[Her]
[13] The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.
(Song of Solomon 7:13 ESV)
Single people, today's post is for you. I want to charge you to view love and sex differently than culture. This concept is very simple, but profound.
In the verse above, Solomon's wife is entreating him to go out to the countryside together, where she will give him the choice fruits of her love, new as well as old, that she has laid up for him.
This is the idea that I want us to focus on: laying up your choice fruits for your beloved.
Solomon's wife is being metaphorical; clearly she isn't giving Solomon actual pieces of fruit. She's using "fruit" to refer poetically to the different aspects of love that she delights to give to her husband, the man who has won her heart over and over again.
Because she loves him, she lays stores up her fruits for him, and gives them to him in mutual delight. This is what I charge every single person to do.
This isn't to say that married people shouldn't do this; of course they should. The application is comparatively simple for those who are married; it's a relatively easy thing to love your lover when you are married to them. It's a bit different for single people, which is why I want to spend our time focusing there.
Single people, our American culture tells you to indulge in whatever feels good. We focus on experiences. If you want an experience, chase it. Don't wait. Get everything you want as fast as you want. Indulge every appetite.
This is felt most strongly in the area of sexual experience. Sex is intended by God to be sacred, to be something experienced only between a husband and wife behind closed doors. Instead, our culture uses it to market anything from cars to video games. It only takes a few clicks to see any kind of sexual act you can imagine on the internet. It's become so prevalent that it's hard to use the internet or watch TV and not have some kind of sexual figure foisted upon you.
In other words, temptations abound. Many of these temptations are particularly dangerous for single people.
Consider the temptation of physical intimacy. For any single person, the loneliness of not having a significant other can create a big enough void that you welcome in temptation to try to feel what you want to feel.
Culture says it's fine. If you're lonely, hook up with a stranger; download porn; date a loser just so that you don't feel alone; do whatever makes you happy. Generally, people give in to these temptations because, for a short time, sin provides something similar to what you're seeking.
Culture says these are innocent pleasures. No one is being harmed. If two people are willing, there's nothing wrong going on.
Contrary to this, Solomon's wife would tell you that you are robbing yourselves of pleasure. Every time you indulge in marital pleasures outside of marriage, no matter how small it is, you are taking a fruit that you could have stored up for your beloved, and instead given it to someone else.
This applies to sexual pleasures of any kind, whether it's as small as a picture you glanced at, a thought you had in your head, or a full-blown affair.
So my charge to you, single people, is to focus on storing up fruit for your beloved. Whenever temptation strikes, instead of indulging in a momentary emotional burst, take that fruit and store it up.
After all, your desires for sex aren't bad. God built those into you, for the purpose of uniting you with your future spouse. Those feelings aren't evil.
But it is evil to use them to unite yourself to anyone other than the one you are married to, even if only in your mind.
So when you feel the temptation to dip into marital pleasures without being married, instead of dipping into sin, thank God for giving you those feelings. Then ask God for the strength to store them up for your beloved.
Consider two scenarios.
In the first scenario, a man and a woman wed. They get to their wedding night, and the man confesses that he has already slept with multiple women, that he has done pretty much all there is to do, so nothing she can do will be new, to him. Is his wife going to feel special? No; she's going to feel like the fruits of love that she wanted to taste were stolen out of her hand.
In the second scenario, a man and a woman also wed. This time, when they get to their wedding night, the man takes his bride's hands and joyfully informs her that he has saved up all of the fruits of his love for her. He has fought through temptation by the grace of God, and instead of throwing away his fruits to others, he has laid them all up for her. And now, in the intimacy of their marriage bed, he gives them to her alone. Is this woman going to feel special? Absolutely!
I urge you single people to aspire to the second scenario!
Temptation is never an innocent pleasure. Remember James 1: "desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
Sin always produces death. Whenever you sin, something dies. At the very least, a fruit of love that you could have given to your spouse instead is thrown away and rots.
The enemy will tell you that you can sin and get away with it, that no one will know, that you have a right to feel good for a short time. Do not listen. Hold fast to hope, and store up your fruits for your beloved.
Additionally, the enemy may tell you that you have already sinned so much that you can never enjoy something like scenario two, above. Don't listen to this lie, either.
Remember, our God redeems. Jesus doesn't just save you from hell, He also saves you from yourself.
Jesus cleanses you from sin for many reasons. One is that He loves you, and He always will love you, no matter what. Another is to give you a fresh start.
Trust in Jesus and repent from your sins. Live as if your past was wiped clean and you can start anew, because you can. Your sins no longer exist; Jesus destroyed them on the Cross. So go now and live a new life, and store up your fruits for your beloved.
You will eventually have to tell your beloved about your past. Tell them this before marriage, but after the point where dating has gone on long enough that marriage seems evident. It is possible that they may not be as forgiving as Jesus, that they may not be able to forgive your past. If this is the case, then praise God, because He just saved you from a person you would not want to live with. If your partner refuses to forgive you, life with them would never be as rosy as you imagine that it might be.
Remember the words of Jesus. We forgive others as God first has forgiven us. If someone refuses to forgive you, even after you've changed your life and lived for years in sincere repentance, then they have a very small conception of how much God has forgiven them. In other words, they may not even be truly saved, no matter what they say. Regardless, you do not want to live with someone who is incapable of forgiveness, no matter how cute their face may be.
