SoS 4:9 The Art of Captivation, or How to Inspire Pursuit

[9] You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
(Song of Solomon 4:9 ESV)


After telling his bride how perfectly beautiful she is, Solomon tells her these magical words: "You have captiated my heart, my sister, my bride." These words are simple, but they convey a powerful truth about romance:

Women captivate. Women win a man's heart by being continually captivating.

Men pursue women. This is wired into us. It's why, even in our egalitarian-leaning culture, men are still expected to be the ones who ask the girl out, to pay on the first date, to propose marriage. It requires courage, it requires confidence, it requires initiative, it requires leadership. All of these qualities in men that are necessary for a successful pursuit are attractive to women.

If men pursue, then women enjoy being pursued. Women enjoy knowing that they're worth the chase, that they're worthy of the effort a man puts into pursuing her.

This is a wonderful arrangement, but it also puts women in a tricky place. If a woman wants a man to pursue her, but she's not expected to initiate the pursuit, what can she do?

The answer: captivate him.

This has a few layers to it. First, a woman can captivate a man with, as Solomon says, "one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." It may sound strange to women, but a man can be completely ensnared by one glance. This is apparently what happened when Solomon met his future bride. He was captivated from the first moment her saw her.

This may have something to do with the fact that men are generally visual creatures, while women are more verbal. Men can lose their heart to a woman at the first glance, while women will often want a great deal of communication with a man before opening her heart to him. Women should recognize that they have this power!

Once a man is captivated by a woman, he will begin to pursue her. (A man can of course be captivated in many other ways besides the initial glance, but for the sake of brevity, we'll stick with the one that Solomon and his bride experienced).

During this pursuit, a man will discover whether a woman remains captivating. If she is, he will delight in getting to know her more, as each layer reveals even more reasons to be delighted with her. If she ceases to be captivating, the man will often lose interest in her, and may break off his pursuit.

There are many reasons why a woman can cease to be captivating to a man. To name just a few:

• She could focus all of her attention on her outward appearance, leaving very little depth beneath the surface
• She could be entirely self-focused, making the man feel used or neglected instead of valued
• She could have been lying to get the man's attention, such that when her lies are discovered, their bonds are revealed to be fake
• She could criticize her man constantly, leading him to feel disrespected
• She could cheat on her man
• She could rush talk of marriage, scaring some guys away 
• She could delay talk of marriage, leading her man to think she's just waiting for something better to come along
• Their attraction could have been based entirely on superficial matters, such that once the initial thrill wore off, nothing substantial remained to tie them together

(Necessary disclaimer: Men, we have our own list of ways in which we cease to become attractive to women. I'm not just picking on women here; us men are equally guilty. But again, for brevity, we'll focus where the text focuses).

In short, you can talk to just about any couple who recently broke up, and discover some way in which they ceased to be captivating to each other.

But this is not the end of every relationship. In the romances that continue on into marriage, the man continues to feel captivated by his woman, even after getting to know her extensively over time. It is often precisely this delight in continual captivation that leads a man to drop to one knee and offer this amazing woman a ring!

This is precisely what Solomon does. Then here, on their wedding night, he praises his woman for being so captivating for so long.

Note that he says "You HAVE captivated my heart." This is past-tense. She has already captivated his heart, through this long process of pursuit and courtship. He is not speaking merely of her beauty right here. He has already praised her for her immediate beauty. Here, he is praising her that she has been captivating all through his process of getting to know her. She has been entirely worthy of his pursuit, and he lavishes praise on her for it!

Her desire has long been to capture the heart of this man. She did this by cultivating a personality and a life that Solomon loves to explore. She invited his pursuit by being captivating, by first hooking him with one glance of her eyes, then reeling him in with a depth of character, integrity, love for God, diligence, and compassion.

So women, here's your take-away: If you want to attract (and keep) a man, focus on being a captivating woman!

Please note that I'm not saying "become like a Hollywood bimbo with too-much make-up and a stuck-up attitude." Do not be deceived by movies and magazines into thinking that being captivating focuses mainly on external appearances. As Solomon demonstrates, the true value in a woman is that she is continually captivating the more you get to know her. Otherwise, the captivation fades as the man discovers there's nothing underneath to match the shiny exterior.

So women, cultivate a deep richness in yourself. This can take many forms, but let's focus for a second on the biggest one: a love and passion for God.

