SoS 8:11-14 "How Love Began"

After a year-long journey, this is finally the last post in the exploration of Song of Solomon. This last section gives a shout out to several earlier sections in the book, pulling everything together in one last beautiful refrain.

Proving yet again that this book wasn't written in order of the way things happened, the last section describes how the couple first met.

[Her]
[11] Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon;
he let out the vineyard to keepers;
each one was to bring for its fruit a thousand pieces of silver.
[12] My vineyard, my very own, is before me;
you, O Solomon, may have the thousand,
and the keepers of the fruit two hundred.
[Him]
[13] O you who dwell in the gardens,
with companions listening for your voice;
let me hear it.
[Her]
[14] Make haste, my beloved,
and be like a gazelle
or a young stag
on the mountains of spices.
(Song of Solomon 8:11-14 ESV)

The woman begins by describing a few events that led up to her meeting the man of her dreams.

First, Solomon was a wealthy king. He had parks and vineyards and forests throughout the country. One such vineyard was in Baal-hamon, and he hired people to take care of it. They would plant the seeds, care for the plants, harvest the grapes, make a profit by selling wine and grapes on the markets. From the profits, they would give Solomon a thousand pieces of silver, since it was his vineyard.

We learned in chapter one that Solomon's bride used to work in a vineyard with her brothers. As she said, "My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept!" Her brothers previously had sought to protect her purity, as it seems their father was out of the picture. Yet they apparently had a poor work ethic, and she ended up doing most of the work. As a result, she didn't have time to care for her physical appearance. She keeps the vineyards of grapes, but her own vineyard, the garden of her beauty, she hasn't had time to keep.

But it just so happened that this vineyard she worked was owned by Solomon. One day Solomon visited the vineyard, to see how everything was coming along. He found something he hadn't expected: the woman doing most of the work was not only a hard worker, but also gorgeous. She had cultivated a beautiful vineyard, but also a beautiful character.

In chapter one, she is bashful; she feels embarrassed to have sunburned skin, when all the wealthy women of the day had pale skin, since they didn't have to be out in the fields working all day long, as she did.

She was quite smitten from the start. She says, "My vineyard, my very own, is before me." The moment she sees Solomon, she's self-conscious because she realizes she must look terrible, covered in sweat with her hair all over the place and dressed in common work clothes. She's attracted to Solomon; she wants to appear beautiful to him, to make him notice her.

Yet she had no reason to worry. Solomon found her beautiful, even with what she perceived to be flaws. Solomon found her to be captivating.

She, in return, found Solomon to be a man worthy of honor, a man worthy of the possessions and power he held. She says, "You, O Solomon, may have the thousand, and the keepers of the fruit two hundred."

She says that Solomon is due the full profit of the vineyard. This might seem fairly obvious, but consider the plight of a working woman, especially one forced to do the majority of the labor. It would be easy for her to grow resentful of her condition, to despise her brothers and the man who owned the vineyard in the first place.

Yet she harbors no resentment. When she sees Solomon, she has nothing but respect for him. Not only does she say that he deserves the profit of the vineyard, but she also says that her brothers deserved their share of 200 pieces of silver, for their role as caretakers. She doesn't rat out her lazy brothers to the boss; instead, she honors them.

It may have been this very act of charity towards her undeserving brothers that sparked Solomon's notice! Not only was she beautiful and hard-working, but she was gracious and kind, as well. Solomon was wise and discerning; it was likely immediately noticeable to him that the men were taking advantage of their sister. Many women would have been asking for punishment and retribution, instead of asking for them to receive their full wages.

Solomon notices her, even as she feels entirely unpresentable. And it may just have been this very fact that convinced her that the king was truly interested in her, a lowly working woman. 

After all, Solomon is the king! He could have any woman he wanted: the most beautiful in the land, the most wealthy, the most famous, the most powerful, the most talented. He could also be a snob, a man who thinks he deserves more than anyone else, a man who would use a woman, but not love her. How could a woman believe that he was truly interested in her for who she was, and that he was a man worthy of her heart?

