Jesus was already punished for their sins.
So when someone sins against us, we don't need to avenge ourselves. We don't get angry and lash out. We don't punish them. We don't embarrass them. We don't shout at them. We don't have to defend ourselves.
At the same time, we're not just letting the sin go, as if we can just forget about something that hurt us. Someone needs to suffer the just penalty for that sin. And someone did. Jesus suffered it all. We got our justice as His blood flowed.
So like Solomon, when we're hurt, we can simply walk away for a bit. Instead of hurting the person we love, we can deal with this situation in a way that hurts no one any further.
That's not to say that the answer is always literally to get up and walk away for a few minutes. Sometimes this can be a very good thing; for one, it removes the immediate temptation to lash out and helps you keep a lid on things, so that you don't do something you'll later regret.
But there are other ways to peaceably deal with situations. Some people can't let conflict linger; they have to deal with it immediately. For these people, walking around probably won't help so much. That's fine; there are other ways to deal with conflict calmly.
The point is that because Solomon reacted this way, there was no further hurt or sin added to the conflict to make the situation worse.
When we're hurt, it's incredibly easy to react out of pain and do things that only make matters worse.
Solomon encourages us instead to channel our emotional energy into the Cross. You were hurt, yes. Jesus feels your hurt. He also took the guilt for the action that hurt you. He then suffered the full weight of punishment that you feel should be dealt out for that offense.
Let the weight of that sink in. Let your heart wrap around that truth. Let the punishment that Jesus suffered lift the weight of anger off your soul.
Then you can walk away and wait for a bit. And then, like Solomon and his bride, you can resolve this situation in peace, in love, without anger, shouting, or any further pain.
Peace is always possible.
But only when you realize that you were avenged in the Cross of Jesus, and you stop trying to avenge yourself against others.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
SoS 5:2-7 How to Handle Conflict, Part 1
[She]
[2] I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
"Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night."
[3] I had put off my garment;
how could I put it on?
I had bathed my feet;
how could I soil them?
[4] My beloved put his hand to the latch,
and my heart was thrilled within me.
[5] I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
[6] I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
Song of Solomon 5:2-6, ESV.
Today we begin a long series on how to deal with conflict in romantic relationships. Solomon and his bride are of course married by this point, but the things they have to teach us about conflict in relationships applies to every level of romance, whether married, engaged, dating, or even just getting to know someone.
Most of the principles can be applied to any relationship, not just romantic ones, but that's where we'll focus since that's where Song of Solomon focuses.
The first a most basic observation from the passage above: couples who love each other will still sin against each other.
This can sometimes be a strange concept for single people to grasp, but it's unavoidable. When you put two sinful people together in the same house day after day, they will sin against each other, no matter how much they love each other.
In the case of Solomon and his bride, she does something stupid and lazy. (To be fair, men do an equal share of stupid and lazy things; I'm not picking on ladies, here).
Solomon comes back to their bedroom late at night, after a long night of tking care of things kings need to take care of. They're newlyweds, and he wants to be physically intimate with his new bride.
The problem is that his bride has already gone to bed. She's locked the door, bathed, and is already half asleep. When Solomon knocks to be let in, she grumbles in her half-asleep state and basically says, "I'm already in bed. I don't want to get up and let you in."
She makes a few lame excuses. She says she's bathed her feet and doesn't want to soil them by getting out of bed, but she's in the palace. The floor isn't that dirty. She also says that she doesn't want to get up because she's already naked and doesn't want to throw on a robe, which is a cruel excuse to say to her husband who eagerly desires to see her naked.
Solomon continues to try to get in the door. Keyholes were rather large back then, so he sticks his hand in and tries to jimmy the lock. That doesn't work, and his bride still hasn't gotten up and let him in.
So Solomon walks away, dejected. To him, it feels like rejection. All he wanted was a night of intimacy with the woman he loves, and she couldn't even get up and open the door for him.
But eventually, his wife wakes from her half-asleep stupor and starts to feel romantic. She goes to the door eager to see her husband, but she's too late. He's already gone. In her half-asleep state, what felt to her as a few moments was a lot longer to Solomon. By the time she felt ready to have a romantic moment, he was long gone.
So this whole conflicts boils down to a moment of selfishness on her part. She wasn't trying to be malicious; she was half-asleep and snug in bed. But her refusal to open to her husband hit him hard. She may not have thought she was rejecting him, but she certainly was, and he clearly felt it.
