Song of Solomon 1:9-11: Jewelry and War Horses

[HE]

[9] I compare you, my love,
to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.
[10] Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,
your neck with strings of jewels.


[OTHERS]
[11] We will make for you ornaments of gold,
studded with silver.


(Song of Solomon 1:9-11 ESV)

After this playful, flirtatious exchange in verses 7-8, Solomon praises the beauty of his bride: "I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharoah's chariots."

Note that Solomon and his bride have a number of pet names for each other: my love, my beloved, most beautiful among women, etc.  As should surprise no one, pet names are greatly enjoyable for couples, and are vitally important for building a communal identity, for becoming one.  These nick-names need to be shared between only each other; if a man calls every beautiful woman "my love," his wife sure isn't going to feel anything special from it.  But if she's the only woman in the world whom he calls "my love" and "my beauty," she is going to delight in those words.  Likewise, if a woman calls her husband "my beloved," a title that no one else receives, that man is going to treasure her words.  They will empower him and fill his spirit!

In a related note, how amazing is it that God has a unique name for each of us, a name that only He knows (Rev 2:17)?  He will tell it to us at the end of this world and the beginning of the next.  It will show us how much He loves us; a unique name for each of His children.  We are not lost in a crowd; we are loved individually, personally, fully, beautifully!

He compares his love to mare among Pharoah's chariots.  Pharoah's chariots were pulled by strong horses, the best of the nation.  They were usually all males, as befit a war horse.  So when a mare, a female horse, walks among them, each stallion perks up and tries to impress her.  (This point is said wonderfully by Driscoll in his sermon on this chapter).  Solomon is saying that his woman is the kind of woman that, when she walks into a room, all the heads turn.  If she were single, all the men would be trying to impress her.  She is the center of attention; she is beautiful, exciting, a treasure worth fighting for!  This is a tremendous compliment to the woman; she is so beautiful that she draws every eye after her.  This would excite her, compliment her, elevate her, highly esteem her.

And this similarly excites the man.  Every man wants to be with that woman.  He feels like a true man if the woman on his arm is so captivating that people can not help but stare after her.  This is why every man is drawn to these women; they recognize that she is a treasure above all the rest.  The man whom she chooses, who she gives her heart to, is immensely blessed.  

Add to this what we've already learned about this woman: she does not fit the cultural standard of beauty.  She's dark, when "beauty" was considered to be light skin.  She has a long neck, something others would consider a flaw.  Yet to Solomon, she is perfect.  Solomon treats her as if she is the most beautiful woman on the planet, because to him, she is!  And because she feels this way when she's around him, she naturally carries the confidence of a woman who knows she is beautiful.  Thus, when men see her enter the room, even if she doesn't look like the covers of their magazines, they still see her confidence, they see how glad Solomon is to have her on his arm, and they recognize that there is a lot of beauty, there.  

In verse 10, Solomon praises her for how beautiful she is while wearing jewelry: "Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels."  It is perfectly natural and right for a woman to adorn herself with jewels, especially to please her husband.  This is right and good in the eyes of the LORD, and it delights the heart of a man when his woman dresses up for him!  When a woman makes an effort to look beautiful, her man appreciates it.  I'm not saying she has to spend all of her time in a spa, and there is certainly nothing wrong with wearing sweats around the house.  But if a woman only wears sweats around the house, and only dresses up when they're going out, the man kind of feels neglected.  It sends the message that he's not important enough to dress up for, but their friends and family are.  The woman who realizes this and dresses up when only her husband will see her -- this woman will delight the heart of her man!

It is thus natural and good for men to give women jewelry, and for women to enjoy wearing it.  This has been wired into us by our Creator, for our enjoyment and His glory!   

It needs to be mentioned how 1 Peter 3:3 in the New Testament commands woman not to let their adornment be from braided hair and jewelry.  This goes hand-in-hand with this passage in Song of Solomon.  Peter is not saying that it's always wrong to wear jewelry; far from it!  This passage disproves that entirely.  What Peter is saying is that a woman's beauty should not come primarily from these outward trappings.  Plenty of women appear beautiful due to their skin, their make-up, their jewelry, their clothing.  This attracts attention.  But then you dig down beneath the surface and realize that this woman is selfish, arrogant, demanding, nit-picky, catty, and vicious.  That woman is not beautiful, no matter how she appears on the surface.  

Contrarily, consider a woman like Solomon's bride.  She is beautiful on the inside; her character is excellent, her delight is pure and genuine, she seeks to please and honor her man as much as he seeks to please and honor her.  They love and respect each other; they're not using each other.  They both love God.  They have solid webs of friends supporting them, because they are fun, enjoyable, giving people.  When you take a woman like this, a woman whose beauty shines from her inner spirit, and deck her out in jewelry, she is beautiful from the inside out.  This is the only kind of true beauty available in the world.  These days, anyone can look beautiful on the outside, what with plastic surgery, make-up, dieting, etc.  Yet very few are cultivating this inner spirit, this quiet heart before God, that makes a woman so beautiful.  

(Important clarification: this "quiet spirit" does not mean a woman doesn't talk and sits back as a meek, lesser creature.  Just read the Song of Solomon!  The woman is speaking for the majority of this book!  She initiates a lot of this action, and it delights her man!  And this is included in Scripture as being praiseworthy!  A quiet spirit rather means that she isn't the center of her world.  God is her center, and she seeks to serve, rather than demanding that she be served.  This is the attitude that every Christian, both men and women, should have.  It is, after all, the attitude Jesus Himself had when He came to earth.)