Perhaps she saw these things when she realized that she looked atrocious sweating in the midday sun, yet Solomon still was captivated by her. He saw that she was beautiful, and that her beauty was so great that it didn't depend on make-up or dresses or perfume.

He also saw her character, as she was a astonishingly hard worker, and she was gracious and loving toward her family, even when they were less than deserving of it. In other words, he was attracted to what he saw inside of her.

Men, listen up. It's a right and good thing to compliment women on their beauty. Solomon has demonstrated that over and over again in this book.

Yet anyone can look at a hot girl and say, "Hey, you look hot." Remember that there's more to a girl than what's on the outside. If you truly want to touch the heart of a woman, look inside of her. Compliment her on her character, on her intelligence, on her creativity, on her hard work, on the skills she's worked her entire life on.

Men, if you're attracted to a woman for how kind and gracious she is, and you tell her that, it will mean a lot more than simply being drawn to her because she's "hot."

Solomon saw a beautiful woman of character and pursued her romantically. He won her heart in purity and made her his queen.

They've shared an adventure of romance that is still being sung about 3,000 years after they met!

In this, they demonstrate how love should begin. 

There was an initial moment of outward attraction. She saw how handsome Solomon was and became flustered; she fretted that she wasn't presentable. But Solomon saw her and instantly found her to be beautiful, even with sweat pouring down her forehead.

After that, they got to know a little about each other's character. Solomon saw that she was a virtuous a woman, a hard worker who was gracious and kind to those around her, even those whom she could have resented. She saw that he was a wise and capable ruler, a king worthy of his position who deserved all he had been given.

As they were attracted to both the appearance and character of each other, they began a relationship. Solomon pursued her romantically, in purity; he gave us a snap-shot of their courtship in chapter two. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So from this, let us draw two quick observations. First, all romantic relationships should be based on attraction to a person's character, to their internal qualities. After all, a person's outward appearance will change over time. Don't pursue a person for how hot they are right now. Find a person with personality traits and qualities that will make like with them a joy, no matter what age they happen to be!

Second, we must admit that physical attraction to a person's outward appearance is important. But, as Solomon displayed, that does not mean Hollywood rules our relationships. Solomon found her beautiful even in the middle of a work day under a hot sun. This means that he wasn't looking for a pre-set standard; he didn't have a profile in mind that his ideal woman had to be 5'6", blonde, and less than 110 lbs. When they were married, he made her his standard of beauty, which means that he didn't have a standard before hand. He went through life seeing beauty in everyone, and found plenty of it in the woman who became his bride.

In other words: while physical attraction is important, it is secondary. If you are attracted to a person's internal qualities, you can make their physical appearance your standard of beauty, and you will grow to see them as the most gorgeous human being ever to walk the planet!


This has been a long run; this book is packed full of wisdom. So how do they end this love poem of theirs?

He says, "O you who dwell in the gardens, with companions listening for your voice; let me hear it." Earlier in the book they dealt with her many friends, who constantly vie for her attention. Yet Solomon wants to spend time with her; he wants to talk with her. He asks for the beautiful pleasure of hearing her voice.


She responds, "Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices."

This is a curious turn-around. She calls her husband to the bedroom, while he calls her to a chat. Our stereotypes say the opposite, that women love to talk, while men want to get physical.

And that's still the case, here. These are the last words from Solomon and his bride, and they demonstrate that they have learned to speak each other's love languages very well. They know how to love each other, and they express their love and desire for each other in the way that their beloved enjoys.

She loves to talk, so Solomon lovingly asks her to sit down and talk with him. Her love language is quality time, with a lot of words of affirmation thrown in the mix. Solomon speaks her language and gives her what her heart desires: uninterrupted quality time with her beloved.

Solomon's love language is more of the physical touch variety (as is statistically true with most men). He loves to express his passion for his wife in the bedroom, so she eagerly calls him to it. And as I have heard from my married friends, these words from a wife are like crack to her husband!

In other words: this couple has learned not to demand things from each other. They don't harbor bitterness or a sense of superiority, expecting the other person to serve them first. They have dropped their selfishness.