We'll talk a lot more about this in days to come, going into more detail and exploring how the couple deals with this sin.
But for now, let's focus on this one key point.
Recognize that when you're in a relationship, you will sin against the other person, and they will sin against you. It's unavoidable.
To be sure, you should do everything you can to avoid sinning against each other. Take some advice from Philippians 2:3-4: "in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
In other words, there will be times when you don't feel like being nice, or doing something that your partner wants. Solomon's bride sure didn't feel like getting out of bed.
Yet it's in these moments that your love can shine through the clearest. When your partner sees you doing something for them when they know that you don't feel like, that's when they see that you truly do care about them. That's how you prove that you're not in this for selfish reasons, but for genuine love.
But in those moments when one of you does something stupid and the other is hurt, remember Jesus. God has already forgiven you for every moment of sin you have ever committed against Him, and you have sinned against God far more often and in far deeper ways than you will ever be able to sin against your romantic partner.
So because God has forgiven you of far worse, I urge you forgive each other, no matter what the offense.
If you try to punish each other for the sins committed against you, you'll end up with a battleground.
If you forgive each other and strive to consider the other as better than yourself, you'll end up with an oasis of love.
[2] I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
"Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night."
[3] I had put off my garment;
how could I put it on?
I had bathed my feet;
how could I soil them?
[4] My beloved put his hand to the latch,
and my heart was thrilled within me.
[5] I arose to open to my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with liquid myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
[6] I opened to my beloved,
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
Song of Solomon 5:2-6, ESV.
Today we begin a long series on how to deal with conflict in romantic relationships. Solomon and his bride are of course married by this point, but the things they have to teach us about conflict in relationships applies to every level of romance, whether married, engaged, dating, or even just getting to know someone.
Most of the principles can be applied to any relationship, not just romantic ones, but that's where we'll focus since that's where Song of Solomon focuses.
The first a most basic observation from the passage above: couples who love each other will still sin against each other.
This can sometimes be a strange concept for single people to grasp, but it's unavoidable. When you put two sinful people together in the same house day after day, they will sin against each other, no matter how much they love each other.
In the case of Solomon and his bride, she does something stupid and lazy. (To be fair, men do an equal share of stupid and lazy things; I'm not picking on ladies, here).
Solomon comes back to their bedroom late at night, after a long night of tking care of things kings need to take care of. They're newlyweds, and he wants to be physically intimate with his new bride.
The problem is that his bride has already gone to bed. She's locked the door, bathed, and is already half asleep. When Solomon knocks to be let in, she grumbles in her half-asleep state and basically says, "I'm already in bed. I don't want to get up and let you in."
She makes a few lame excuses. She says she's bathed her feet and doesn't want to soil them by getting out of bed, but she's in the palace. The floor isn't that dirty. She also says that she doesn't want to get up because she's already naked and doesn't want to throw on a robe, which is a cruel excuse to say to her husband who eagerly desires to see her naked.
Solomon continues to try to get in the door. Keyholes were rather large back then, so he sticks his hand in and tries to jimmy the lock. That doesn't work, and his bride still hasn't gotten up and let him in.
So Solomon walks away, dejected. To him, it feels like rejection. All he wanted was a night of intimacy with the woman he loves, and she couldn't even get up and open the door for him.
But eventually, his wife wakes from her half-asleep stupor and starts to feel romantic. She goes to the door eager to see her husband, but she's too late. He's already gone. In her half-asleep state, what felt to her as a few moments was a lot longer to Solomon. By the time she felt ready to have a romantic moment, he was long gone.
So this whole conflicts boils down to a moment of selfishness on her part. She wasn't trying to be malicious; she was half-asleep and snug in bed. But her refusal to open to her husband hit him hard. She may not have thought she was rejecting him, but she certainly was, and he clearly felt it.
We'll talk a lot more about this in days to come, going into more detail and exploring how the couple deals with this sin.
But for now, let's focus on this one key point.
Recognize that when you're in a relationship, you will sin against the other person, and they will sin against you. It's unavoidable.
To be sure, you should do everything you can to avoid sinning against each other. Take some advice from Philippians 2:3-4: "in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
In other words, there will be times when you don't feel like being nice, or doing something that your partner wants. Solomon's bride sure didn't feel like getting out of bed.