In short, jewelry is icing on the cake.  If the cake beneath is delicious, then it works together beautifully and is highly enjoyable.  If the cake is disgusting, then no matter how good the frosting looks, it's still repulsive.  All you can do is kind of scrape off the icing and just try to enjoy that without going too deep, enjoying how the woman looks and trying to ignore who she is, underneath.  That kind of enjoyment does not last long, and it's likely part of the reason why our culture is so big on one-night hookups; that way you get to enjoy the frosting, without having to deal with the person underneath.  That may feel good for a moment on the weekend, but during the week, when you're lonely, it brings little consolation.

And then in verse 11, the group of friends addresses the woman: "We will make for you ornaments of gold, studded with silver."  They see how much her man enjoys the look of her in jewelry, so they make more for her.  They not only celebrate the love of their friends, but they actively contribute to it, creating new jewelry for them to enjoy together!  

These are absolutely amazing friends, if you ask me.  They have the same attitude as the woman, seeking not to be served, but to serve.  The woman has already crafted her beauty in her character and personality; the friends are now enjoying the chance to participate in their friend's beauty, to add a lovely piece of gold and silver that reflects the beauty she already has within.  Friends like this are priceless!  

So single people: seek to be these friends!  Participate in the romance of your friends.  Don't be an annoying third wheel who always gets in the way, but rather seek to accentuate their relationship.  See what designs you can craft on the icing of their cake!  Ladies, give a gift of jewelry to a female friend who's in a relationship, or help her shop for a new outfit, or give some nice make-up.  Whatever you do, make sure that your friend knows why you're giving it!  Guys, give a bottle of cologne to a guy friend who's dating a lady, or help him plan out an elaborate date, or offer to be his go-to guy if he needs help in a pinch.  If your friends are married and have kids, offer to watch their kids for free for an evening so mom and dad can go out together.  There's an endless stream of thoughtful things that single people can do to bless their friends in relationships!

Not only does this bless your friends in their relationship, but it's also one of the best ways I know of to avoid becoming bitter over not having a relationship, yourself.  It's kind of the same effect that you have when you watch a romantic comedy and find yourself rooting for the characters.  You're invested in them, you know their story, you're participating emotionally, so it's almost like their story becomes part of your story.  So if you enjoy watching movies where couples in love get together, why not actively participate in the relationships of your friends, and receive an even bigger joy?

Caution: if your friends ever tell you you're being involved in their relationship a little too much, back away slightly.  Don't bow out fully, and try not to take offense; after all, the goal here is to help them, not use them to help yourself.  But graciously, God has designed us such that when we help our friends, it benefits us, as well.  So be creative, and find ways that you can bless your friends in a relationship.  I guarantee you, it's far better than moping at home, alone!

Song of Solomon Interlude One: Chemistry and Romance

After studying SoS 1:7-8, where the happy couple flirts like mad, I thought it would be helpful to discuss how those who are not married can still build chemistry safely in relationships.  I wish I could just say that this was a normal thing everybody learns, but sadly we can’t assume that, anymore.  For one thing, our culture is saturated with horribly wrong examples of chemistry, such that if you learn romance from movies and TV shows, you’ll end up with all kinds of trouble.

In my own life, this was something I was clueless about all through high school.  I had no sister, no close female friends, and no one who taught me how to attract women.  As such, my few attempts to ask a girl out failed miserably.  In college, when I finally did begin dating, I had no idea what I was doing and messed up my first relationship so badly that it ended after only 9 days.  Tragically, I know I’m not alone in all of this.

So because there is a need, I offer you what I have learned in this area.  Song of Solomon is full of examples of these kinds of things; we’ll see them frequently as we continue the study.  But for now, I’ll pull them out and list them in bullet-points, to make it easier to deal with them all at once.

For starters, it’s helpful to orient our discussion around the Five Love Languages.  If you haven’t read the book, do it: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  
To summarize the book, there are basically five different ways that people give and express love: physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation.  People can vary widely as to which languages they prefer to give and receive.  These languages are present strongly in the Song of Solomon; I will keep pointing them out as we continue studying this amazing book.  Solomon and his bride speak these languages extremely well; they have much to teach us!

One of the keys to any romantic relationship is to know which love languages you speak, and which your partner speaks.  Then, speak those languages!  This goes for the committed relationships of marriage and engaged couples, as well as for those who are merely dating.  

So let’s discuss these love languages, and how we can casually yet enjoyably speak them in dating:


Physical Touch
General Guidelines:
- Outside of marriage, be absolutely non-sexual.  In other words, avoid doing 90% of the things you see done in Hollywood movies, or in romance on TV shows.  As a general rule of thumb, you should not be touching anything that clothes normally cover.  Capiche?
- The goal is to make the other person feel special, to create a bond, not to make them feel uncomfortable or used.  
- Err on the side of caution.  Instead of figuring out how much you can get away with, save as much as you can for marriage itself.  You’ll be denying yourself a little bit of pleasure now, but you’ll be ensuring that you’ll be able to enjoy a lot more later on, and without so much emotional baggage to worry about.  Few things leave deeper scars in failed relationships than going too far, physically, and the emotional abuse that usually happens to get there, or that follows.  
- If physical touch matters to your partner, but not to you, go along with it anyway.  Even if it doesn’t create sparks for you, it is for them, and they will be immensely grateful for your willingness to speak their language.

