Song of Solomon 2:3-7: Why This Way Is Better

[She]
[3] As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
so is my beloved among the young men.
With great delight I sat in his shadow,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
[4] He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
[5] Sustain me with raisins;
refresh me with apples,
for I am sick with love.
[6] His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
[7] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.
(Song of Solomon 2:3-7 ESV)

I feel like I've addressed these verses a lot already, but I want to be humble before God, and admit that I probably missed several things.  So I'm going to ask a few standard questions of this passage, questions that I try to ask of every passage. (Spoiler alert: as you can tell by the length of this entry, I got some good answers to these questions!)

As I was asking these questions and seeking God for answers, a general theme tended to emerge.  Basically, it's the theme of why this way is better than any other way.  If you grew up in church, you often heard people telling you not to have sex before marriage, or not to look at porn.  They typically give a few scary reasons why, like you might catch STD's or get pregnant.  These are true, but they're also nothing that your high school health teacher couldn't tell you.

But have you ever wondered why God designed things this way?  If God designed us in such a way that this really is the best way, what did He accomplish by doing that?  Is there really any value to doing things God's way, when you get right down to the level of pure pleasure?

Keep reading to find out.

Song of Solomon 2:3-7: True Love, True Intimacy

[She]
[3] As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
so is my beloved among the young men.
With great delight I sat in his shadow,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
[4] He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
[5] Sustain me with raisins;
refresh me with apples,
for I am sick with love.
[6] His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
[7] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.
(Song of Solomon 2:3-7 ESV)

In the past two posts, I talked a lot about verses 1-2 and their connection to 3-7.  In this post, we'll focus more on 3-7 by itself, and see what wisdom it contains.  Note: This post is a little on the long side, simply because there is so much in these verses to study.  If you want to break it up into segments, I'd say go with 3-6 and then 7.  Just don't skip reading verse 7 because of the length; some of the most important stuff in this whole discussion is locked up in verse 7!

Single people, just a heads-up: this passage talks a lot about marriage.  As such, I won't be pulling out too many imperatives aimed at single people.  Instead, let me encourage you to see this passage as the goal to which you are headed.  If you want to be married, make this passage the target for which you're aiming.  As you live through all the choices you have to make in dating and relationships, keep these verses in mind.  If you know where you're going, you'll be able to navigate there with a lot less pain and confusion than you could, otherwise!

Song of Solomon 2:1-7: The Meaning of Marriage

[She]  
[2:1] I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
[He]  
[2] As a lily among brambles,
so is my love among the young women.


[She]  
[3] As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
so is my beloved among the young men.
With great delight I sat in his shadow,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
[4] He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
[5] Sustain me with raisins;
refresh me with apples,
for I am sick with love.
[6] His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
[7] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.


(Song of Solomon 2:1-7 ESV)

This post will largely be a response to my previous post about Song of Solomon 2:1-2.  This passage is so significant and so rich in meaning that it will take a while to fully explore.  So today will be more of a reflection on verses 1-7 as a whole, talking about the relation between verses 1-2 and the reaction they evoke from the woman in 3-7.  The next post will deal with verses 3-7 phrase by phrase, like the rest of the posts have been.  

Song of Solomon 2:1-2: The Key to Every Woman's Heart

[She]

[1] I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
[He]
[2] As a lily among brambles,
so is my love among the young women.


(Song of Solomon 2:1-2 ESV)

These two verses pack a lot of wisdom into a few words.  There's a great deal to learn here about a woman's heart, and about how a man needs to treat her heart so that she can rest and enjoy their love.  This will likely feel very counter-cultural, because this is a definition of beauty that our culture knows nothing about.  Yet this is intensely Biblical, and it truly is the key to every woman's heart.


Click the link to read the rest!

Song of Solomon 1:15-17: Complimenting the Socks Off Each Other

[HE]
[15] Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.
[SHE]
[16] Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.
Our couch is green;
[17] the beams of our house are cedar;
our rafters are pine.