Yet it's in these moments that your love can shine through the clearest. When your partner sees you doing something for them when they know that you don't feel like, that's when they see that you truly do care about them. That's how you prove that you're not in this for selfish reasons, but for genuine love.
But in those moments when one of you does something stupid and the other is hurt, remember Jesus. God has already forgiven you for every moment of sin you have ever committed against Him, and you have sinned against God far more often and in far deeper ways than you will ever be able to sin against your romantic partner.
So because God has forgiven you of far worse, I urge you forgive each other, no matter what the offense.
If you try to punish each other for the sins committed against you, you'll end up with a battleground.
If you forgive each other and strive to consider the other as better than yourself, you'll end up with an oasis of love.
Monday, October 15, 2012
SoS 5:1 Sex is Beautiful
[God]
Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love!
(Song of Solomon 5:1 ESV)
The message of this verse is very simple, but very powerful. In short: God delights in the loving physical intimacy of a married couple.
This shouldn't be a surprising statement, but given the way some churches have handled the topic of sexuality, it can be. Some churches have as if sexuality is gross, disgusting, and evil. The people who grow up in these churches can then end up thinking that it's a disgusting part of marriage, a necessary evil to be endured for the sake of pleasing one's spouse or bearing children.
To these people, let me simply say what Scripture says. God created physical intimacy; it was always part of His plan, even before the Fall. By itself, sex is not disgusting or gross. It is beautiful.
To be sure, sex can be made to be gross or disgusting in any number of ways. But when it is kept sacred between a husband and his wife, when it is part fo their holistic intimacy, then it is entirely beautiful.
There are others among us who don't think sex is gross, but instead want as much of it as possible. This can include those who sleep around constantly, as well as those who have never touched anyone sexually, but have vast harems of lust in their minds. As Jesus said, lust in the mind and heart is the same as lust carried out with flesh.
To these people, let me ask you to consider again just what exactly God is blessing, here. He doesn't bless sex for the sake of sex; He blesses physical intimacy between a man and his wife on their wedding night.
God chooses to bless only physical intimacy in marriage precisely because it's the best sex possible. God designed sex to be the best when it's done in committed marriage, and no where else.
To be sure, there are many ways in which physical intimacy can be neglected and neutered in marriage. To keep enjoying sex in marriage as it was intended, the husband and wife have to keep pursuing each other romantically outside of the bedroom, serve each other inside it, and in general love each other so unconditionally that they consider each other better than themselves in their actions.
Some may still think that it's prudish and old-fashioned to reserve sex for marriage. After all, everybody else is doing it, and they're getting along just fine. That's the impression that shows like How I Met Your Mother give us, anyway.
But even secular research is realizing that God had it right from the beginning when He established the pattern of sex only for marriage. Consider the following articles:
In this first one, a secular study found that couples who abstain from sex early on and save it for later in the relationship are far more likely to have their relationship last. Conversely, couples who rush to sex are far more likely to be unhappy and far less likely to last in the long-term.
In this next one, the AARP found that the general population is more accepting of sex outside of marriage than ever before (only 22% consider non-marital sex to be wrong), but that satisfaction in their sex lives has gone way down. (Their only guess as to why is due to the economy, which is just a wild shot in the dark).
This handy infographic, compiled from secular research data, displays quite stylishly that couples who live together (and sleep together) before marriage are significantly less likely to get married than couples who wait to live together until marriage.
This scholarly article shows from statistical data that women who have more than one sexual partner in their lives have a much higher rate of eventual divorce than women who only sleep with their spouse.
Finally, my favorite secular study of them all provides solid evidence that couples who save sex only for marriage experience phenomenal benefits for doing so. Specifically, couples who saved sex for marriage reported:
To sum it all up: God knows what He's talking about. Secular research is just now beginning to understand that unleashing sex from marriage has done nothing but diminish its quality and damage human relationships.
The best marriages, the most amazing sex, the highest relationship satisfaction, and the greatest chance for the relationship to go the distance, all have one thing in common: they saved sex for marriage.
This is why God tell us to wait!!
Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love!
(Song of Solomon 5:1 ESV)
The message of this verse is very simple, but very powerful. In short: God delights in the loving physical intimacy of a married couple.
This shouldn't be a surprising statement, but given the way some churches have handled the topic of sexuality, it can be. Some churches have as if sexuality is gross, disgusting, and evil. The people who grow up in these churches can then end up thinking that it's a disgusting part of marriage, a necessary evil to be endured for the sake of pleasing one's spouse or bearing children.