Specific Ideas:
- Look into each other’s eyes as you talk.  I know, this isn’t exactly “touch,” but it is a physical aspect, and it does build a connection.  In a day and age when face-to-face communication isn’t as dominant as it once was, it needs to be said: look into each other’s eyes, don’t look all over the place!  Looking around while you talk, instead of looking in the eyes, creates the impression that you’re not secure about yourself, that you’re not interested in the other person, or that they intimidate you, none of which help build a connection!
- Give innocent, light touches.  Guys, gently touch her back as you lead her through a doorway.  Lightly touch an arm or shoulder as you make a point in conversation.  If you find you agree on something in conversation, high-five!  
- At the end of a date, give a light, casual hug.  It’s best if these are side-hugs, or very short.  
- Hold hands.  This one is kind of obvious, but still: do it.  (Caution: trying this before you’re an official “couple” miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight work, but usually it will only makes this awkward, and will leave one or both of you wondering which stage the relationship is actually at.)
- Cuddling together can work, but only if you keep things “G” rated.  If you’re finding it hard to do so, best to skip it all together, and save it for later.


Gift Giving/Receiving
General Guidelines:
- Giving gifts shows the other person that you were thinking of them, which naturally builds chemistry.
- Don’t give what you want to receive.  Give what they want to receive, even if it might seem silly to you.
- At the start of a relationship, don’t give anything expensive.  Doing so can make things awkward, since you don’t really know each other yet, and it can make the other person feel like you are trying to get something from them by spending so much money on them.
- If you receive a gift you don’t particularly want, still be very appreciative for it, for the fact that they were thinking of you.  
- A “practical” gift is not the same thing as a “thoughtful” gift.  Unless the person you’re dealing with is very practical, don’t give things like power tools and car maintenance kits, and expect it to be romantic.  Instead, give thoughtful gifts, things that are tailored to their specific likes and desires.  

Specific Ideas:
- Give candy.  Not necessary a box of expensive chocolates, but if you know she likes Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, buy two a wrap them up!  For someone who loves receiving gifts, it can be a lot of fun to unwrap even something as little as this.  And when she sees that you bought her favorite candy, you get bonus points for thoughtfulness!  (Note: if she’s diabetic, this might not work so well).
- Tailor your gifts to events in their life.  If they just completed a tough academic time, give them a victory package of goodies!  If they just got a pet cat, give them a little kitty toy (or a bottle of ointment for claw scratches)!  You get the idea.  The more thoughtful the gift, the better!
- If they’ve been talking about something recently, like how they’d like to read a new book or wondering whether a band’s new CD will be any good, take the hint and buy them this as a gift.  (Pro tip: keep the receipt, just in case.  Given that dating is less committed than marriage, you might not be the only one who wants to give this as a gift, and the person might also have bought it themselves without telling you.  Don’t worry if this happens and you have to return your copy; most likely, they’ll be very touched that you paid attention and took the effort.  That’s still a win!)
- As the relationship progresses, jewelry is an appropriate gift to give.  It’s a little weird to drop this kind of cash right at the start, but if you want to commemorate a three-month anniversary, a little bit of jewelry can go a long way!  
- Give gifts that commemorate special events you two have shared as a couple.  
- Flowers are a big hit with girls.  They shouldn’t be given only as apologies, as they are in many shows; rather, give them just to show that you like her, that you were thinking of her, that their beauty reminded you of her.  
- Girls, this may come as a shock, but guys like games.  Sports, video games, board games, and on and on; it’s different with each guy.  Figure out what games he likes, then give gifts along those lines: tickets to a game, a new expansion to his favorite board game, a video game that’s safe for you both to enjoy together, etc.  


Words of Affirmation
General Guidelines
- At the core, this is about building each other up with your words, building connections between you with your words, and showing that you’re safe with each other by building up trust.
- Praise specific things; do not be vague in your praise!
- Make special effort to compliment those things that your partner feels are their flaws.
- It’s called “encouragement” for a reason; our words have the power to build courage in others.  Use this power to build your partner up!
- Try to avoid criticism; your partner wants to see that you care for them and respect them, not that you’re trying to audition for the role of personal life coach.  If you do criticize, give three sincere, well thought-out compliments for every derogatory thing you say.
- Words have a tremendous amount of power, even if all you’re doing is choosing not to use them.  Use this power to strengthen your relationship, not tear it down.