Instead of being centered on themselves, they put their spouse in the center. He invites her to the very activity she is most eager for, to the love language she enjoys speaking the most. She does the same for him. In doing so, they both feel loved, cherish, appreciated, and known. Not only are they loved, but they are loved well; their spouse knows them extremely well, and shows it in the way they express affection to them.

So couples, take heed of the wisdom they demonstrate. True love is not about expecting and demanding things from your spouse. True love is being a gift to your spouse, lovingly offering them what they desire without demanding they do it to you, first. True love is knowing your spouse more intimately than anyone else ever can, and demonstrating that in the specific ways that you express your love to them.


And so, my friends, this is the end of the book.

Solomon and his bride tell us of their first meeting, showing us that love blossoms when you look inside a person and find their character attractive. Solomon was handsome and his wife beautiful, but what really drew them to each other were their inner qualities.

They also tell us of their marriage, how they have learned to love each other well. They speak each other's love languages well, inviting each other to the very activities that their beloved is most eager for. They demonstrate true love, based on a thorough and deep knowledge of each other.

The beginning and the end; love budding for the first time and a love richly seasoned with time and experience.

May you find a love such as the one this couple experienced. May you be attracted to a beautiful person of great character, and may your relationship grow in knowledge and love until you speak each other's love languages so well that you never doubt how much you are adored.

Above all, remember that you are already fully known and already fully loved by the very God who created you. As beautiful as human romance is, it is merely a foretaste of the immense love that Jesus has for His bride, the Church! 

If you seek true love, find it first of all in Jesus, for only He can truly satisfy the longings of your heart.

Then, find a soul mate among your fellow Christ-followers, and echo His great love to each other for the rest of your lives.

You were made for love.

SoS 8:8-10 "Why and How We Fight for Purity"

Song of Solomon wasn't written in chronological order, and no where is this more apparent than the end! It's the last chapter of the book, the last few sentences, and suddenly we're earlier in the story than ever before. We flash back to a time before Solomon and his bride knew each other, back to before she was even a teenager.

So why does the book make this sudden shift? My speculation is that Solomon and his bride anticipate that after a couple comes together and is wed, they will eventually be interested in helping their friends and siblings find love as they have. Hopefully they will also have children and will want to do everything they can to help their kids find love.

This section address just such a situation.

[Her brothers]
[8] We have a little sister,
and she has no breasts.
What shall we do for our sister
on the day when she is spoken for?
[9] If she is a wall,
we will build on her a battlement of silver,
but if she is a door,
we will enclose her with boards of cedar.
[Her]
[10] I was a wall,
and my breasts were like towers;
then I was in his eyes
as one who finds peace.
(Song of Solomon 8:8-10 ESV)

"We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for?" This woman has several older brothers, whom she's mentioned before in the Song. Here they are wondering how to protect their little sister. Apparently their father has passed away, and they feel protective of her. She's growing, and they know that soon she'll be attracting the attention of men.

(Side note for clarification: when they say that she has no breasts in verse 8, they aren't being cruel; they're merely saying that she's still at that young age where they haven't begun to develop).

Her brothers want to protect her purity. Again, because of cultural differences, let me clear up any confusion. They are not saying that women are inferior people and men must protect them, or that women don't know what's best for them. They're not being chauvinistic or domineering.

Rather, they're spinning off the wisdom that this woman herself has said earlier in this book. She has continually urged her friends not to awaken love before it desires. She pleads with her single friends not to have sex outside of marriage, because it can never compare to saving sex for marriage. She urges them to stay pure because it is the route to the greatest pleasure possible.

"If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver" Her brothers, here, decide to uphold this same virtue. They decide that if she is a wall, if she guards her own purity, then they will build on her battlements of silver. Silver isn't used for weapons; it's used for decoration. So if they see her guarding her purity, they will compliment her and draw attention to it, showing people how beautiful it is.

"but if she is a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar." In other words, if she opens herself up to guys who want to take from her without first marrying her, they're going to protect her and keep her away from these guys. She may have freaked out against her brothers and hated them for doing so, in the moment. But as she's already said repeatedly, saving sex for marriage is the route to greatest joy; this is what she wants.