But if they can forgive you, if they extend to you the same forgiveness that God has given to them, then rejoice! Not only will you be able to have a good wedding night with this spouse, but being wed to a person who forgives as Jesus forgives will be a taste of heaven on earth!
Side note: single people, we need to realize that there is darkness is all of us, of some kind. No matter who you marry, there will be darkness in their past in some form or another. When you encounter this, instead of complaining that you didn't get a "perfect" person, realize that you did get far more than you could ever have deserved. We each deserve hell, a thousand times over. God not only forgave us completely, but He also gives us amazing lives that we can never earn. So instead of complaining that your spouse isn't flawless, praise God for giving you someone so much better than you could ever have deserved, and forgive them for their flaws as God has forgiven you. That means that you forgive completely, regardless of the circumstance, because God has forgiven you entirely.
This post was much longer than I had intended, but I think you get my point.
As single people, we have the unique opportunity to store up our fruits for our beloved, or to give them away in moments of weakness and temptation. By the grace of God, I urge you to store these fruits up for your beloved. Once you give them away, you can't get them back.
This is one gift that is guaranteed to delight your spouse. Give them the fruits of your love that you have stored up over the years, and your marriage nights will be mind-boggling!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
SoS 7:11-13 Getting Away Together
[Her]
[11] Come, my beloved,
let us go out into the fields
and lodge in the villages;
[12] let us go out early to the vineyards
and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened
and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love.
[13] The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.
(Song of Solomon 7:11-13 ESV)
How does a married couple celebrate their love? One way is to do what Solomon's bride longs for: go away together into the countryside. This isn't exactly revolutionary; entire facets of the travel industry are based on couples getting away together.
Why is this such a classically romantic endeavor? Well, when you go away together, you leave everything else behind. In other words, you're telling your spouse that they are the most important person in the world to you, the only person for whom you will leave everything else behind.
(Conversely, it's precisely when you don't leave everything behind that these moments lose their romance. Consider the husband who is constantly checking his Blackberry and work e-mail account while on faction. His wife isn't exactly swooning at his neglect of her. Rather, he's communicating that his work is more important than she is, which is exactly the opposite of anything romantic).
On top of that, when a couple goes on a little retreat together, they're going intentionally to spend their time loving each other. It's not only a celebration of love, but it's also declaring that you want more of each other. This is a vitally important message to keep giving, especially as your marriage endures through the years.
So all my married friends, take the example of Solomon and his bride, and go and do likewise!
But then we come to the issue of dating couples. Suppose we're dealing not with a married couple, but rather a dating couple. Can they enjoy anything similar to this?
If you're engaged, you can get very close, even if you can't enjoy it entirely. You can't share nights at a bed-and-breakfast for a weekend in the same way that a married couple can; physical intimacy should still be kept sacred for marriage, not dipped into during engagement.
Still, if you have already decided to spend the rest of your lives together, you can certainly celebrate that decision. It's right and fitting and beautiful to spend a day together out in the country, celebrating your love for each other. Just make sure to save the honeymoon for when you actually exchange the rings!
But what if the couple isn't engaged, but is still dating? If the couple is still getting to know each other and haven't yet decided if they want to spend the rest of their lives together, then they can't really enjoy the same kind of thing a married and engaged couple can. However limiting that may seem, it should still be said that dating couples can enjoy something almost as good.
First, let's deal with the portion of this that dating couples can enjoy. While they can't (and shouldn't!) go to a bed-and-breakfast together, they can of course enjoy dates together. Every time a man and a woman go on a date, they are communicating that the person they're dating is important, that they're interested in getting to know them better. When the dating relationship becomes exclusive and the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are used, you're also communicating that you want to pursue each other and ignore all others until you've assessed properly whether or not this is the one for you.
So, while a dating couple clearly can't express "you're the only one for me," they can certainly express "I'm interested in you." By dating someone, you are saying that they're important, that you want to get to know them better, that you enjoy your time with them, and that you might just see a future together, all of which are good things.
This means that dating couples can enjoy retreats together, but they will look significantly different than the married variety. Whereas in marriage the focus is on celebrating your love and enjoying each other, in dating the focus is on getting to know each other.
Thus, dates are short, only a few hours instead of an entire weekend all at once. There are of course the times when a dating couples goes to a parents' house to meet the family. These retreats are often weekends, but the difference of course is that they're chaperoned. Hopefully, if the boyfriend tries to get too frisky, his girlfriend's father will put a stop to it by cleaning out his shotgun on the kitchen table.
Additionally, dating couples shouldn't be entirely alone far out in the countryside together. Instead, make sure your dates are enjoyed in public, or in the company of friends and family. A married couple is free to enjoy each other fully; a dating couple isn't. To keep yourselves honest, keep your relationship public. Our society isn't exactly well-known for its self-control. On top of that, if you're feeling a strong attraction to each other, you're on a romantic day trip, and you're completely alone, you're asking for trouble.
Very similarly, a dating couple shouldn't be alone in an apartment together, cuddling on the couch together with no one else around. As much as you may want to honor God and keep physical intimacy for the marriage bedroom, your self-control will likely falter in these moments. The forces of attraction between a man and a woman who like each other are some of the strongest in all creation. Do not bet on your ability to control yourselves when you're young, in love, and completely in private. Conversely, if you've been dating a long time and you experience absolutely no temptation when you're alone together, you've got an entirely different problem!