To these people, let me simply say what Scripture says. God created physical intimacy; it was always part of His plan, even before the Fall. By itself, sex is not disgusting or gross. It is beautiful.
To be sure, sex can be made to be gross or disgusting in any number of ways. But when it is kept sacred between a husband and his wife, when it is part fo their holistic intimacy, then it is entirely beautiful.
There are others among us who don't think sex is gross, but instead want as much of it as possible. This can include those who sleep around constantly, as well as those who have never touched anyone sexually, but have vast harems of lust in their minds. As Jesus said, lust in the mind and heart is the same as lust carried out with flesh.
To these people, let me ask you to consider again just what exactly God is blessing, here. He doesn't bless sex for the sake of sex; He blesses physical intimacy between a man and his wife on their wedding night.
God chooses to bless only physical intimacy in marriage precisely because it's the best sex possible. God designed sex to be the best when it's done in committed marriage, and no where else.
To be sure, there are many ways in which physical intimacy can be neglected and neutered in marriage. To keep enjoying sex in marriage as it was intended, the husband and wife have to keep pursuing each other romantically outside of the bedroom, serve each other inside it, and in general love each other so unconditionally that they consider each other better than themselves in their actions.
Some may still think that it's prudish and old-fashioned to reserve sex for marriage. After all, everybody else is doing it, and they're getting along just fine. That's the impression that shows like How I Met Your Mother give us, anyway.
But even secular research is realizing that God had it right from the beginning when He established the pattern of sex only for marriage. Consider the following articles:
In this first one, a secular study found that couples who abstain from sex early on and save it for later in the relationship are far more likely to have their relationship last. Conversely, couples who rush to sex are far more likely to be unhappy and far less likely to last in the long-term.
In this next one, the AARP found that the general population is more accepting of sex outside of marriage than ever before (only 22% consider non-marital sex to be wrong), but that satisfaction in their sex lives has gone way down. (Their only guess as to why is due to the economy, which is just a wild shot in the dark).
This handy infographic, compiled from secular research data, displays quite stylishly that couples who live together (and sleep together) before marriage are significantly less likely to get married than couples who wait to live together until marriage.
This scholarly article shows from statistical data that women who have more than one sexual partner in their lives have a much higher rate of eventual divorce than women who only sleep with their spouse.
Finally, my favorite secular study of them all provides solid evidence that couples who save sex only for marriage experience phenomenal benefits for doing so. Specifically, couples who saved sex for marriage reported:
- Relationship stability was rated 22 per cent higher
- Relationship satisfaction was rated 20 per cent higher
- Sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 per cent better
- Communication was rated 12 per cent better
To sum it all up: God knows what He's talking about. Secular research is just now beginning to understand that unleashing sex from marriage has done nothing but diminish its quality and damage human relationships.
The best marriages, the most amazing sex, the highest relationship satisfaction, and the greatest chance for the relationship to go the distance, all have one thing in common: they saved sex for marriage.
This is why God tell us to wait!!
Friday, October 12, 2012
SoS 4:16-5:1 "What Sex Should Be"
[He or She]
[16] Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.
[She]
Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.
[He]
[5:1] I came to my garden, my sister, my bride,
I gathered my myrrh with my spice,
I ate my honeycomb with my honey,
I drank my wine with my milk.
[God]
Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love!
(Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1 ESV)
In very poetic, metaphorical language, this passage describes the couple finally enjoying physical intimacy on their wedding night. I won't talk much about the event itself, since it's hard to do so tastefully and modestly, which is why Scripture itself uses metaphor instead of any actual details. I'll try to follow in Scripture's example.
This passage paints a beautiful picture of what physical intimacy is and always should be. Instead of stating it outright, it tells the story of this couple, using them as examples.
Look at their happiness in this moment. They both wish for this intimacy; after all, it is their wedding night! She lovingly invites him to enjoy her, and he lovingly accepts. Their joy is pure and perfect; there is no regret in anything they are doing. They are experiencing the bliss of true intimacy without any hint of pain, regret, shame, or disease. This is a night to sing songs about, and truly, the Bible has been singing their song for 3,000 years!
This highlights the fact that physical intimacy is a beautiful and joyous thing, by God's design. It is supposed to be this delightful, this enjoyable, this memorable, this pure.
So how did they get here?