(Side note: I think this is another good reason that Solomon put this section at the end of the book. If this came first, it would seem more like these brothers are being domineering. But we've heard from this woman several times that this is the very behavior she finds as most wise, as the route to greatest pleasure. So when her brothers act to accomplish this, they're only doing what she herself wants others to do, what she is so glad that she herself did).

Ladies, let me just encourage you here to guard your purity as this book advocates. Your purity is yours alone to guard or to give away. If you are blessed with a Godly father and/or brothers who will look out for you, consider yourself profoundly blessed!

But ultimately, the decision is yours, ladies. Men might pursue you, but they can't have you unless you open up to them. 

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that you don't give yourself to any man unless he gives you a wedding ring first! This is the path to the romance, pleasure, joy, and peace that you crave. Anything that falls short of this will only deliver romance that falls short, pleasure that falls short, joy that falls short, and peace that falls short.


"I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers" This woman decided to be a wall. She listened to the counsel of others and saved herself for marriage. As the book demonstrates repeatedly, she is overwhelmingly glad that she did!

She was not led astray by sexual desires. Instead, she chose her course wisely, and now her sexuality, completely unstained, shines as it unites her to her husband in purity. Instead of hiding a painful past, she is confident and resplendent in the purity of her faithfulness. Women, I urge you to seek the same!

"then I was in his eyes as one who finds peace." When Solomon looks at this woman, this beautiful wife he cherishes so dearly, he feels peace. He has no need to fret or worry. She saved herself for him; she cherishes him; she is faithful to him. Because of this, she is a great delight to him.

Women and men, let's talk honestly for a second. The stereotype is that men are pigs; they love to lust after girls who flirt with them and do other things with them. Girls are thus tempted to reveal skin, to act flirtatiously, to give in to guys, so that they will get the attention from guys that they crave.

Men might be excited by easy women at first. In the bar scene, it's what they tend to crave.

But in marriage, an easy woman is a nightmare to a man. 

If a man fears that his wife might be flirting with others, that she might not be faithful to him, it is a terror. That man will not know peace if he suspects in the slightest that she's running around. Men can even fear that they are inferior to their wife's past lovers, that she secretly wishes to return to them. This is one of the vulnerable areas of life, one of the few cracks where even the most confident, solid man can shatter and become a quivering wreck.

Solomon doesn't have to worry about this, because he knows his bride is faithful. She has cultivated her character for her entire life, as demonstrated by her faithfulness to him. He has no worries. Every time he looks at her, he knows peace.

Women, one of the greatest ways you can bless your husband (even if you haven't met him yet) is to keep yourself pure in your singleness, so that you can give him the same kind of peace that Solomon enjoys. 

(Side note: I am not accusing women, as if a man's lack of peace is always a woman's fault. Quite to the contrary, a man's peace should be fixed in Christ, so much so that it can survive even life's worst tragedies. In describing a man's terror above, I am only being descriptive, noting what happens to some. I am in no way blaming a woman for a man's behavior).

To summarize this whole post into a single statement: In your singleness, be a wall; it is the path to lasting peace.

This world can provide a thousand temptations a day that promise you something better, or an easier way to get what you want. They are all lies. Do not give up something you can never reclaim.

Women, you are treasures, each and every one of you. Do not give yourself for anything less than a marriage commitment. If a man promises to you his heart for the rest of his life, he finds you to be priceless. Don't settle for anything less.

SoS 8:6-7 "Recognizing and Pursuing True Love"

Question: How do you know when a man is in love?

Answer: He stays. Through everything.

As Song of Solomon ends, it spends much of its last few words teaching about the nature of true love. Solomon's bride speaks boldly about the nature of love that lasts, full of much wisdom:

[Her]

[6] Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
[7] Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
(Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ESV)


We'll go through this section line-by-line, since there's so much wisdom packed into each phrase.


"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm"  Essentially, Solomon's bride wants to be her husband's most prized possession. In the ancient Israelite world, a seal would be your means of personally identifying yourself. It was often a stone engraved with your unique personal pattern, so that if you stamped it into hot wax, it would indicate that you had personally approved or sent the document in question. You protected and prized your seal, since it was one-of-a-kind, and if stolen, would be impossible to perfectly replicate. There was no physical object you protected like your seal.