Specific Ideas:
- Guys, continually tell women how beautiful they are.  There are a few cautions that go with this, as we’ve already explored in Song of Solomon 1, but generally, women can’t hear this enough.  If your date has gone to special effort to look nice for a particular event, make sure to compliment her!
- Compliment things that they have control over.  For example, it’s okay to compliment someone’s eyes, but they didn’t really do anything to get those eyes.  It’s not a terribly personal compliment.  Instead, if it’s obvious that they put a lot of work into their hair, tell them how good it looks!  Guys, if you have enough fashion sense to recognize how much effort a woman put into her outfit for the evening, compliment her on how well it all works together!
- This dove-tails off of what was said in in the Physical Touch section, but to guys, especially: don’t compliment anything normally covered by clothes.  That will get you to Awkward City in a flash.  In a dating relationship, your thoughts shouldn’t be straying there, anyway!
- Girls, compliment a man on his accomplishments.  Show him that you respect him.  Guys love to be praised for battles they’ve just won, whether they be in sports, academics, work, in personal relationships, even in video and board games!  
- If you love spending time together, tell them why.  Tell your partner what specifically attracts you to them.  
- When you see God working in their lives, or you see them doing something that instantly draws your attention to God, make sure to tell them!  It should be the greatest compliment ever for a Christians to hear how their life reminded you of God!


Acts of Service
General Guidelines
- Acts of service tell someone that you care for them more than you care about your own selfish desires.  You are sacrificing doing something that you want, in order to do something that they want.  This can therefore speak volumes about how much you value them!
- Never do an act of service for someone out of a begrudging, complaining attitude.  This will instantly remove any pleasantness from your act, making it a point of strife and contention in the relationship, rather than building it up.
- You won’t always feel like doing things for people.  This is when your acts send the loudest message, for better or worse; it will either shout that you value yourself over them as you don’t do the act, or it will shout that you value them so much that you will gladly serve them even when it sorely inconveniences you.
- There is often a fine line between someone doing an act of service for you, and you taking advantage of them.  Performing acts of service should never feel like slavery!  There should never be punishment of any kind threatened if an act isn’t done, there should be no emotional abuse given if an act isn’t done perfectly, acts of service should never become requirements to get other benefits of the relationship, etc.  A general guideline to avoid service abuse: the acts should be initiated by the person doing them, not the person who benefits from them.  The person receiving should be grateful, not demanding.
- If an act is done for you, be grateful, and show that gratitude each time!  If a person primarily gives love as acts of service, there are few things more deflating and disheartening than not being noticed or thanked for the acts that you do.  Be thankful, and say so repeatedly, even if the act was not done perfectly.

Specific Ideas:
- Cooking meals is always welcome.  It’s often said that the road a man’s heart leads through his stomach!
- If one or both of you have reached the stage in life where you’re living away from mom and dad (in a college dorm, an apartment, a house with other singles, etc.), doing acts to help others take care of their living space can be very welcome.  
- People have skills in different areas.  It’s very helpful to do things for them that they can’t do themselves.  If a person has no clue how to care for a car, help them out!  If they have no idea how to care for their computer, help them out!  Caution: never do this in a haughty manner, being arrogant of how much you know.  Do it generously, out of compassion and care, not out of a desire to make yourself look good.
- Regardless of whether or not a person prefers this love language normally, everyone appreciates this when they’re sick!  Cook some chicken-noodle soup for them, clean up the house if they’re stuck in bed, go shopping for medicine and food, take care of errands they can’t, etc.  
- If your partner is undergoing a busy or stressful time, help them out!  This can include a busy academic time, something big at work, a family crisis or emergency, etc.  Any time stress is on the rise, your help becomes more and more valuable.  Pro tip: if a person is stressed, asking them “what can I do?” can actually lead to more stress, as they have to time out to figure out what to let you do.  Instead, take a second to observe, and do what you see will be helpful.  
- Giving advice can be helpful, if done rightly.  Guys, if a girl starts talking to you about a problem she has, it’s likely that advice is the last thing she wants.  Instead, she wants you to give her your ear, for you to listen to her and empathize with her.  Often, this can be a better gift than any nugget of wisdom you could have dished out.


Quality Time
General Guidelines
- Quality time is mainly about just being together.  Clear your schedule, and if distractions come up, ignore them.  Make being together the top priority in your schedule, second only to your priority to spend time with God.
- Quality time is called “quality” for a reason.  Quality time should be well spent getting to know each other, and enjoying your time together.  Tailor what you do based on who you each are, and what you enjoy doing.  
- Staring at a screen does not usually count as “quality” time.  Movies and TV are nice, but you don’t get to know much about each while you sit passively and watch, without even talking to each other.
- Guys, quality time for a girl involves lots of words.  Be verbal.  Talk, even if you rarely talk otherwise!
- Girls, quality time for a guy often involves doing something together.  Come up with things you can actively do together, and be willing to do things you wouldn’t normally, like going to a ball game surrounded by cheering, sweaty people.  
- Girls, it can vastly improve quality time for a guy if you make a bit of an effort to look nice for your time together.  I’m not saying you have to be a fashion queen, but just make an effort. 
- This is key: in dating relationships, don't expect to dominate each other's time. Since you're not committed to each other in marriage, you still have separate lives to live. Don't always expect them to give up everything just to be with you; you're not at that stage, yet. Be patient. It can be a great sign of maturity to show that you are willing to be patient, that you trust them enough not to be with them constantly, and that you still have a life and identity outside of them. If you do demand to be with them constantly, you will likely smother them, and this just may push them away from you. 