The first and most obvious answer is that they waited. Physical intimacy was designed by God to be the culmination of a man and a woman as two people becoming one. First they pursue each others' mind, heart, and soul as they get to know each other and decide they want to spend their lives with each other. Then, after they have covenanted before God and their family and friends to spend their lives together, they finally get to enjoy each others' bodies.
This is the first way to avoid regret and pain with sex: only have it with your spouse, the person you are closest to, the person you are one with. Additionally, only do it after you have promised to belong only to each other in marriage.
There is more to it than just that, however.
Physical intimacy should also be an act of mutual inviting and mutual enjoying. It should not be an act of taking or of forcing. As this couple demonstrates, your body is a gift to be given, not a thing to be taken advantage of.
Scripture is clear elsewhere that couples married couples should not deny each other physically (1 Cor 7:5), that in marriage your body is not yours alone, but belongs to your spouse (1 Cor 7:3-4), and that as a couple, the two are now one (Eph 5:31). Some people try to misuse these verses to demand and force physical intimacy from their spouse, but this is a perversion of Scripture that distorts what intimacy is supposed to be.
Physical intimacy is a gift given to the person who has successfully won your heart. A few verses earlier, Solomon praises his bride because she has loved him well. He has pursued her romantically, but she has also pursued him, and because they have loved each other so well before their marriage, their wedding night is a delight of mutual giving and enjoying.
This carries through into all of marriage. If a man stops pursuing the heart of his wife and only demands intimacy of the body without the intimacy of the heart, mind, and soul, the sex will never be as good as it should have been. If it is demanded instead of given, it cannot be true intimacy. It loses its intended status as the culmination of intimacy and instead becomes a mockery of it.
The message for husbands and wives, then, is to keep pursuing each others' hearts every day of your marriage, so much so that each night you can joyfully, willingly, eagerly give yourselves to each other, as a culmination of how well you have loved each other outside of the bedroom.
The message for single people is to stop idolizing the wedding night as if that one moment is going to change your life. This attitude is especially prevalent in single men, but it's not absent among women. Intimacy isn't about that one moment; it's about the entire journey of which that moment is only one small part.
Single people, don't fantasize over the end of the journey. Enjoy each step of the process, because a culmination is only as good as the moments that lead up to it. Even if the last 5 minutes of a movie are incredible, no one will care if the first hour and a half are terrible.
So when you're meeting someone, courting them, and working towards marriage with them, enjoy intimacy in the mind, the heart, and the soul. Focus on being as intimate as you can without bumping bodies.
The greater your intimacy outside of the bedroom, the greater the experience inside it.
This is the goal. Love each other well, so that physical intimacy is a joyful gift, a culmination of love.
Yet we do live in a world of sin and brokenness. Many of us feel like we've already fallen from this ideal.
To this I will say two things. First, we serve a God of redemption. Jesus isn't interested in punishing you for your mistakes; after all, He went to the Cross so that He could suffer for your mistakes, not you. He wants to redeem your life, if you will let Him.
Secondly, you can set this up as your goal no matter where you are starting from. If you are currently in a place of brokenness and pain, you can still set this loving intimacy as your goal, and start moving towards it. God loves to redeem broken people and fix broken lives. It might seem like an impossible goal now, but Jesus came back to life. He's the God of doing impossible things.
By the grace of God, may we all experience love and intimacy so freely given!
[16] Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.
[She]
Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.
[He]
[5:1] I came to my garden, my sister, my bride,
I gathered my myrrh with my spice,
I ate my honeycomb with my honey,
I drank my wine with my milk.
[God]
Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love!
(Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1 ESV)
In very poetic, metaphorical language, this passage describes the couple finally enjoying physical intimacy on their wedding night. I won't talk much about the event itself, since it's hard to do so tastefully and modestly, which is why Scripture itself uses metaphor instead of any actual details. I'll try to follow in Scripture's example.
This passage paints a beautiful picture of what physical intimacy is and always should be. Instead of stating it outright, it tells the story of this couple, using them as examples.
Look at their happiness in this moment. They both wish for this intimacy; after all, it is their wedding night! She lovingly invites him to enjoy her, and he lovingly accepts. Their joy is pure and perfect; there is no regret in anything they are doing. They are experiencing the bliss of true intimacy without any hint of pain, regret, shame, or disease. This is a night to sing songs about, and truly, the Bible has been singing their song for 3,000 years!
This highlights the fact that physical intimacy is a beautiful and joyous thing, by God's design. It is supposed to be this delightful, this enjoyable, this memorable, this pure.