So for her to ask to be her husband's seal, she's asking to be cherished, to be prized for being uniquely her, for their relationship to be protected. She wants to be so uniquely identified with Solomon that everyone knows she is his seal. She wants to be so close to her husband in mind, in soul, in heart, that if she approves something, people know Solomon approves of it. She wants to be one with him.

She also wants his heart to be stamped with her, so that every other woman realizes he's hers. This is what true love aspires to; this is what marriage should be.

Our culture sometimes mocks overly obsessed girlfriends and boyfriends, people who cling so tightly so early that they're portrayed as pathetically desperate. That's not what we're talking about, here. 

This couple is wed. They have gotten to know each other over a long courtship and have pledged to spend their lives together. They have vowed before God to love each other as their spouse. Once that commitment has been made, the wife should be stamped on her husband's heart, marking her as his, and him as hers. 



"for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave."  Death is a constant, one of the most powerful and fearsome things in all creation. No matter who you are, how strong you are, or how smart you are, death will claim you, in the end. It is unavoidable and unbeatable, particularly so in the minds of the people of the ancient world.


So when Solomon's bride compares the strength of love to the strength of death, she is saying that true love is unbeatable. It can not be defeated. True love that has been sealed by marriage vows should never fail.

So when she's asking to be cherished as a seal upon her husband's heart, she is not saying this out of desperation. This is right and proper and beautiful in a marriage of true love. 

When she says "jealousy" above, she's not referring to the paranoid stalkerish kind of jealousy where she's constantly checking her husband's phone for suspicious text messages and attacking every woman who likes one of his Facebook status updates. 

Rather, she's saying that the marriage commitment is serious. It's a covenant where you bring all that you are and pledge to love all that your spouse is. It means that when a man marries a woman, he is suddenly dead to all other women, and they are dead to him. He is committed exclusively and entirely to his bride, and she to him. 

This is also why cohabitation is such a terrible thing. Today's culture says that if you like someone, you should move in together, so see if you're sexually compatible and can make a life together. It almost makes sense. But it is the exact opposite of love!

True love is a commitment of your all. Cohabitation says that I like parts of you, but I'm not sure about the whole thing. It says that I'm going to take from you anything I want without promising anything solid in return. It says that I always want to leave the back door open, because I'm not sure that I want to love only you. This is why cohabitation often kills romance; it is full of lust, but not of true love, a relationship formed from selfishness instead of commitment.

Cohabitation says that it could end at any time, that the feelings may be fleeting, that this could simply fade away and be nothing. 

But true love always endures, always perseveres, never fails. "Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD." This is the only direct reference to God in the entire Song, and its meaning is clear: true love between humans is built of the very same love that Jesus has for His bride, the Church. 

In other words, a husband can divorce his wife when Christ divorces the church. Just so that we're clear: that will never happen. 

In the entire Bible, only two relationships are considered exclusive, such that this kind of jealousy is appropriate: the love of God for the church, and the love of husband and wife for each other. This is partly because marriage is intended to show the world how God loves the church; marriage is a living parable, teaching the world about the God who is Love.

In other words, if a person comes up to a married couple and says, "What does it look like for God to love me?", a good husband should be able to smile, turn to his wife, and say, "It looks a lot like how I love her."


"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." True love survives all challenges. In the ancient world, they feared the sea above all. Its power couldn't be tamed, and traveling on it was always risky. Once it had you in its grip, you were gone.

Yet even the terrible powers of the sea cannot quench the fire of love. No matter what power rises against it, love will always triumph.

"If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised." As the Beatles so beautifully sang, "You can't buy me love." We idolize money, so much so that the Bible rightly says the love of money is the root of all evil. Yet even this powerful, greatly desired thing has no ability to acquire love.

True love is unlike everything else on earth. It can't be bought in any sense; anything resembling love that came about exclusively through the exchange of money cannot be love. If a man tried to win a woman solely by giving her cash, and never once tried to pursue her heart, he would be utterly despised.