This may cause a few women to roll their eyes. After all, many are the single Christian women who are having a hard time finding a man. They love Jesus and they're still single, so clearly there must be something else to it.

Not so fast. Speaking as a single man myself, there is nothing as attractive in a woman as a deep, vibrant passion for Jesus. I'm not talking about mere belief and agreement with Christian theology. I'm talking about a woman who is clearly and visibly in love with Jesus, who can't wait to spend more time with Him, who eagerly enjoys setting aside time to focus on her relationship with God. Women like this not only attract Christian men, but they inspire us. When I see a woman like this, I feel encouraged to seek God even harder myself, in order to be worthy of such a woman!

Women, there is some value in cultivating interesting hobbies and passions, such that you have interesting things to talk about with men. But that kind of depth doesn't actually go all that deep. Interests and hobbies change throughout life; you might love something now that you won't love 10 years from now, and you almost certainly loved something 10 years ago that you might be just a little ashamed of, currently.

Instead, cultivate this depth and richness of personality and character in the areas most central to your identity. Cultivate this richness in your relationship with God. In this sense, getting to know God will help you get to know the person you will marry. As I heard someone say recently, choosing God in this way means that you get both God and your man, while choosing to focus on a man at the neglect of God will lead to having neither.

Further, I know it's tempting, but women, one of the worst things you can do while single is throw a pity party and lament your singleness. This is time to invest in yourself and your relationship with God, not to waste on pity! Take this time to build yourself up in God, and when the right man catches a glance of your eye, you'll have plenty of material to keep the captivation alive and thriving.

Women, a man will be excited to pledge himself to one woman in marriage if he knows that a life-long relationship with this woman will continue to be captivating long after the honeymoon is over. This is why a relationship with God is so sexy to a man! It promises new material, new captivation, each day. As the woman keeps drawing herself closer to God, discovering new things about Him, she will have more and more to share with her man. To top it all off, this daily depth will be on the topic of utmost importance in life: our relationships with God. A woman who promises this kind of value in her life with a man is insanely, ridiculously attractive!

Contrarily, if a woman is primarily seeking a man instead of God, she can be tempted to give herself sexually long before the marriage. Often when this happens, the man soon loses interest in her. This is largely because once you go so deep so quickly, there's little left to explore. It also speaks of shallowness in the woman herself, if she is so quick to give up something so sacred just to try to snare a man. If she thinks so little of herself, the man likely won't think highly of her, either. But, if the woman is seeking God first, man second, then she will be far more likely to hold the line against this kind of behavior, and this strength of character will speak of a depth and richness of soul. It indicates that her relationship with God is so satisfying that she doesn't need to resort to desperate tactics to try to end her loneliness, and that kind of depth is captivating.

And men, I almost don't need to say this given how much it's already wired into us, but pursue women who captivate you. Don't settle for a woman who fails to excite you, especially in the area of her relationship with God. If you find yourself making exceptions, saying that her shallowness with God is acceptable because of her hotness or some other quality of hers, you will soon find yourself losing the sense of captivation that first drew you in.

So men: find a woman who captivates you and pursue her!

Women: cultivate a personality that captivates a man. Bait him with a glance of your eyes, then reel him in with your depth!

And men, when you've pursued this woman and she has remained captivating, praise her for it! It takes a lot of work for any person, man or woman, to avoid the cultural traps of wasting time in entertainment and instead invest it in growth. If she's done this, praise her for it! Tell her specifically how she captivates you. Encourage her to continue growing in those areas, and make sure that you keep growing in ways that will continue to captivate her.

People often say that marriage takes work. It does. But much of that begins in our lives as single people. So single people, you've got your work cut out for you! Begin cultivating an amazing marriage by becoming as captivating as possible, now.

You won't be sorry that you did. Solomon's bride certainly didn't regret it!

An Amazing Miracle in the Midst of Tragedy

Greetings, everyone. In lieu of a normal post today, I would like to simply like to point you to a very amazing story that emerged from the recent tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. I don't think I have to say too much; the story speaks for itself:  http://bstrait.wordpress.com/2012/07/22/a-miracle-inside-the-the-aurora-shooting-one-victims-story/

SoS 4:7 How Men See Beauty

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

Solomon speaks these words to his bride on their wedding night, after praising her specifically for the things he finds to be beautiful about her body. He says it to her at the time of greatest vulnerability; this is the first time she has unveiled her entire body to him. It's the time when she's at the greatest risk of rejection from her new husband. Yet Solomon has nothing but praise for the paragon of beauty he sees before him. 