Specific Ideas:

- Ask lots of questions of each other.  Ask lots of follow-up questions.  Avoid simple yes/no questions; ask deep questions.  Ask questions starting with who, what, where, when, why, and how.  Ask questions about them; ask about their opinions, their hopes and fears, their dreams, their goals, their favorite ____, their family and friends, their enemies, their biggest lessons, etc.  Point being: ASK!
- Prepare questions in advance, if you fear that your mind might blank while you’re with them.  Generally this only happens in the early stages of a relationship, before you really know each other.  If you are ever in a panic about what to ask, realize that this person has already lived a great number of years.  Ask them something specific about their past!  Also, since the walk with God is ongoing daily, ask them how their time with Jesus is going.  
- Go on walks together.  Rent a boat and sail around a lake.  Go hiking.  Sit on the shore and throw rocks across the water.  Enjoying nature together can provide lots to look at, while giving you plenty of uninterrupted time to talk with each other!
- Do ministry together.  Visit a soup kitchen to help serve the less fortunate.  Create care packages for soldiers.  Send gifts of food and medicine to those in need around the world.  Do some yard work for those in your church or community who can’t do it themselves.  Volunteer to serve in the nursery at church (Guys, babies might seem messy, but if a girl sees you caring well for babies, you can score a ton of brownie points!).
- Cook a meal together.  This can a lot cheaper, and a lot more fun, than simply going out all the time.  
- Play games together.  Board games, card games, even sports or video games can work.  As long as you both enjoy it and it’s bringing you together (instead of the competition pushing you apart), then go for it!
- Create art together.  Play with clay, paint a landscape, sketch with pencils, whatever!  It doesn’t matter if the results are particularly beautiful or not; what matters is that you both enjoyed the time together.





This list is far from exhaustive.  This is the work of one mind, based on what Song of Solomon has taught me, and what I’ve learned in the adventure of life.  I’m sure that you all have things to add to this list, so please do so in the comments!  Share your wisdom with all of us!

Song of Solomon 1:7-8: Holy Flirting

[She]
[7] Tell me, you whom my soul loves,

where you pasture your flock,
where you make it lie down at noon;
for why should I be like one who veils herself
beside the flocks of your companions?


[He]
[8] If you do not know,
O most beautiful among women,
follow in the tracks of the flock,
and pasture your young goats
beside the shepherds' tents.


(Song of Solomon 1:7-8 ESV)

I'll begin this post with a bit of autobiography.  These two verses in Song of Solomon talk of playful flirting between the man and his wife; it's fun, it's light, it's free, it's enjoyable.  Yet it wasn't anything like that for me, when I first read this verse.  You see, in my romantic pursuits, I've had more than my fair share of rejection.  I have often opened up my heart and tried to be playful and romantic, only to receive pain and rejection back.  (Much of this was due, by the way, to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.  No one had told me how to pursue a woman, so I was struggling blindly.  Until I realized God had already given me everything I needed to know here, in this glorious book!)

So when I first read these two verses, I was bitter.  I prayed to God for healing, that He would redeem and renew my heart, soothe away the wounds of the past, and enable me to be open and romantic in the future.  To His great glory, He answered that prayer, and I can now joyfully announce that my heart is free and open!

So if you are in a similar situation, where the scars of the past make passages like this difficult to read, let me assure you: God cares about your pain, and He is fully willing to heal it.  Even if people have always abused your trust, Jesus never will.  He is faithful and true, always.  Entrust your heart to Him, ask Him to heal and renew you.  Read His Word, read these words in Song of Solomon, as prayers; while you read them, ask God to heal you and enable you to enjoy this playfulness.  He is faithful and powerful; He will heal you.

And if you've never experienced rejection or the like, then I ask you to pray for God to protect your heart in your romantic endeavors, such that you never have to experience the kind of pain I've felt.  Yet if you ever do feel this pain, always know the One you can turn to for help!

There is a lot to learn in these two verses.  First, we need to realize that these verses are inherently playful and flirtatious between this married couple.  

From this, we can see that flirting is fun and recommended; it's not something inherently dirty.  Sometimes it seems as though our culture has taken flirting and made it inherently sexual, such that if you flirt, you must want to have sex immediately.  It can make it very awkward for two Christians to start flirting, if they have this understanding in the back of their minds, even if they're not conscious of it.  But the glorious message of these two verses is that flirting and chemistry are Godsends.  In committed romantic relationships, it is good to be playful, to enjoy this kind of light teasing.  It builds chemistry.  In other words, it's a gift from God.  Culture may have hijacked it and made it seem dirty, but it was given by God to be clean, fun, free, and enjoyable.  So as we study these verses, we'll be focusing on redeeming this concept, on cleaning away the filth and studying these verses to see what God intended for this to be!

So now let's dive into the verses word-by-word.

v7 - "Tell me, you whom my soul loves,"  I love this little pet-name that she has for Solomon.  "You whom my soul loves."  This is far deeper than a crush, far deeper than an emotional flutter in the stomach for someone.  She loves this man with her whole being, so she chooses a nickname for him that conveys the depths of her love.  This is a love from her soul, from the seat of her very identity.  All that she is, and all that feels, is wrapped up in loving her husband, and she communicates this frequently.  

"where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon;"  Here, they are using poetic imagery, play-acting, roleplaying.  Solomon isn't a literal shepherd, and neither is she.  He's king over the whole country, while she tended a vineyard (as she said in the previous verse), and after marriage, of course she moved into the palace.  Yet for this little bit of playfulness, they're pretending to take on these roles.