So why do I talk about all of this in a blog that's ostensibly written as Song of Solomon for singles? 

Because this kind of true love is the goal of every romantic relationship. Often people are not conscious of it in exactly this way, and wouldn't articulate it this way if they were asked. Yet this is what we are wired for; this is what our romantic desires always aspire to. 

So wherever you are in life, whether single or dating or married, aspire to this kind of love!

Above all, once you're made your marriage vows, pursue this kind of love until your dying breath. 

Love is not a cheap. If you pursue love, you should know what you're aspiring to. If you promise someone love, and do no deliver the kind of love desired by Solomon's bride, you will shatter someone's heart. 

To be clear, I don't mean that you can summon this kind of love simply by willing it to be. This love is the love of God; if you want it, ask Him for it. Ask God to form this love in you, to shape you into the kind of person who can pursue this kind of love, who can give it and enjoy it. 

And if you want to know the definition of true love, you have only to look at the One who laid down His life to save his bride, who loved her so much even in her imperfections that He gladly endured the Cross so that she would never have to suffer it. That, my friends, is what true love is, and its flames cannot be quenched!

SoS 8:5 Deepening Love

We're almost finished with the amazing Song of Solomon! In this post, likely the 3rd from the last, we see Solomon and his bride relaxing in their love, as a couple who has been married for years and bear a love all the deeper because of it. Let's dive in.

[Friends]
[5] Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?
[Her]
Under the apple tree I awakened you.
There your mother was in labor with you;
there she who bore you was in labor.
(Song of Solomon 8:5 ESV)

In this verse, the couple is likely coming back from their time in the wilderness and their friends are remarking on it. Their words are almost identical to the words used in 3:6, which described the grandeur of their wedding day, when Solomon approached her in splendor, with a great parade to show his affection for her. 

Here, they have been wed for a long time and have spent quality time away from the world, focusing on their love for each other. They are walking back to Jerusalem slowly, leisurely, with her leaning on the arm of her beloved husband. 

It may not be as grand as chapter 3, but their love here is stronger, deeper, and even more beautiful. As much as they were in love on their wedding day, here their love is even more visible, as they are content and delighted with each other, long after their wedding.

The second part of this verse has given interpreters problems for millennia. 

"Under the apple tree I awakened you." It is hard to know for certain whether she means she woke her beloved up from sleep, or woke him to love. Given the nature of this book, it's most likely that she means love; most likely, this apple tree was where she and Solomon first began to fall in love.

This is a special tree to their family; it signified love. Solomon's mother, Bathsheba, was in labor with Solomon under this tree. It's even possible that this is the very tree where David and Bathsheba conceived Solomon.

Nowadays, we might be kind of grossed out by that thought; most kids don't want to know anything about their parent's intimacy. Yet this Hebrew culture was far more family-oriented than we are, today.

Back then, family was everything. The land you were born, lived, and died on was the same land your father was born, lived, and died on, as well as his father, and his father before him, and his father before him. If for some reason you didn't live on the land your family had owned for generations, it was often because of a terrible, painful cause. 

It would be a delightful blessing to bring love full circle in the family, for this woman to awaken Solomon to love under the very same tree where he had been brought forth in love. 

So what does this passage mean for us, today? This passage is a bit obscure, but it still has much to teach us. 

For starters, it shows us how beautifully deep love should become over time. Our culture sometimes emphasizes the passionate lust of early romance, but mocks long-standing relationships. Look at any couple in love on TV, and odds are that they are young. Older couples, if they're married, are often depicted as far less affectionate towards each other than any young couple nearby.

There is very little about older couples continually growing deeper in their love for each other. This is a tragedy; we're depriving ourselves of images of true, deep love, and programming ourselves to expect love to be the purview of the young.

Love should grow deeper as a couple grows older. A couple on their 30th anniversary should never desire to repeat their 5th anniversary, as they have hopefully learned to love each other a lot better in those 25 years, and should be much deeper in love with each other than they were as younguns.

Or perhaps I can say it this way.