(Song of Solomon 1:15-17 ESV)

v15 - "Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves."  Every woman needs to hear this.  Every woman has secret doubts about her beauty; she knows her flaws intimately.  Cultural voices and the Enemy constantly scream at her that if she isn't perfect, then she isn't beautiful.  It is a continual battle for most women to accept that they truly are beautiful, that they truly are amazing.

http://elblogderafan.blogspot.com/

She needs to hear how you see her, men.  Tell her how beautiful she is to you, and tell her repeatedly.  Solomon says it twice, then adds a third comment about how he loves her eyes, how they are precious and beautiful as doves.  You cannot say this enough!  

This applies to dating couples, engaged couples, married couples, and even between singles.  Men: tell these women how you see them, how beautiful they are to you.  And remember, words are the way to a woman's heart.  Don't just say "you're hot."  Tell her in detail.  Tell her often.  Tell her repeatedly.  In a dark world where every other voice is saying she's inferior, be the beacon of light in her life, telling her how truly stunning she really is!

Note: men, be careful not to say this to a woman you aren't in some kind of relationship with.  If she's a family member (wife, mom, sister, daughter, etc.) or a friend, fire away with the compliments.  (Just be sure your compliment is neutral, not flirtatious, unless you're talking with your romantic partner).  Telling a random girl on the street how beautiful she is will probably creep her out, since she has no idea who you are.  You should know who each other is before you give a compliment like this.  Women usually need to trust you, to feel safe with you, before they will open up to what you have to say.

"your eyes are doves."   Men, learn to compliment individual parts of your woman's body.  Single out her eyes; tell her how lovely they are, and compare them to something you find valuable, like doves.  Don't just say, "You're hot."  Anyone can say that, and it has no specific meaning.  Tell her about her specific beauty.  Her unique eye color, her unique hair color, her unique fashion style, her unique cheekbones, her unique lips, etc.  Show her how every individual part of her is beautiful.  Use poetry; use simile and metaphor, compare her to beautiful things, as Solomon compares her eyes to doves.  This is money in the bank, gentlemen.  But again, a caution: if you're not married, do not speak of things that clothing normally covers.  Don't let your thoughts wander there; it's a danger zone without the rings.  Keep the compliments coming, but stay in the safe zone.

Women might get a little shy or bashful when you tell them how beautiful they are, but deep down, they usually enjoy it.  Keep the compliments coming.  Be creative; the more thought you put into it, the better!

http://melvingaines.blogspot.com/2011/04/love-languages-for-your-life.html

v16 - "Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful."  Women, you can tell your man what you think of him, as well.  Compliment him excessively, even his appearance!  Men might not care about their appearance as much as women, but trust me, they still like to hear this.  Tell him how handsome you think he is.  Tell him why you're attracted to him, whether it's his intelligence, his passion for God, his creativity, his success in life, or whatever it is.  Again, be specific!  

The lesson: couples, constantly lift each other up with your words.  This is often called the "words of affirmation" love language, and it's powerful.  Tell each other why you find each other attractive.  Be specific!  Talk about physical appearance, character, beliefs, intellect, heart, spirituality, etc.  You can't say these things enough.  We all have doubts about ourselves, even the most confident among us.  Confidence is often the art of pushing your doubts to the back of your mind and proceeding ahead regardless of them -- but those doubts are still there, lingering.  So remove them from your relationship by complimenting the socks off of each other.  And if you keep these compliments flowing through marriage, you will be taking the socks off of each other, if you know what I mean.  

vv16-17 - "Our couch is green; the beams of our house are cedar; our rafters are pine."  This will sound simple at first, but she loves the fact that they have a house.  Some have thought this passage means they're outside; a couch of green (grass), cedar beams (trees), pine rafters (branches).  It's possible, but I don't think it's the right reading.  For one thing, we know that Solomon built his palace of valuable wood, just like these trees.  Also, cedar branches are a lot bigger than pine branches, usually.  It would make more sense to say that their rafter are cedar and their beams pine, if they were outdoors.  The argument isn't slam-dunk either way, but it seems to me to lean more towards them being in Solomon's palace, which was furnished with much wood and greenery.