Finally, let's deal with why exactly dating couples can't have the same kind of retreats together that married couples enjoy. These retreats to the countryside are delightful to committed couples because they communicate to each other that there is no one else, that you have chosen each other, and you want to spend time specifically celebrating that love. It's impossible to celebrate this in dating, since you haven't yet committed to being the only one for each other.
In general, dating couples shouldn't express "you're the only one for me" until you've actually decided to be the only ones for each other. This usually involves rings and the decision to enjoy life together forever, lots of shouts and squeals from your friends, and celebratory champagne and/or sparkling grape juice. You can't miss it.
By way of contrast, if one person in a dating couple decides to express "you're the only one" long before the other person is ready to hear it, it can actually end the relationship. Dating should be focused on getting to know each other, finding out if you both and God would have you spend the rest of your lives together. In other words, dating is about seeking out the answer to the question of who I'll spend my life with. It's not about celebrating a life-long love, because you haven't yet pledged to love each other for life.
To sum that all up: dating is about choosing. If a woman is going to feel free to say "yes" when a man proposes to her, she has to feel free to say "no," as well. If she feels like she isn't free to be honest, it's hard to build trust. Similarly, if a man is going to feel free to commit himself to one woman, he has to feel the freedom to make that choice himself, instead of feeling like he's being forced.
On the bright side, if you both feel like the rules of dating are constricting, that could be a good sign that you should move onto engagement as swiftly as possible! If you want to declare yourselves to each other and celebrate that love, stop wasting time in dating and get some rings!
To sum this whole long post up: for committed couples, taking retreats together into the countryside is a beautiful, romantic celebration of your love.
For couples who haven't yet decided to spend their lives together, don't try to imitate married couples. Instead, focus your time on events that help you get to know each other, so that you can figure out if this is the one you want to take all the way to the altar.
[11] Come, my beloved,
let us go out into the fields
and lodge in the villages;
[12] let us go out early to the vineyards
and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened
and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love.
[13] The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.
(Song of Solomon 7:11-13 ESV)
How does a married couple celebrate their love? One way is to do what Solomon's bride longs for: go away together into the countryside. This isn't exactly revolutionary; entire facets of the travel industry are based on couples getting away together.
Why is this such a classically romantic endeavor? Well, when you go away together, you leave everything else behind. In other words, you're telling your spouse that they are the most important person in the world to you, the only person for whom you will leave everything else behind.
(Conversely, it's precisely when you don't leave everything behind that these moments lose their romance. Consider the husband who is constantly checking his Blackberry and work e-mail account while on faction. His wife isn't exactly swooning at his neglect of her. Rather, he's communicating that his work is more important than she is, which is exactly the opposite of anything romantic).
On top of that, when a couple goes on a little retreat together, they're going intentionally to spend their time loving each other. It's not only a celebration of love, but it's also declaring that you want more of each other. This is a vitally important message to keep giving, especially as your marriage endures through the years.
So all my married friends, take the example of Solomon and his bride, and go and do likewise!
But then we come to the issue of dating couples. Suppose we're dealing not with a married couple, but rather a dating couple. Can they enjoy anything similar to this?
If you're engaged, you can get very close, even if you can't enjoy it entirely. You can't share nights at a bed-and-breakfast for a weekend in the same way that a married couple can; physical intimacy should still be kept sacred for marriage, not dipped into during engagement.
Still, if you have already decided to spend the rest of your lives together, you can certainly celebrate that decision. It's right and fitting and beautiful to spend a day together out in the country, celebrating your love for each other. Just make sure to save the honeymoon for when you actually exchange the rings!
But what if the couple isn't engaged, but is still dating? If the couple is still getting to know each other and haven't yet decided if they want to spend the rest of their lives together, then they can't really enjoy the same kind of thing a married and engaged couple can. However limiting that may seem, it should still be said that dating couples can enjoy something almost as good.
First, let's deal with the portion of this that dating couples can enjoy. While they can't (and shouldn't!) go to a bed-and-breakfast together, they can of course enjoy dates together. Every time a man and a woman go on a date, they are communicating that the person they're dating is important, that they're interested in getting to know them better. When the dating relationship becomes exclusive and the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are used, you're also communicating that you want to pursue each other and ignore all others until you've assessed properly whether or not this is the one for you.
So, while a dating couple clearly can't express "you're the only one for me," they can certainly express "I'm interested in you." By dating someone, you are saying that they're important, that you want to get to know them better, that you enjoy your time with them, and that you might just see a future together, all of which are good things.
This means that dating couples can enjoy retreats together, but they will look significantly different than the married variety. Whereas in marriage the focus is on celebrating your love and enjoying each other, in dating the focus is on getting to know each other.
Thus, dates are short, only a few hours instead of an entire weekend all at once. There are of course the times when a dating couples goes to a parents' house to meet the family. These retreats are often weekends, but the difference of course is that they're chaperoned. Hopefully, if the boyfriend tries to get too frisky, his girlfriend's father will put a stop to it by cleaning out his shotgun on the kitchen table.