The wedding day is often spoken of as the best day of a person's life. It shouldn't be. 

It should definitely be one of the best days of a person's life up to that point (second only to the day a person decided to follow Jesus, hopefully). 

But as the years go on, if a couple looks back wistfully to their wedding and feels that those early days were filled with more love than their current days, something has gone wrong. 

One way that a couple can try to make sure their love deepens is to embody the beauty of the second half of verse 5. Get your family involved.

Now, it's true that some of us don't have great families to look up to. Many are the children of divorce, or of cold marriages that haven't ended. If this is you, look around for couples who have spent several decades together and are still joyfully in love, in such a way that it's obvious to those on the outside. Look for those with white hair who still hold each other's hands in public and still gaze at each other romantically. These are the heroes of love!

Find these couples in church, in your extended family, among your friends. Then ask them how they did it, how they managed to make their love grow deeper over their lifetimes. 

You'll find lots of practical advice from these couples. I cannot urge you enough to seek their advice!

One thing that you will find in common from every one of these couples is that their love didn't just happen. They didn't win the cosmic lottery of love, while every other marriage had no choice but to suffer. 

Rather, they worked for their love. Love that deepens requires time and effort. This takes many forms; Solomon and his bride demonstrated one by going away to the country together, focusing on their love for each other. 

Here I'll let Tim Keller speak from his experience and wisdom, from his book The Meaning of Marriage: 

“Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love.” 

This is wise, but also a bit vague. Fortunately, he elaborates:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

If you want specific pointers on how exactly to love each other in these ways, look to how Christ loves the church. After all, marriage is meant to be a parable to the world, a picture of how Jesus loves us. Look at what He does, how He loves. He forgives every time, no matter how grievous the sin; He pursues us passionately, never tiring in His love for us; He always delights to spend time with us; He enjoys sharing the beautiful things of this world with us; He protects us; He provides for us; He rejoices over us with singing; He cherishes us so much that He would gladly lay down His life for us. If you want to learn how to love, look to Jesus!

Love is a process. It begins beautifully; young love is idolized for a reason. Then it grows and deepens and strengthens and develops; if a couple is faithful to each other and keeps acting in love toward each other, the years will see their love grow steadily more beautiful and enjoyable.

Hopefully, if you do it right, your love will inspire your children, and they will seek your advice on how to deepen the love of their marriages. 

SoS 8:1-4 Yearning For Your Beloved

After a long Christmas / New Years break, we're back to finish up this wonderful book, the Song of Songs, which is Solomon's. Most of the major action of the poem has taken place; we've met Solomon and his bride, we've seen how he won her heart in his courtship, we saw their marriage, we watched as she dealt with fear, we saw them have a big conflict and resolve it, and we saw them simply enjoy loving each other. 

Now we're at the end, and this last chapter will teach us a few more lessons about love that the couple has learned in their life together.

[8:1] Oh that you were like a brother to me
who nursed at my mother's breasts!
If I found you outside, I would kiss you,
and none would despise me.
[2] I would lead you and bring you
into the house of my mother—
she who used to teach me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
the juice of my pomegranate.
[3] His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
[4] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.
(Song of Solomon 8:1-4 ESV)

To begin with, verse 1 sounds really strange to American ears. Why on earth would she want her husband to be her brother?!

The answer is pretty simple if we take a look at history. In ancient Israelite culture, public displays of affection between married couples were frowned upon; they were expected to keep that stuff indoors and private. But kids are kids, and it was perfectly acceptable for a little girl to affectionately kiss her brother. Solomon's wife wishes that they had the same freedom children enjoy, so that she could kiss him in public, whenever she wanted, and no one would frown at her. 

In other words, this woman finds herself longing for her husband throughout the day, wishing she could run up to him and kiss him in broad daylight, whenever she wanted. This is immensely beautiful, and it's what married life should be like! Don't believe the skeptical sitcoms that depict romance and fun dying once a couple is married (or when they have kids). 

When done rightly, spouses should yearn for each other throughout the day, increasing even until they're old and wrinkled together.

But how can this be done? Just wait; we'll get there.