(Historical note: Some commentators take these verses literally, assuming that Song of Solomon is a romance between a shepherd boy and shepherd girl, but that ignores the weight of the evidence: Solomon himself is mentioned constantly throughout the book as the man of this romance, the woman just identified herself as a vineyard keeper, and these two verses are inherently playful and teasing in nature.  If they were going to speak poetically and role play, they would do it here, rather than everywhere else in the book!)  

"for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?"  In the Ancient Near East, shepherds would rest at noon, after a long morning of labor.  They would sit in shade for a meal.  Those of looser moral character might also make use of veiled women who would come for... well, prostitution.  

So she's asking, "Why should I be like a wayward woman, uncertain of who to love, uncertain of whom I'll be with?  Why should my heart wander?  Tell me where you pasture your flock, you whom my soul loves, so that I may come as a veiled companion only to you!"

v8 - She has initiated this playful time, so Solomon of course responds in kind: "If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents."

From the fact that Solomon responds just as playfully as she initiated, we can see that using these playful metaphors in romance is fun, enjoyable, exciting, and completely acceptable in marriage.  In other words: marriage should be fun, not dull!  

Single people, when you do have a relationship, lay the foundations of playfulness and fun early.  Being free and playful speaks greatly to your personal confidence; it says to your partner that life with you will be enjoyable and safe.  After all, if you are not safe with each other, it's impossible to be fun and free with each other.

And since this is 21st century America, I have to clarify: if the relationship isn't at the marriage stage yet, there can't be any hanky-panky going on in this playfulness.  It is quite possible to be playful in a non-sexual way, even though many TV shows and movies have you believing just the opposite.  Playfulness can include inside jokes, light teasing, innocent sarcasm, speaking in playful riddles (after all, that's what Solomon and his bride are doing here; no straight answers!), scavenger hunts with clues, etc.  

The key to proper playfulness is that both people in the relationship enjoy it equally.  If the guy is sarcastic but the girl takes offense at sarcasm, the guy should lay off the sarcasm around her.  Find another way to be playful; there are more than you can imagine.  Playfulness is intended to draw you two together in joyful pleasure, not push one person away from offense!

(For more on proper playfulness as dating couples and engaged couples, see the end of the post).

Also note how skillfully Solomon weaves compliments of her beauty into their flirting, their playfulness.  In the middle of his winding answer, he calls her "O most beautiful among women."  Note that his compliment is genuine, even though the answer is teasing; guys, make sure your compliments don't sound like jokes.  That could have precisely the opposite effect than what you intend.  But if you can do it well, if you can weave these kind of compliments into your playfulness, it can be like crack to a woman.  It's pretty fun for the guy, too.

Solomon's answer to her is winding, filled with clues but no set answer: "follow in the tracks of the flock," which could simply mean that he's leaving clues for her to follow.  "and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents."  I could be wrong, but it seems to me that Solomon is here reversing the playful imagery.  Now she's a shepherdess, leading around a flock of goats, and Solomon is telling her to pasture them in a certain area.  She started out chasing him, like a veiled companion chases a shepherd, but now he's saying she's the shepherdess, and he'll be the one chasing her.  She'll wait in the open, where he says, and he'll find her.  Or Solomon could simply be using "pasture your young goats" as a euphemism.  I don't know which.  Most commentators don't know which.  So we'll just leave that one be, shall we?

Regardless, it's plain that Solomon wants to be together with her, and he's giving her a playful answer on where to find him.  They're having a lot of fun with this!

Notice also that it's the woman who intiates this time of playfulness.  Men, you should initiate plenty of things in a relationship.  You should put on your man pants and summon the courage to ask the girl out.  You should plan out some great dates.  You could even throw a surprise party for her on her birthday.  Let your mind go wild with the possibilies!

Still, women, you shouldn't let him be the only one to initiate everything.  The Bible definitely talks of the man as the head of the house (more on this controversial idea later), but notice that here Scripture is recording a glorious, holy, fun time in marriage when the woman is initiating.  She initiates, and Solomon loves it.  Most guys will love it, too.  Plan out a date or an event, surprise him, initiate playful times with him.  

And again, if you're not married, this cannot get sexual in any way.  Doing so without the commitment of marriage often serves only to remove all fun and playfulness, and instead make things really awkward, as well as often doing lasting emotional damage.  I said it earlier, but to say it here again: these two are so free with each other because they feel safe with each other.  They are committed to each other.  They aren't taking advantage of each other or using each other selfishly, which is almost always the case when sex is had outside of marriage.  These verses aren't just about having fun with a hot girl.  Rather, it's about a husband enjoying playful intimacy with his wife, with the woman that he knows intimately, with the woman he has committed himself to, with the woman he delights in, with the woman he wants to be with above all other women.  It simply isn't possible to enjoy this kind of playfulness outside of a committed relationship, and it's absolutely impossible to enjoy this kind of sexual playfulness that Solomon and his wife enjoy outside of a committed marriage.  So my advice: don't even try.  While you're dating or engaged, stick with the completely safe kinds of playfulness.  Then, when you finally are married, feel free to make up for lost time!

At this point, I was going to talk more about proper playfulness, flirting, chemistry, etc., in dating and engaged couples.  But then I realized this post is already fairly long.  So instead, my next post will be devoted to discussing this topic, using plenty of illustration from the Song of Solomon.  It'll be a fun one.  Stay tuned!