And if they are indeed in Solomon's palace, then she loves it.  She loves the fact that they have such a beautiful home to call their own.  Not every woman needs a palace (some do, and if you have a high-maintenance woman like that, be prepared with a high-paying job), but every woman needs a home.  You need a safe place to be together, to worship God together, a place where your love and worship is safe from the outside world.  

Note: this probably isn't going to be your parent's basement.  If you are facing hard financial times and you're working to save up for a home, then fine.  But if you're lazy and playing your Xbox all day instead of getting a job, then you are in sin.  You're sinning against your wife; you're placing your own desire for entertainment above her need for a home to call her own.  If you are married, if you have committed yourself to her, then put away the Call of Duty and get a paycheck.  Trust me, you'll be happier with a woman who is delighted to be in a home with you, than you would be with a high video game score and a wife who is resentful towards you because of your selfishness.  

And single men, if you want to spend your days playing video games, then don't pursue marriage, and don't act like you're married by sleeping with a girl.  Just admit that you're still a boy in a man's body who can't be dragged away from his video games long enough to shoulder some actual responsibility.  If you're going to keep acting like a boy, don't drag a woman into your life. She needs a man, not a boy who can shave.  (This paragraph has been brought to you by Mark Driscoll).

http://images.businessweek.com/ss/06/01/pf_rustic/source/10.htm

As a final note, if this couple is outdoors, then she's celebrating that the trees and grass are creating a natural home for them.  It's like make-believe, for adults, if you're cuddling together in a secluded natural hide-away.  It can be a lot of fun to be there together, and to view the trees and grass as a temporary home for you, as you enjoy your oasis together.

But realize that this is fun to imagine because of the desire for a real home.  Getting time together in the woods is enjoyable, but if all you have is the woods and you have no real home, then it's not going to be fun for long.  You need a home.  This is why Adam was created before Eve: he had to cultivate a home for her in Eden where she would be safe, where her worship of God would be protected and encouraged.  So get her that home, men.  Create a safe haven for her, where she can worship God in peace, with you.  To start out with, maybe all you can afford is a small apartment.  Yet if it's yours, it'll do.  Upgrade when you can, as you keep working hard.  

Song of Solomon 1:12-14: Oasis

[She]

[12] While the king was on his couch,

my nard gave forth its fragrance.

[13] My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh

that lies between my breasts.

[14] My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms

in the vineyards of Engedi.

(Song of Solomon 1:12-14 ESV)

This passage seems to me to celebrate the man and woman delighting in each other as they relax together.  They aren't doing anything other than reclining on a couch, talking to each other.  This section isn't about action.  Rather, it's about emotion.  

This kind of thing is vital to any romantic relationship.  There is a simple, tender, nearly transcendent joy of cuddling with a loved one and telling each other of your love for each other.  

v12 - "While the king was on his couch," She loves referring to Solomon as "the king."  This is his official position, but it has also become a pet name for them.  And, personally speaking, every man feels like (or wants to feel like) the kind of his private domain, whatever that is (house, business, car, farm, whatever).  A woman tenderly calling her man "king" will likely boost the heart of every man.  

This also indicates something about the heart of women, that they love celebrating their man's success.  If her man is king, or a president of VP of a company, or a teacher, or a boss, or an artist, or a writer, or a pastor, whatever he does, whatever title he holds, whatever respect he has earned, she wants to celebrate with him.  You can see this in any church or social setting where you meet a married couple.  Ask them what they do, and 9 times out of 10, the woman will jump at the chance to tell you all about her husband, his position, what he does.  