Additionally, dating couples shouldn't be entirely alone far out in the countryside together. Instead, make sure your dates are enjoyed in public, or in the company of friends and family. A married couple is free to enjoy each other fully; a dating couple isn't. To keep yourselves honest, keep your relationship public. Our society isn't exactly well-known for its self-control. On top of that, if you're feeling a strong attraction to each other, you're on a romantic day trip, and you're completely alone, you're asking for trouble.
Very similarly, a dating couple shouldn't be alone in an apartment together, cuddling on the couch together with no one else around. As much as you may want to honor God and keep physical intimacy for the marriage bedroom, your self-control will likely falter in these moments. The forces of attraction between a man and a woman who like each other are some of the strongest in all creation. Do not bet on your ability to control yourselves when you're young, in love, and completely in private. Conversely, if you've been dating a long time and you experience absolutely no temptation when you're alone together, you've got an entirely different problem!
Finally, let's deal with why exactly dating couples can't have the same kind of retreats together that married couples enjoy. These retreats to the countryside are delightful to committed couples because they communicate to each other that there is no one else, that you have chosen each other, and you want to spend time specifically celebrating that love. It's impossible to celebrate this in dating, since you haven't yet committed to being the only one for each other.
In general, dating couples shouldn't express "you're the only one for me" until you've actually decided to be the only ones for each other. This usually involves rings and the decision to enjoy life together forever, lots of shouts and squeals from your friends, and celebratory champagne and/or sparkling grape juice. You can't miss it.
By way of contrast, if one person in a dating couple decides to express "you're the only one" long before the other person is ready to hear it, it can actually end the relationship. Dating should be focused on getting to know each other, finding out if you both and God would have you spend the rest of your lives together. In other words, dating is about seeking out the answer to the question of who I'll spend my life with. It's not about celebrating a life-long love, because you haven't yet pledged to love each other for life.
To sum that all up: dating is about choosing. If a woman is going to feel free to say "yes" when a man proposes to her, she has to feel free to say "no," as well. If she feels like she isn't free to be honest, it's hard to build trust. Similarly, if a man is going to feel free to commit himself to one woman, he has to feel the freedom to make that choice himself, instead of feeling like he's being forced.
On the bright side, if you both feel like the rules of dating are constricting, that could be a good sign that you should move onto engagement as swiftly as possible! If you want to declare yourselves to each other and celebrate that love, stop wasting time in dating and get some rings!
To sum this whole long post up: for committed couples, taking retreats together into the countryside is a beautiful, romantic celebration of your love.
For couples who haven't yet decided to spend their lives together, don't try to imitate married couples. Instead, focus your time on events that help you get to know each other, so that you can figure out if this is the one you want to take all the way to the altar.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
SoS 7:1-10 What To Do With Stripteases
Greetings, all! Today we deal with one of the most awkward pieces in the entire Song of Solomon for a single guy to deal with: the biblical strip tease. This is the most potentially awkward passage in this whole book, so I'll do my best to deal with it delicately.
And yes, the biblical strip tease does exist, believe it or not. Song of Solomon 7:1-10 describes this controversy-generating event. Some people are skeptical that such a thing could ever be condoned by God, but the scandal is quickly avoided by the simple realization that this moment is shared only between husband and wife. This is how God designed it, and when the striptease is kept in the marriage bedroom, it is a beautiful thing, according to Scripture.
I'm going to make two points from this potentially awkward subject matter. The first is for married folks, and it's simply this: enjoy each other. I'm not married myself, so I can't speak from experience, but I can speak from observation of this passage. This book clearly describes a husband fully enjoying his wife. She knows what he likes, and she gives it, much to his delight. Married people, I suggest you do the same.
And now onto single people, to whom I feel much more capable of teaching.
My charge to all the single people is simply to avoid anything like this until you have wedding rings adorning your fingers.
I've said it before in various ways, but it bears repeating. This kind of stuff may seem like fun to engage in outside marriage, but any such behavior without the commitment of marriage is sin. And as James 1 points out, all sin leads to death, in some form.
Our culture loves to take events like SoS 7:1-10 and yank them out of the bedroom. People build entire buildings to house strip clubs for this very purpose. The pornography industry makes billions of dollars each year by selling this kind of thing for the viewership of millions. The perversion of this holy moment between husband and wife drives a huge part of the American economy, so much so that pornography makes more money than professional basketball, football, and baseball - combined.
It draws in such a large crowd because it can stimulate our senses quickly. God designed sex to be one of the most exciting things in all of human life, with the intention of using its power to bind a husband and wife together. SoS 7:1-10 is a celebration of the delight experienced by wielding this power rightly.
Single people, since we have no immediate way to enjoy this powerful thing rightly and safely, we're particularly vulnerable to the temptation of taste-testing this kind of thing.
It often starts small. A few almost-innocent pictures viewed online. A few lingering glances at an illicit magazine. A few stimulating touches with another person. But sex is addictive. The science of it is pretty startling; neuro-chemically, sexually addiction ranks right up with the most addictive illegal drugs.
It's becoming such a wide-spread problem in society that they even taught us a class in seminary about sexual addiction, teaching us how to avoid it and how to deal with people in our congregations who were addicted. One of the most shocking statistics from the entire class: nearly 50% of pastors admitted to viewing pornography recently. Think about that. Even those who know it's wrong from the start can still get addicted.
In other words: no matter how small it starts, sexual addiction will overtake you if you don't kill it immediately.
Or more directly: it is not possible to play with fire without being burnt.