So how did they get here?
The first and most obvious answer is that they waited. Physical intimacy was designed by God to be the culmination of a man and a woman as two people becoming one. First they pursue each others' mind, heart, and soul as they get to know each other and decide they want to spend their lives with each other. Then, after they have covenanted before God and their family and friends to spend their lives together, they finally get to enjoy each others' bodies.
This is the first way to avoid regret and pain with sex: only have it with your spouse, the person you are closest to, the person you are one with. Additionally, only do it after you have promised to belong only to each other in marriage.
There is more to it than just that, however.
Physical intimacy should also be an act of mutual inviting and mutual enjoying. It should not be an act of taking or of forcing. As this couple demonstrates, your body is a gift to be given, not a thing to be taken advantage of.
Scripture is clear elsewhere that couples married couples should not deny each other physically (1 Cor 7:5), that in marriage your body is not yours alone, but belongs to your spouse (1 Cor 7:3-4), and that as a couple, the two are now one (Eph 5:31). Some people try to misuse these verses to demand and force physical intimacy from their spouse, but this is a perversion of Scripture that distorts what intimacy is supposed to be.
Physical intimacy is a gift given to the person who has successfully won your heart. A few verses earlier, Solomon praises his bride because she has loved him well. He has pursued her romantically, but she has also pursued him, and because they have loved each other so well before their marriage, their wedding night is a delight of mutual giving and enjoying.
This carries through into all of marriage. If a man stops pursuing the heart of his wife and only demands intimacy of the body without the intimacy of the heart, mind, and soul, the sex will never be as good as it should have been. If it is demanded instead of given, it cannot be true intimacy. It loses its intended status as the culmination of intimacy and instead becomes a mockery of it.
The message for husbands and wives, then, is to keep pursuing each others' hearts every day of your marriage, so much so that each night you can joyfully, willingly, eagerly give yourselves to each other, as a culmination of how well you have loved each other outside of the bedroom.
The message for single people is to stop idolizing the wedding night as if that one moment is going to change your life. This attitude is especially prevalent in single men, but it's not absent among women. Intimacy isn't about that one moment; it's about the entire journey of which that moment is only one small part.
Single people, don't fantasize over the end of the journey. Enjoy each step of the process, because a culmination is only as good as the moments that lead up to it. Even if the last 5 minutes of a movie are incredible, no one will care if the first hour and a half are terrible.
So when you're meeting someone, courting them, and working towards marriage with them, enjoy intimacy in the mind, the heart, and the soul. Focus on being as intimate as you can without bumping bodies.
The greater your intimacy outside of the bedroom, the greater the experience inside it.
This is the goal. Love each other well, so that physical intimacy is a joyful gift, a culmination of love.
Yet we do live in a world of sin and brokenness. Many of us feel like we've already fallen from this ideal.
To this I will say two things. First, we serve a God of redemption. Jesus isn't interested in punishing you for your mistakes; after all, He went to the Cross so that He could suffer for your mistakes, not you. He wants to redeem your life, if you will let Him.
Secondly, you can set this up as your goal no matter where you are starting from. If you are currently in a place of brokenness and pain, you can still set this loving intimacy as your goal, and start moving towards it. God loves to redeem broken people and fix broken lives. It might seem like an impossible goal now, but Jesus came back to life. He's the God of doing impossible things.
By the grace of God, may we all experience love and intimacy so freely given!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
....And we're back!
Greetings, all!
After a long absence, I think life is finally going to let me continue to blog regularly.
In fact, I plan to write up my posts in advance so that I can post every Monday-Wednesday-Friday, even if I don't have time on that particular day.
So this is what I intend. New content every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hopefully posted around midnight the day before, so that you can actually READ them on these days.
I am trying to stack the odds in my favor by backlogging posts so that I don't have to write under the wire every day. Still, I suppose it is conceivable that I might miss a day if life is being really demanding one day. So consider this more of a goal and less of a promise. Even so, if I miss a day, I'll post double or something the next day, so that you get your money's worth. (Just remember that you get what you pay for, and this is free!).
Look for my first new post tonight at midnight!
After a long absence, I think life is finally going to let me continue to blog regularly.
In fact, I plan to write up my posts in advance so that I can post every Monday-Wednesday-Friday, even if I don't have time on that particular day.
So this is what I intend. New content every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hopefully posted around midnight the day before, so that you can actually READ them on these days.