The old cliche is true: women love men in power.  Or, perhaps more accurately phrased, women love it when their man has power.  That's not to say that each man has to be a President or VP to get a woman, but it is saying that women like it when a man reaches high, when he strives, when he achieves.  The job should never get in the way of the relationship; this woman would hate it if Solomon spent all of his time on the throne instead of with her.  But she loves that her man strives, achieves, and succeeds.  He uses his power to do great things.  He has earned respect.  She loves this in her man, as all women do!

And right now, this king is reclining on his couch.  He's not lazy; he accomplishes a great deal.  But right now, he's relaxing, and she's cuddled up with him.

"my nard gave forth its fragrance."  Her nard gives forth its fragrance; the two are bathed in its smell.  As any man knows, the smell of your woman is precious.  This was depicted well on the TV show Monk; after his wife passed away, he kept a pillow of hers sealed away in a plastic bag, just so he could unzip it and smell the fragrance of her shampoo again.  He hadn't particularly liked the smell before, but now that she was gone, he loved it simply because it reminded him of her, of her being close.  That kind of smell becomes precious; it binds you two together.

To take this to another level, women, take your man shopping and have him pick out perfume for you.  Men, have your woman pick out your deodorant, your cologne.  Pick out fragrances that are pleasing to each other.  Whenever you smell that particular smell in the future, you'll think of each other, you'll know this is a part of life that you've chosen to share with each other.  It's often these little things, something as small as a scent, that can help knit you together.

v13 - "My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts." Here she draws a very intimate metaphor.  This sachet of myrrh would give off a very pleasing scent, and its location is obvious very intimate.  She's saying that she adores her man's scent; she wants to be reminded of it always, and she wants it close.  She wants him close, intimate.  If a woman wears perfume like this, that scent is always with her; all day long, it is delightfully present.  That's what she wants her man to be; all day long, she wants him to be delightfully present.

She wants him to be this way -- and she rejoices because he is.  She doesn't have to plead or cajole; her man is already there, with her, right where he wants to be.  

Men, please hear this: your woman doesn't primarily want you to be working and earning money for her.  She wants you to be there with her.  Forget the cultural lies that you have to work overtime and weekends to give your family money.  They don't want piles of cash.  They want you, home, with them.  A long cuddle is far more precious than a credit card!

v14 - "My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi."  Again, she compares her beloved man to something precious, sweet-smelling, and beautiful: henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.  Henna blossoms are remarkably fragrant; they've been used in perfumes since 1500 B.C.!

Side note: gentlemen, note how often the woman compares her man to flowers and sweet fragrances.  This is a not-so-subtle hint that women really like flowers!  Give them flowers!

Engedi is an oasis, a place of peace, shade, coolness, and refreshment in the midst of a desert.  It's a great place to get away, and it seems that this woman and Solomon frequently took trips to Engedi, to get away from it all.  She enjoys and treasures her man, comparing him to the beauty of this romantic place.  

In addition to fragrances, we often associate things and places with a beloved person.  It could be that Solomon frequently gave her clusters of henna blossoms; this was a regular present to her, a reminder of the enjoyable times they've spent at Engedi together.  Even the mention of Engedi's name, or seeing its flowers, is enough to bring the mind back to those enjoyable, peaceful, romantic times together.  

So men and women: do little things to remind your beloved of your fond memories together.  Send special flowers; maybe you always give her lavender sprigs, or maybe she grew up on a farm where dafodils were everywhere.  If you took your honeymoon at a ski resort, give a little pair of skis in the shape of a heart.  If there's a special song you have always enjoyed together, send a little guitar that plays that song at the press of a button.  These little gifts and gestures can be great help in keeping romance alive, in putting romantic sparks into an otherwise ordinary day.  

How do I get this specific application from this one verse?  I ask: why does she choose to say henna blossoms, and why mention Engedi?  Most likely, it's because these things have personal connection and meaning for both of them.  