Single people, our culture says sex is fun and should be enjoyed whenever you desire. They're right about one thing; God did design sex to be fun. But they often forget to mention that sex outside of marriage is one of the quickest routes to shame and regret.
Sex is fun, as married folk are quick to point out. God wants it to be. He wants you to enjoy it as much as possible, which is why He wants it kept to marriage alone.
What do we do with things that we view as the most valuable, the most precious, the most enjoyable? We protect them. We take priceless works of art and protect them behind glass, behind state-of-the-art security systems. We don't let everyone off the street handle them.
Similarly, events like SoS 7:1-10 are meant to be kept behind locked bedroom doors precisely because they are so priceless.
Sex is powerful. Mind-bogglingly, life-transformingly powerful. So keep it in your marriage, where its power will build up, unify, and delight.
I want to say one last thing. In this post, I've come very close to to legalism, saying that you should do this one thing and avoid doing this other thing. There's a lot of bad preaching out there that says God will only be happy with you if you do good things and avoid bad things.
Let me be clear: God will love you with His whole heart whether you keep sex in marriage or not. I won't try to scare you into good behavior by lying to you and distorting the Gospel. God's love is more powerful than sin; He will love you fully no matter what you do. (Although I need to say, as the Apostle Paul does, that if you ultimately have no desire to obey God in this area, it's a good sign that you aren't even saved, in the first place).
Despite this, there will be significant heartbreak if you engage in sex outside of marriage. The hearts that will be broken will be yours and your beloved's.
God gives these rules and guidelines to protect your happiness, not to destroy it. SoS 7:1-10 records the blissful joy of a married couple who saved sex for marriage and got to enjoy its tremendous power in perfectly holy, pure, beautiful, exciting, stimulating, satisfying ways. God wants to entice you into obedience by simply showing you that it is the route to greatest joy and satisfaction.
Sadly, it is common these days for Christian young people to engage in sex outside of marriage. Usually, they rationalize it by saying that they're in love, or they're going to get married anyway, so it's okay. Other times, they're simply foolish and get themselves into compromising situations and end up doing things they regret because their self-control wasn't nearly as strong as they thought.
Talk with any of these people, and they will nearly unanimously declare how much they regret messing around before their wedding night. Usually it's the one thing more than anything else that they wish they could go back in their lives and change.
This isn't to say that God can redeem mistakes; of course He can.
But it is to say that memories are hard to erase, especially when you're dealing with something as powerful as sex.
Single people, I know how tempting it can be to take just a tiny taste of sex, just to see what it's like. I'm single myself; I've felt the temptations.
But let me urge you: don't give in. Dipping into sex before marriage, no matter how little, will only end in regret, no matter how stimulating it is up front.
Save it for the marriage bed. Save it so that you can have nights like Solomon and his bride enjoy in 7:1-10.
Or to put it simply:
I've never heard of a happy married couple who wished they had messed around more before marriage.
I've heard countless stories of people who have messed around who dearly wish they hadn't.
And yes, the biblical strip tease does exist, believe it or not. Song of Solomon 7:1-10 describes this controversy-generating event. Some people are skeptical that such a thing could ever be condoned by God, but the scandal is quickly avoided by the simple realization that this moment is shared only between husband and wife. This is how God designed it, and when the striptease is kept in the marriage bedroom, it is a beautiful thing, according to Scripture.
I'm going to make two points from this potentially awkward subject matter. The first is for married folks, and it's simply this: enjoy each other. I'm not married myself, so I can't speak from experience, but I can speak from observation of this passage. This book clearly describes a husband fully enjoying his wife. She knows what he likes, and she gives it, much to his delight. Married people, I suggest you do the same.
And now onto single people, to whom I feel much more capable of teaching.
My charge to all the single people is simply to avoid anything like this until you have wedding rings adorning your fingers.
I've said it before in various ways, but it bears repeating. This kind of stuff may seem like fun to engage in outside marriage, but any such behavior without the commitment of marriage is sin. And as James 1 points out, all sin leads to death, in some form.
Our culture loves to take events like SoS 7:1-10 and yank them out of the bedroom. People build entire buildings to house strip clubs for this very purpose. The pornography industry makes billions of dollars each year by selling this kind of thing for the viewership of millions. The perversion of this holy moment between husband and wife drives a huge part of the American economy, so much so that pornography makes more money than professional basketball, football, and baseball - combined.
It draws in such a large crowd because it can stimulate our senses quickly. God designed sex to be one of the most exciting things in all of human life, with the intention of using its power to bind a husband and wife together. SoS 7:1-10 is a celebration of the delight experienced by wielding this power rightly.
Single people, since we have no immediate way to enjoy this powerful thing rightly and safely, we're particularly vulnerable to the temptation of taste-testing this kind of thing.
It often starts small. A few almost-innocent pictures viewed online. A few lingering glances at an illicit magazine. A few stimulating touches with another person. But sex is addictive. The science of it is pretty startling; neuro-chemically, sexually addiction ranks right up with the most addictive illegal drugs.
It's becoming such a wide-spread problem in society that they even taught us a class in seminary about sexual addiction, teaching us how to avoid it and how to deal with people in our congregations who were addicted. One of the most shocking statistics from the entire class: nearly 50% of pastors admitted to viewing pornography recently. Think about that. Even those who know it's wrong from the start can still get addicted.