These are words every wife needs to hear from her husband, but in order for them to matter, they have to come from a heart that is genuine. And that heart should be cultivated in a man long before he marries.

So men, this post is for you. It's for single men as well as married men, since this addresses our hearts. Women, feel free to read along and learn more about the inner workings of men.

I've mentioned already the concept of making your wife your standard of beauty. For those who missed it, I'll recap. 

Basically, once a man marries a woman, that woman must become that man's standard of what beauty is. If she's really tall, then he should consider height to be part of what's required for a girl to be beautiful. If she's brunette, then no blonde woman should catch his eye the way this brunette does. And as she grows older, his standard of beauty changes to include all that she is at any point in time. If a man truly does this, then no other woman can ever be as beautiful to him as his wife, because no other woman can ever fill the description of quantity the way that she can.

For this to work, the man will have to ask God to change his heart, because our American culture has warped our hearts, using attractive women to sell us everything from cars to beer to porn. It is entirely possible for a man to be absolutely delighted with one woman for his entire life, as long as he asks God to renew his heart back into what it was always meant to be. 

Every married man needs to do this. There are no exceptions. If your wife is not your standard of beauty, she will know, and it will drain the joy out of your marriage. For a woman to feel fully loved, she must know that her husband sees her as beautiful, that he only has eyes for her. 

So let's flesh this out a little bit, men. How can single men prepare their hearts for this? How can married men ensure that they are communicating only this?

First, let's deal with single men. Us single guys are the most vulnerable to culture's attacks on our hearts, since there isn't a woman nearby keeping us honest. 

Single men are constantly bombarded with images of attractive women, because we're wired to notice women. In this age of Photoshop, we're assaulted with pictures of too-perfect women, designed to be super-weapons of grabbing our attention. As we notice these women, we are subtly being taught to identify these Hollywood creations as "beautiful." This means that if we see a woman who isn't seemingly perfect like the women in the ads and movies, we instinctively think of her as less beautiful. 

When we look for women to date, then, we tend to focus on the women who match the definition of beauty the media has been forcing on us. When we do start pursuing a woman romantically, if we still have this Hollywood standard of beauty in our hearts, we'll compare the woman we are with to the women we see on the screens all around us, noting how she's less than the Photoshopped perfection. We'll mentally note that she's not the same as these poster women, and subconsciously conclude that she's less "beautiful." 

And then we'll start communicating it in ways that shatter her heart. We might not say it verbally, but women are masters at reading non-verbal communication. 

If a guy checks out another woman while he's with his girlfriend/fiancé/wife, she'll know, and she will feel less beautiful than the woman who caught her man's eye. 

If a guy fixates on a certain actress by watching all her movies, talking about her, or having a poster of her (even a picture saved on his computer), his girl will start to feel like this actress is the definition of beauty, not her. 

If a guy seldom tells his woman how beautiful she is, but quickly comments on how hot an actress or celebrity is, his woman will start to feel ugly by comparison.

Perhaps most critically, if a guy points out a flaw in his woman, even if he feels like he's innocently making an observation, she will likely hear it as a criticism on her beauty, as a reason why she's not as beautiful as she could have been without the flaw. She can feel judged, unloved, ugly, and unwanted, as a result.

All of these actions are birthed in the life of a single guy. Single guys feel free to check out any hot women who happen to walk by. Single guys feel free to fixate on an attractive actress, often justifying by saying that they'd like to marry a woman who looks like that someday. Single guys don't have to tell one woman that she's beautiful, and they feel free to comment on how hot a woman on screen is. Single guys feel free to compare attractive women they've seen, even pointing out flaws that make one woman less attractive than another. Watch any modern sitcom, especially something focused on dating like "How I Met Your Mother," and you will see these attitudes lived out constantly.

These can seem like innocent behaviors in a single guy. After all, no woman is being hurt when he's doing them. Yet they are building an attitude of selfishness in his heart, where he is the one who determines what is beautiful and what isn't (based subconsciously, of course, by what his culture has been feeding him). It teaches him to set the standard, and to feel free to judge women for not measuring up. 