(To give credit where credit is due, the next two paragraphs are pretty much straight-up copied from Driscoll's sermon on this chapter).  Engedi -- this is an oasis in the middle of a desert.  Guys view their lives as a desert, a battleground.  They want to come home to Engedi, to an oasis.  Wives, work to make sure this is possible.  Instead of barraging your husband with a thousand requests the moment he comes in the door, give him some time.  Let him relax, unwind.  I love the story of a guy who came home, found nachos and a drink waiting for him by his favorite chair, with his wife saying, "Welcome home, I know you've had a hard day, relax."  He just said, "I love that woman."  Women, this is a way straight into your man's heart: make your home an oasis for him.

Men, ask your wives how you can make your home an oasis for her.  If she's been home with the kids all day, she needs a different kind of escape.  Make sure she has it.  If you're both working, make sure that the time you spend together at home is an oasis, rather than a business meeting where you deal with things that need to be done around the house.  Don't take out your frustrations on each other.  Feel free to vent to each other, but don't take negative emotions from work and transplant them onto your spouse.  Don't extend work into your relationship with each other.  Escape from it with each other.  (This ends the Driscoll portion).

Men and women, seek to keep your relationship healthy, such that you are an oasis for each other.  For this woman, her man is this oasis.  Just by being with him, she gets away from it all.  She enjoys their love, she enjoys him, that much.

To maintain this Engedi with each other, you have to keep the relationship healthy.  When conflict comes up, you must deal with it in a fair manner -- as Song of Solomon will deal with in a little bit.  You cannot suppress conflict or avoid it.  You cannot hold onto grudges and become bitter; you must forgive, even if the other person doesn't deserve it, because you never deserved to be forgiven by Jesus for all that you've done to Him.  You must seek to serve your beloved, instead of demanding that your needs be met first.  You must speak their love language.  You must care for them in every way you can.  You love and respect each other.  Your love must be unconditional; there is nothing the other person could ever do to make you stop loving them.

If you keep your relationship healthy, you will be an oasis for each other.  If your beloved knows that you love them above all others, and they see this demonstrated every day by the way that you treat them, you will be their oasis, and they will be yours.

But if you behave selfishly towards each other and view the other person as your means to happiness (read: your slave whose job it is to make you happy), then no, you won't be a refreshing escape for each other.  You'll be an emotional drag until your individual selfishnesses happen to line up and you do something you both want to do.  But after it's over, you'll be right back at seeing the other person as your slave, because you never left there.  You may never think the word "slave" in relation to them, but it's what they are: you expect them to make you happy, and if they're not making you happy, then you're angry with them for failing in their duty.  That's a slave.  And it's death to romance.  True love requires being a servant.  Or better said: true love has no one greater than a person who lays down their life for another.

Alternatively, you might view the other as your prostitute.  You might not view yourself as having a commitment; you both just get together when you want to feel good.  Regardless of what labels you give yourself (boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits, married, whatever), if you only trade time together for pleasurable experiences, then you are primarily selfish, using them as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves.  If this is the case, then you are just a prostitute for each other.  Instead of paying in cash, you pay with a dinner, or with a label like "girlfriend," or as just a warm body to be next to so you don't feel lonely, or as a place-holder relationship to keep you from feeling like a depressed single person even though you know there's no future there, or with any number of other payments.  If there's no commitment, if you're not one, if you're two individuals rather than one couple, you're just prostituting yourselves, selling yourself for goods or services or experiences.  You're denying yourself the immense joys of a commited relationship.  

You can't experience Engedi with a prostitute. You can't experience the joy of someone knowing you and choosing to serve you, even when you don't deserve it, just because they love you, and you can't experience the joy of serving them back.  True love is a relationship, a commitment; it's not simply an experience or a feeling.  It certainly involves a great many experiences and feelings, but true love is far, far more than that.  

Delayed!

Greetings, all! So I've been at the Desiring God Pastor's Conference all week, which has really cut into my blog writing time. Nevertheless, I'll have a new SoS post up in a few hours. I hope you'll enjoy it!