In other words: no matter how small it starts, sexual addiction will overtake you if you don't kill it immediately.
Or more directly: it is not possible to play with fire without being burnt.
Single people, our culture says sex is fun and should be enjoyed whenever you desire. They're right about one thing; God did design sex to be fun. But they often forget to mention that sex outside of marriage is one of the quickest routes to shame and regret.
Sex is fun, as married folk are quick to point out. God wants it to be. He wants you to enjoy it as much as possible, which is why He wants it kept to marriage alone.
What do we do with things that we view as the most valuable, the most precious, the most enjoyable? We protect them. We take priceless works of art and protect them behind glass, behind state-of-the-art security systems. We don't let everyone off the street handle them.
Similarly, events like SoS 7:1-10 are meant to be kept behind locked bedroom doors precisely because they are so priceless.
Sex is powerful. Mind-bogglingly, life-transformingly powerful. So keep it in your marriage, where its power will build up, unify, and delight.
I want to say one last thing. In this post, I've come very close to to legalism, saying that you should do this one thing and avoid doing this other thing. There's a lot of bad preaching out there that says God will only be happy with you if you do good things and avoid bad things.
Let me be clear: God will love you with His whole heart whether you keep sex in marriage or not. I won't try to scare you into good behavior by lying to you and distorting the Gospel. God's love is more powerful than sin; He will love you fully no matter what you do. (Although I need to say, as the Apostle Paul does, that if you ultimately have no desire to obey God in this area, it's a good sign that you aren't even saved, in the first place).
Despite this, there will be significant heartbreak if you engage in sex outside of marriage. The hearts that will be broken will be yours and your beloved's.
God gives these rules and guidelines to protect your happiness, not to destroy it. SoS 7:1-10 records the blissful joy of a married couple who saved sex for marriage and got to enjoy its tremendous power in perfectly holy, pure, beautiful, exciting, stimulating, satisfying ways. God wants to entice you into obedience by simply showing you that it is the route to greatest joy and satisfaction.
Sadly, it is common these days for Christian young people to engage in sex outside of marriage. Usually, they rationalize it by saying that they're in love, or they're going to get married anyway, so it's okay. Other times, they're simply foolish and get themselves into compromising situations and end up doing things they regret because their self-control wasn't nearly as strong as they thought.
Talk with any of these people, and they will nearly unanimously declare how much they regret messing around before their wedding night. Usually it's the one thing more than anything else that they wish they could go back in their lives and change.
This isn't to say that God can redeem mistakes; of course He can.
But it is to say that memories are hard to erase, especially when you're dealing with something as powerful as sex.
Single people, I know how tempting it can be to take just a tiny taste of sex, just to see what it's like. I'm single myself; I've felt the temptations.
But let me urge you: don't give in. Dipping into sex before marriage, no matter how little, will only end in regret, no matter how stimulating it is up front.
Save it for the marriage bed. Save it so that you can have nights like Solomon and his bride enjoy in 7:1-10.
Or to put it simply:
I've never heard of a happy married couple who wished they had messed around more before marriage.
I've heard countless stories of people who have messed around who dearly wish they hadn't.
Monday, November 19, 2012
SoS 6:11-13 Time Management
Something else jumped out at me from the passage last time, but since that post was long enough already, we'll tackle it today. A refresher:
[She]
[11] I went down to the nut orchard
to look at the blossoms of the valley,
to see whether the vines had budded,
whether the pomegranates were in bloom.
[12] Before I was aware, my desire set me
among the chariots of my kinsman, a prince.
[Others]
[13] Return, return, O Shulammite,
return, return, that we may look upon you.
[He]
Why should you look upon the Shulammite,
as upon a dance before two armies?
(Song of Solomon 6:11-13 ESV)
This message is targeted to everyone: single friends, dating couples, married folk, and anyone else who for some reason isn't included in those categories.
Our topic today is time management. Boring topic, I know, but it's a crucial thing for everyone to understand if romance is to blossom unhindered!
Consider the verses above. Solomon's wife runs and grabs her husband for some intimate time, while her friends chase at her heels and want to spend the time with her, instead.
Let's deal with the obvious things first. Solomon and his bride are married. When they want to spend time together, their friends should have let them, instead of continuing to pester them for their time. Not only is the constant hounding annoying to the couple in love, but it can also heap feelings of guilt on them, if they feel like they're disappointing their friends every time they spend an evening with just themselves. Friends, don't be selfish and heap guilt on your married friends; let them be alone together in peace!
First lesson: friends, let couples be alone together when they want to be! Simple enough.
Bonus content: you could even be super friends by orchestrating a night alone for the couples you're friends with. Instead of clamoring for their time, give them some time; plan the evening out in secret and give it to them as a surprise after they've had a busy week. This is especially welcome if the couple has lots of kids, as kids tend to clutter up a couple's schedule pretty quick.
I remember Mark Driscoll telling a story of how he and his wife Grace went to a family they knew who had a lot of children. They asked the parents if they could watch the kids for one night a week, giving the parents a free date night for themselves. The parents were pleasantly surprised; they hadn't had a date night alone for a long time. Needless to say, they were incredibly grateful!
Now let's turn our attention to couples who are not married, but are dating or engaged.