Song of Solomon 1:5-6: Self-Confident Beauty Vs. Self-Pitying Sadness

[4][Others]

We will exult and rejoice in you;

we will extol your love more than wine;

rightly do they love you.

[She]

[5] I am very dark, but lovely,

O daughters of Jerusalem,

like the tents of Kedar,

like the curtains of Solomon.

[6] Do not gaze at me because I am dark,

because the sun has looked upon me.

My mother's sons were angry with me;

they made me keeper of the vineyards,

but my own vineyard I have not kept!

(Song of Solomon 1:5-6 ESV)

v5 - She is dark, but lovely.  Dark - the standards of beauty back then claimed that tanned women were less than perfect, while the most beautiful women were pale.  Rich women didn't have to work in the fields, and could stay in doors all day, avoiding the sun.  Only poor women had to be in the fields.  

Yet she says she is lovely.  She has confidence in herself, in her unique kind of beauty, because of what follows in verse 8: her beloved regularly calls her "most beautiful among women."  Guys, you need to know: most women are insecure about their appearance in some way.  Yet when the people in a woman's life keep telling her that she is beautiful, she will gain confidence that she is, indeed, beautiful.  In this case, her beloved Solomon, the man she knows and trusts, keeps praising her for her beauty, and her heart fills with confidence that he truly does see her as the "most beautiful among women."  

Note that not everyone can say this.  If a random guy on the street calls out to a woman and says "Hey, beautiful," it can be creepy.  That man probably has selfish, dark motives in mind, rather than the love and compassion of a beloved spouse.  There has to be some level of knowledge and trust before a woman sees this as a compliment, and not a questionable act of manipulation.  (At times these requirements are lowered, such as when a woman is in a club specifically to hook up, and prefers that her potential bed-mate not know much about her, or her about him.  But this isn't exactly what we're talking about, here).  

This woman takes immense courage and confidence from her beloved's praising of her beauty.  His words give her life and strengthen their bond.  In quick hook-up settings, compliments can have a limited version of this effect, but it is nothing lasting.  It's a shot of Red Bull instead of a nourishing meal: a quick burst of feeling, but it fades quickly, and can't last.  Women, please do not be taken in by these cheap compliments, by words that are intended to get something from you, instead of give something to you!

Romance without knowledge is manipulation.  Guys who cultivate romantic feelings in girls, without first getting to know the girl, are almost always seeking some selfish thing: a one-night stand, another notch in the bed post, etc.  The girl can feel great to be complimented and pursued, but once he gets what he wants, she is left with little but pain and regret.  

Notice also that there is a sharp difference between chemistry and the kind of manipulation I mentioned above.  Chemistry is a necessary part of getting to know someone romantically; romance is hardly possible without it!  Yet notice that in order for your heart to be in the necessary condition to feel chemistry, you have to feel safe with the person who is flirting with you.  Chemistry is well and good, given that it is a delight felt by both people as they're getting to know each other.  

Chemistry becomes manipulation when it's done without much knowledge, or with a selfish ulterior motive.  Consider a man who meets a girl and instantly begins flirting and pouring on the chemistry.  He knows nothing of her, except that he is attracted to her outward appearance.  She knows nothing of him, except his outward appearance and the fact that he wants to hook up.  In this situation, they won't experience love for each other; at best, they'll feel lust.  How can you love someone if you don't know who they are?  

For Christians who are seeking to meet someone, there has to be some level of getting to know each other before you start opening your heart up to each other.  Note that frequently in this book, Solomon calls his wife "my sister" and "my friend."  Single Christians should treat each other as brothers and sisters, as friends, as they initially get to know each other. Once you know enough about a person to realize this is a person you'd like to explore a relationship with, you can start ramping up the chemistry.

To put it another way: don't begin a Christian dating relationship with emotions, with chemistry, with selfish romance aiming to get something rather than servant romance aiming to give.  Relationships that begin with a burst of emotion can be insanely enjoyable -- until the elation wears off and you realize that you don't really know anything about the person you're with.  I know of one couple who began this way, but didn't really know each other.  In their pre-marital counseling, after they were already engaged, the pastoral counselor asked them a serious question.  Their views were so divergent that the man broke off the relationship, utterly shocked that his fiance could think that way.  She had always believed that way, yet he had never gotten to know her.  If he had started the relationship with questions rather than ramping up the chemistry as fast as possible, he could have saved them both a great deal of heartbreak.

In a different situation, there are many today who try to play the system, who try to take the pleasures of compliments and one-night stands, who try to get high on romantic, sexual feelings, while avoiding the consequences.  They intentionally avoid any commitment, so they're not disappointed by the person leaving in the morning.  For some, this works fairly well; they get their high, and they avoid the pain.  Yet this is a shadow pleasure.  It's a far cry from what this woman is experiencing with her beloved husband!  She doesn't merely get a physical experience.  He knows her, and she knows him.  They know each other's strengths, as well as their weaknesses.  They know, and they still love each other.  She sees what could be an imperfection in her: her dark skin.  No one wanted dark skin in that age.  Yet he praises her for it.  He doesn't say that she's just a 7 out of 10, good enough for a weekend hook-up, but nothing else.  He calls her the most beautiful among women, and he calls her this consistently.  She doesn't have to fear being rejected for her imperfections.  She knows that she always has a man by her side who knows her, who loves her, and who isn't driven away by her supposed flaws.  Instead, he cherishes her for her unique beauty; she is perfect to him.  Compliments that flow from that kind of connection nourish and strengthen the soul!