First, let's deal with verse 2. The thought of kissing him leads her to thoughts of a full physical experience with her beloved husband. I don't want to be sketchy, so let me just say briefly that verses 2 and 3 depict what she's envisioning with her husband.

She's mentioned this kind of thing before, and as before, she again tells her single female friends in verse 4 that as amazing as this is, they shouldn't attempt to replicate the experience of physical intimacy outside of marriage, because it can't be replicated outside of marriage. We should want to enjoy it fully, and for that, we need to wait for marriage itself! 

The Hebrew is phrased more literally as "Why stir up or awaken love until it pleases?" The meaning is the same, but I like this phrasing better, because it emphasizes that if you awaken love before marriage, you'll be missing out.

The common cultural argument to have sex whenever you like is that you'll miss out if you don't. Young people often feel like they're missing out, and this pressure leads them to have sex as quickly as possible. Contrarily, Solomon's wife here says that if you try to have sex before appropriate in marriage, you are missing out, because you will never know sex as great as this!

Lust is cheap. Contrary to the message of a sex-charged world, true sexual desire is built on a deep and thorough knowledge of each other. It stems from faithful commitment to each other over time, as you learn to love each other better year after year. Solomon's wife is saying here that bumping bodies with a stranger will never yield the kind of immense pleasure that she feels when she yearns for her husband and enjoys him.

So now that we've dealt with that, let's return to our question from before. How can a married couple experience this kind of longing for each other throughout all of their years?

It begins with following her advice in verse 4. If you have many sexual partners before your spouse, your spouse simply won't be as special to you. But if you wait and save sex only for marriage, your spouse will be the most special person in your entire life; they alone will share this most intimate experience with you. 

In other words, maximizing your desire for your spouse begins while you're single. Don't sleep with other people, and if you are, stop. Don't worry about past mistakes; God can and will redeem and cleanse you from them. Focus instead on the present and the future, on reserving physical intimacy with the person you become one with. If you do, you will long for them in a way that you will never long for anyone else!

As important as this part of the puzzle is, it isn't the entirety. Solomon's bride longs for her husband in a deep, holistic way. This isn't a crush she felt when she saw him in math class. The instant attraction you might feel toward someone you just met, or the emotional high you feel right at the start of a relationship, is different from what she's feeling. Those thrills are good; it's beautiful to be excited about getting to know someone, to be excited about a relationship. 

But as great as those are feelings are, they are the foothills. Solomon's wife is dancing on the mountaintops!

Her desire here is deep. They know each other fully and have a deep, solid relationship. Her yearning is based on knowing and loving him, and him knowing and loving her. This takes time to build, since it clearly takes time to get to know someone. This is partly why a couple's yearning for each other should increase over time; a newlywed couple doesn't know each other nearly as well as a couple with 20 years together does.

Still, this takes more than knowledge. It also takes repentance.

Some will be skeptical about finding yearning for each other in getting to know each other better. Our culture is filled with men who are pigs, women who are shallow, and couples who are so selfish that they drive each other away. So what about the fear that knowing each other will push you apart, instead of closer?

That's why we need repentance. Couples will sin against each other, and need to repent whenever they do. Married life will also point out weak spots in the lives of husband and wife, areas where they will both need to grow and change. This isn't a bad thing; it's part of God's design to use marriage to help sanctify the couple, making them more like God as they learn to love each other better.

Imagine the opposite. If a person is selfish and refuses to change, this kind of yearning can't be built. If you won't stop sinning against your beloved, no matter how much they ask, they won't feel cherished, and you won't build intimacy. If you discover an area of life in which you need to change to mesh well with each other and you refuse to change, you won't grow closer together.

If you want to yearn for each other, you must repent whenever you sin. This is absolutely necessary.

When they sin against you, you must forgive - fully. No one is perfect. Everyone you meet has more sin in their life than you expect. So if you are not able to forgive, you will also never arrive at this place.

So let's apply this to single people and dating couples. Singles, I charge you to practice forgiveness and repentance now. Focus on them. Master them. Then, when you are in a relationship, this kind of intimacy and yearning for each other will almost build itself.