Again, let's point out the obvious: dating couples want to spend time with each other. This is right and good and beautiful. No one has to tell dating couples to spend lots of time together; this is something every couple wants to do, and rightly so! It's hard to get to know someone if you're not spending time with them.
Still, it should be said that you don't have quite the same rights to each others' time as a married couple does, especially if your dating relationship is relatively young. It's not exactly right for a couple who just met to spend every waking moment with each other, clinging to each other so tightly that you ignore your friends and family.
I'm going to spend a bit of time on this, since it's sadly very common for people new to the dating scene to not grasp how the time management thing works. It can also be indicative of a deeper problem, and if that problem isn't dealt with, you'll have a lot worse things to deal with than a schedule.
If you are clinging that tightly that quickly, it can often be a sign of desperation and idolatry. It often signifies that your heart is not satisfied by God. Instead of being defined by your relationship with Him, you are seeking to be satisfied and defined by your relationship with this other person. This elevates your romantic partner to the level of a god, expecting them to satisfy you in ways that only God can. You might be able to sustain it for a little while, but eventually it will stifle your partner to death as you keep expecting them to do more than any human can possibly do. This is often the death of a relationship.
In short: if you think Jesus' love can never be as beautiful as the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you don't know Jesus! If this is you, then I urge you to spend some time reading the Gospels and meditating on how well Jesus loves people. Focus on Eph 2:1-10 and let your heart be amazed at the fact that God chose to love you when you were still dead in your sins, when you were so covered in guilt that you deserved hell. He loved you without anything to commend you to Him; you don't have to work for His affection! He died in your place to make you alive in Him, because He wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. He is absolutely delighted to spend every moment with you that He can. If you ever mess up, He won't punish you; He already punished Jesus in your place for your sins, and He won't punish the same sin twice. He will only respond to you with more love.
Additionally, being attracted to your partner is a beautiful and necessary thing, but being clingy can be an instant turn-off. Girls tend to be attracted to men with confidence. If a man wants to spend all of his time around her and clings like a little puppy dog, desperate for her constant attention, he's indicating that he has very little confidence in himself, making him very non-appealing in the average woman's eye.
So what is a good balance for a dating couple? In part, it depends on your schedule, but at the least, you each should have some free time every week that's not spent with each other. If your normal circle of friends feels like you've disappeared and they never see you, something's probably not as it should be.
Easy solution: hang out with your significant other and your friends at the same time! Don't keep them separate, as some are prone to do. After all, it's good for your friends to vet your significant other. If they approve, all the better! And if for some reason they don't approve as strongly as you do, maybe it's work asking if they see something you're overlooking.
In general, you and your dating partner should want to spend more time with each other. If you are so desperate for their time that they feel like they have to be with you constantly, or they feel like you are always wanting more, it can chip away at their eagerness to spend time with you.
Additionally, these kinds of clingy tendencies can be signs of having control issues. If you feel insecure, stressed, and worried when you're not with your partner, that's a sign that you're not trusting God with this relationship, that you want to be in control, that you fear what might happen if you're not in control. You need to trust God, here. He knows what to do.
Think about it this way. If God wants you two together, then He will bless your relationship as you trust Him. Also, He'll do a better job of controlling everything than you ever could.
On the other hand, He might know that you two are better off with other people, so He might lovingly end this relationship to move you on to something better. Either way, trust Him, and it'll go extremely well.
Once you are married though, you not only have the right to spend ridiculous amounts of time with each other, but you also have the responsibility. In marriage, you are pledging to be the one person on earth who will love this woman/man more than anyone else, who will always be there for them, who will make their happiness and well-being your responsibility. That's a serious commitment. That means that if your spouse is feeling lonely, you drop everything and go to them. Often in marriage, time is love. If your spouse doesn't feel like they get enough of your time, give it to them.
And we'll cap it off there, since this post is already longer than anticipated. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Fair warning: the posts for Wednesday and Friday might be a bit shorter than usual, given that it's a holiday, and I'll be prepping to preach a sermon on Sunday.
[She]
[11] I went down to the nut orchard
to look at the blossoms of the valley,
to see whether the vines had budded,
whether the pomegranates were in bloom.
[12] Before I was aware, my desire set me
among the chariots of my kinsman, a prince.
[Others]
[13] Return, return, O Shulammite,
return, return, that we may look upon you.
[He]
Why should you look upon the Shulammite,
as upon a dance before two armies?
(Song of Solomon 6:11-13 ESV)
This message is targeted to everyone: single friends, dating couples, married folk, and anyone else who for some reason isn't included in those categories.
Our topic today is time management. Boring topic, I know, but it's a crucial thing for everyone to understand if romance is to blossom unhindered!
Consider the verses above. Solomon's wife runs and grabs her husband for some intimate time, while her friends chase at her heels and want to spend the time with her, instead.
Let's deal with the obvious things first. Solomon and his bride are married. When they want to spend time together, their friends should have let them, instead of continuing to pester them for their time. Not only is the constant hounding annoying to the couple in love, but it can also heap feelings of guilt on them, if they feel like they're disappointing their friends every time they spend an evening with just themselves. Friends, don't be selfish and heap guilt on your married friends; let them be alone together in peace!
First lesson: friends, let couples be alone together when they want to be! Simple enough.