I am trying to stack the odds in my favor by backlogging posts so that I don't have to write under the wire every day. Still, I suppose it is conceivable that I might miss a day if life is being really demanding one day. So consider this more of a goal and less of a promise. Even so, if I miss a day, I'll post double or something the next day, so that you get your money's worth. (Just remember that you get what you pay for, and this is free!).
Look for my first new post tonight at midnight!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
SoS 4:12-15: Why We Lock Our Gardens
[12] A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
[13] Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates
with all choicest fruits,
henna with nard,
[14] nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,
with all trees of frankincense,
myrrh and aloes,
with all choice spices—
[15] a garden fountain, a well of living water,
and flowing streams from Lebanon.
(Song of Solomon 4:12-15 ESV)
Greetings again! I'm still not back in Minneapolis, but I have some free time, so I'd like to share another blog post with you all.
This passage comes from near the end of Solomon's praise for his bride on their wedding night. He praises her for one of the dearest gifts she has given to him: she is "a garden locked... a spring locked, a fountain sealed." He goes on to praise the fruits of her vineyard, celebrating the fact that he and he alone gets to enjoy all of these delights.
The message here is obvious, so I won't beat around the bush. Solomon is delighted that she has saved herself for him, sexually. He praises her for guarding herself, because now all of these delights are an exclusive gift between just the two of them.
There are many reasons I could give as to why sex should be saved for marriage, but I'll focus only on what the text itself says: It is an absolute delight to the soul to know that your spouse has kept themselves safe from all others, that you two are free to enjoy every sexual delight in truest intimacy, without the weight of past baggage tarnishing your joy.
If you are sexually pure and single, I urge you to do everything possible to keep yourself that way. Save yourself for marriage, because the absolute joy and delight you will have exploring sex on a pure wedding night will be unimaginably greater than any experience you could have exploring sex earlier. This is the only way to use sex as it was meant to be used, the climax of the pursuit of intimacy, the binding of two people together physically after they've been growing closer mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and covenanted themselves to each other in the presence of friends and family.
Solomon is so absolutely delighted by his bride's purity that this is the climax of his praise of her. He sees her full body for the first time and praises her beauty, but his joy in that can't even compare to his joy that she has saved the gift of that beauty for him alone.
Please take notice of this: Scripture is not trying to scare you into avoiding premarital sex. Instead, it is enticing you to save sex for marriage, because the joy of doing so is matchless!
Single people and dating couples, I know it can be extremely tempting to dip into sex before you exchange rings. But in doing so, you are robbing yourselves of an immense amount of joy. The most joy you can possibly have in sex is to keep yourselves pure and save it for the wedding night, and then to grow in it as your marriage matures. Any other use of sex, no matter how tempting, will always give you less overall pleasure, and it will most often fill you will emotional baggage.
But I must also remind you that we serve a God who is not harsh and cruel, but rather, who is gracious, forgiving, and best of all, redeeming.
If you have not kept yourselves pure, there is always hope for a new beginning! The blood of Jesus cleanses us completely from all sin, including all shame and guilt. If you trust in Jesus, you are completely clean at this exact moment. You might not feel clean, but your feelings don't change the fact that 2,000 years ago, Jesus proclaimed "It is finished." Your guilt is taken away, your sin is completely atoned for, your shame has been completely scorned.
This means that it's never to late to get on the path of purity and pursue a wedding night like Solomon and his bride experienced. Purity is not something that you lose once and can never get back. Purity is given to you by the blood of Jesus, and built in you by the Holy Spirit of God. Purity is a gift. It is offered to you anew, even if someone stole it from you before.
God redeems. God does not leave us to wallow in the depths of our sins; as Ephesians 2 says, God saw us in that helpless state and rescued us, raising us up into the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus. God can redeem and renew you, even to the point where memories of the past no longer have the power to steal away your joy. This may take time, but Jesus is immensely capable of healing and renewing you, if you only let Him.
Regardless of your past, God offers you an amazing future.
So whether you have kept your garden locked or you need to buy a new lock, the joy of wedding night similar to Solomon's lies before you, if you will only stay on the path of purity.
In this culture, we can't do this alone. We need to ask God for the grace and the strength to keep ourselves pure, and we need to walk with those who are heading in the same direction. It will be hard work. But look at the words of Solomon: the joy in having that purity on your wedding night will be well, well worth it!
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