When these attitudes are brought into a relationship, they bring death. Maybe the relationship itself won't die, if the man still has some grasp of romance. But if he keeps acting this way, his woman will not feel anywhere near as loved and cherished as she should feel. 

Solomon understands a woman's heart. He rightly praises his bride for her beauty. Even things that the culture says were odd, like long necks and dark skin, he praises. He sets her up as his definition of beauty, and he absolutely fills her heart with love for him.

Culture might lie to you here and tell you that Solomon had to make a sacrifice, to give up all these other attractive women, to praise his wife. But there is absolutely no sacrifice, no pain, no loss. Rather, Solomon has retained something most men have already lost.

You see, Solomon understands the male heart, as well. Back in Eden, when God brought the first woman to the first man, God didn't ask the man what the woman should look like. God simply made her and brought her to him. The man had never seen another woman. He had no other standard to judge by. She was the very definition of a beautiful woman, because she was the only definition of a beautiful woman, and she was his to love.

And what reaction does this man have when he first sees her? He sings. He composes the first song known to humankind and praises the woman he is beholding. He has absolutely no choice in his woman; he can only accept that this woman is beauty, for him. And his heart is so bursting with joy and love at the sight of her that he bursts out in song!

Men, it is a lie of a sinful, broken culture that you have to use the celebrity standard and pick the "hottest" girl available. There is no hottest girl! The only reason that you think some girls are hotter than others is that you have embraced a standard for beauty that is unbiblical and unnatural. Even the culture at large has realized how unnatural it is; even the most anti-biblical, sexually immoral relationship advice will counsel men to tell their women that they are the most beautiful woman on the planet. Yet this usually comes from a heart that is insincere, a heart that still clings to cultural standards of beauty and inwardly notices how his woman does not measure up.

Men, as Christians, we must do better. We cannot live our single lives with this selfish cultural notion of celebrity beauty, not if we hope to be good husbands in the future. We cannot keep these selfish hearts in romantic relationships, lying to our women about something so important to their well being. 

So men, it is time to change. 

If you are married, ask God to renew your heart back to the way it was always meant to be, to see your bride as the only woman on the earth, as the only standard of what beauty is. 

If you are single, ask God to change your heart away from selfishly being the judge of who is beautiful and who isn't. Instead, ask God to help you find the beauty in every person. If God opens your eyes to see it, you will always find beauty in the people around you, because every person is made in the image of God, and He is the source and perfection of all beauty.

Single men, if you live your life by expecting to find beauty in every woman you meet, you will find it. You may even find that women who don't look like they'e been Photoshopped end up being more holistically attractive than you ever thought possible. You may then notice that you are surrounded by a heck of a lot more beautiful women than you ever imagined!

SoS 4:2: Light Up Her Day

[He]
[2] Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes
that have come up from the washing,
all of which bear twins,
and not one among them has lost its young.
(Song of Solomon 4:2 ESV)

Howdy all!  So in the light of the holiday of blowing stuff up and grilling out under a scorching hot sun, I present to you a shorter blog post. It's basically one thought, and it's targeted to guys.

So here's the deal, guys. In Song of Solomon 4:2, Solomon praises his wife for her smile. It might seem strange to us today, because we have extensive dental care, but back in those days it was actually fairly rare to find a woman with all of her teeth. This woman apparently took exceptional care of her smile, and Solomon really liked it. So he praises her for it, very specifically. He devotes four entire lines of this poem to praising the beauty of her teeth; he really liked her smile!

So men: you have women in your life. Your wife, fiance, or girlfriend are all obvious choices, but you also might just have a mother, or a sister, or a sister-in-law, or a friend you're particularly close to. In every case, there's something different about this woman, some way that she stands out from the culture, from the sea of other women around her. Tell her what that thing is. Tell her about some little thing -- even something as little as her smile -- that sets her apart. I'm not asking for a dissertation here, guys. Just pick out one little thing and let her know. If you're married or dating, write up a little poem or card with your compliment on it, to enhance the romance. But even if there is no romance, in the case of a mother or sister, compliments are still treasured.

In celebration of a holiday when fireworks light up the night sky, light up this woman's day with a tiny little compliment about some thing that sets her apart from the rest. Give her a boost; let her know that she's special. Not only will you make her day, but it will show her that you're dialed in to her, that you pay attention to her. That's something every woman appreciates!