Bonus content: you could even be super friends by orchestrating a night alone for the couples you're friends with. Instead of clamoring for their time, give them some time; plan the evening out in secret and give it to them as a surprise after they've had a busy week. This is especially welcome if the couple has lots of kids, as kids tend to clutter up a couple's schedule pretty quick.
I remember Mark Driscoll telling a story of how he and his wife Grace went to a family they knew who had a lot of children. They asked the parents if they could watch the kids for one night a week, giving the parents a free date night for themselves. The parents were pleasantly surprised; they hadn't had a date night alone for a long time. Needless to say, they were incredibly grateful!
Now let's turn our attention to couples who are not married, but are dating or engaged.
Again, let's point out the obvious: dating couples want to spend time with each other. This is right and good and beautiful. No one has to tell dating couples to spend lots of time together; this is something every couple wants to do, and rightly so! It's hard to get to know someone if you're not spending time with them.
Still, it should be said that you don't have quite the same rights to each others' time as a married couple does, especially if your dating relationship is relatively young. It's not exactly right for a couple who just met to spend every waking moment with each other, clinging to each other so tightly that you ignore your friends and family.
I'm going to spend a bit of time on this, since it's sadly very common for people new to the dating scene to not grasp how the time management thing works. It can also be indicative of a deeper problem, and if that problem isn't dealt with, you'll have a lot worse things to deal with than a schedule.
If you are clinging that tightly that quickly, it can often be a sign of desperation and idolatry. It often signifies that your heart is not satisfied by God. Instead of being defined by your relationship with Him, you are seeking to be satisfied and defined by your relationship with this other person. This elevates your romantic partner to the level of a god, expecting them to satisfy you in ways that only God can. You might be able to sustain it for a little while, but eventually it will stifle your partner to death as you keep expecting them to do more than any human can possibly do. This is often the death of a relationship.
In short: if you think Jesus' love can never be as beautiful as the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you don't know Jesus! If this is you, then I urge you to spend some time reading the Gospels and meditating on how well Jesus loves people. Focus on Eph 2:1-10 and let your heart be amazed at the fact that God chose to love you when you were still dead in your sins, when you were so covered in guilt that you deserved hell. He loved you without anything to commend you to Him; you don't have to work for His affection! He died in your place to make you alive in Him, because He wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. He is absolutely delighted to spend every moment with you that He can. If you ever mess up, He won't punish you; He already punished Jesus in your place for your sins, and He won't punish the same sin twice. He will only respond to you with more love.
Additionally, being attracted to your partner is a beautiful and necessary thing, but being clingy can be an instant turn-off. Girls tend to be attracted to men with confidence. If a man wants to spend all of his time around her and clings like a little puppy dog, desperate for her constant attention, he's indicating that he has very little confidence in himself, making him very non-appealing in the average woman's eye.
So what is a good balance for a dating couple? In part, it depends on your schedule, but at the least, you each should have some free time every week that's not spent with each other. If your normal circle of friends feels like you've disappeared and they never see you, something's probably not as it should be.
Easy solution: hang out with your significant other and your friends at the same time! Don't keep them separate, as some are prone to do. After all, it's good for your friends to vet your significant other. If they approve, all the better! And if for some reason they don't approve as strongly as you do, maybe it's work asking if they see something you're overlooking.
In general, you and your dating partner should want to spend more time with each other. If you are so desperate for their time that they feel like they have to be with you constantly, or they feel like you are always wanting more, it can chip away at their eagerness to spend time with you.
Additionally, these kinds of clingy tendencies can be signs of having control issues. If you feel insecure, stressed, and worried when you're not with your partner, that's a sign that you're not trusting God with this relationship, that you want to be in control, that you fear what might happen if you're not in control. You need to trust God, here. He knows what to do.
Think about it this way. If God wants you two together, then He will bless your relationship as you trust Him. Also, He'll do a better job of controlling everything than you ever could.
On the other hand, He might know that you two are better off with other people, so He might lovingly end this relationship to move you on to something better. Either way, trust Him, and it'll go extremely well.
Once you are married though, you not only have the right to spend ridiculous amounts of time with each other, but you also have the responsibility. In marriage, you are pledging to be the one person on earth who will love this woman/man more than anyone else, who will always be there for them, who will make their happiness and well-being your responsibility. That's a serious commitment. That means that if your spouse is feeling lonely, you drop everything and go to them. Often in marriage, time is love. If your spouse doesn't feel like they get enough of your time, give it to them.
And we'll cap it off there, since this post is already longer than anticipated. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Fair warning: the posts for Wednesday and Friday might be a bit shorter than usual, given that it's a holiday, and I'll be prepping to preach a sermon on Sunday.
Almost there!
Greetings, all!
I've got Monday's post half-written; as soon as I get the time to finish it, it'll be posted.
Until then, let me leave you with a bit of advice for my married friends. I'm not married myself, so I haven't had a chance to experience this, but from what I hear it's one of the cruelest things humanly possible in a marriage:
https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/11/12/WdQhE-FQh0WnY8X9J-Pweg2.jpg
I've got Monday's post half-written; as soon as I get the time to finish it, it'll be posted.
Until then, let me leave you with a bit of advice for my married friends. I'm not married myself, so I haven't had a chance to experience this, but from what I hear it's one of the cruelest things humanly possible in a marriage:
https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/11/12/WdQhE-FQh0WnY8X9J-Pweg2.jpg
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