And after that very long discussion, now we get back to verse 5!

"O daughters of Jerusalem" - she has a group of women around her, like every woman.  These are probably the same as the chorus of the "others," who speak in verse 4, as well as the virgins she mentions in verse 3 (ESV footnotes).  No one is an island.

Also, take note: these others include virgins.  These virgins celebrate the happiness of their married friend -- they don't pity themselves and pretend to be happy for her.  The temptation to throw a pity party for yourself is huge when everyone else is finding a spouse and you're not.  Yet look at these friends.  They celebrate their friend's happiness, which makes them exult and rejoice out loud.  They are made happy by celebrating their friend!  As Scripture tells us elsewhere, rejoice with those who rejoice!  Don't believe the lies of the enemy that tell you to pity yourself unless you get exactly what you want.  God has provided opportunities for you to be happy, even while single -- rejoice with your married friends in their love!  It's the opposite of what we feel like doing, often, but God knows what He's doing.  Choose to follow this path, and you will be happier than you are now.  

Additionally, speaking as a man, it is one of the least attractive things ever to see a woman pity herself for her singleness.  I don't mean to be heartless and attack a woman who's feeling bad; on the contrary, if you're throwing yourself a pity party because of your singleness, I want to give you hope and joy!  But to do so, we have to explore why pity parties are so damaging, why they're so unattractive -- as well as why rejoicing singles are so attractive.

If there's a woman who is single who wants to be not single, yet she rejoices with her friends when they get hitched -- that's attractive.  This rejoicing woman -- she isn't completely caught up in herself.  She is focusing on others, rejoicing with them.  The pitying woman is selfish, only caring about herself, which can make things awkward and less enjoyable for everyone around her.  A single friend at a wedding who is shrouded in pity is a damp cloth on the festivities.  She's saying that it doesn't matter that these two people have found each other; all that matters is me, and I'm still unhappy, so I'm going to let everyone know how uphappy I am.  Women (and men), this is a time when your emotions lie to you.  Emotions will tell you to pity yourself, that you have a right to be unhappy, but that's the worst option possible for yourself and for those around you.  Fight pity, choose to rejoice with others, and everyone will be happier.  And yes, it is a choice; even if your emotions are filling you with self-pity, you can choose to rejoice, you can choose to smile, you can choose to delight in your friends' love, and soon your emotions will follow your decision.  After all, you have Jesus.  You already have a love greater than what any human can give to you.  That should enable you to rejoice at anytime.  If you put pity for singleness above joy for God, then you're an idolator; you love yourself more than Jesus.  That's the source of your sadness, not your singleness.  

In short: women and men who pity themselves are selfish, and this is unattractive because it tells others that they'll continue to be selfish even in a relationship.  Rather than focusing on others, rather than rejoicing with them, rather than cherishing God first in her heart, self-pitying people will continue to cherish themselves and their happiness first in their hearts, which will lead to no end of arguments, pain, loneliness, and bitterness in marriage.  Those who rejoice with others in their happiness, who can smile even in the darkest times because Jesus loves them, are supremely attractive, because their heart is in the right place.  A life spent with a person who has this others-focused heart will be a joy.  

Anyway, back to verse 5.  This woman is dark like the tents of Kedar, which were made of black goat-hair (ESV footnotes).  The curtains of Solomon were no doubt beautiful, but apparently also dark.  She doesn't want you to think that she's just slightly tanned; she's saying that she's been out in the sun so long that her skin has been baked over and over until it is as dark as black goat-hair.  

v6 - She doesn't want people to stare at her because of her dark skin; she's very self-conscious about her appearance.  She doesn't want to be pointed out in a crowd.

She explains why she's dark, how her brothers were angry with her and made her work outside.  Her brothers were possibly selfish, lazy guys who didn't want to work the vineyard, so they made their sister do it.  She kept the vineyards; they were an agrarian family, farmers all.  

Yet she hasn't kept her own vineyard, a poetical way of saying that she hasn't been taking care of her physical appearance.  Rather than buying dresses, wearing make-up, and doing her hair, she's been out in the fields, sweating, working.  She doesn't look like the definition of beauty in this culture.  If I remember correctly, at this time being slightly pudgy was a positive thing; it meant you were rich enough to eat more than a daily share of food, and you didn't have to do manual labor yourself.  This woman is the opposite of that; she has to work in the fields daily just to get by.

In other words, she would never be on the cover of the beauty magazines of her day.  The fashionable women who lived in the cities likely scoffed at her for not taking care of her body, of caring for her beauty.  They would tell her that she should be self-conscious of her beauty; she hasn't earned the right to call herself beautiful, not by their standards.

But this woman rejoices because she doesn't live by the cultural standards.  She doesn't care if these other people will call her beautiful.  

She cares about her beloved, her husband, her Solomon.  And he adores her unique form of beauty.  He sees her as beautiful, as the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.  This is her strength.  

Men, realize the power you have to make your beloved woman feel good about herself!  If you aren't telling her how gorgeous she is to you, tell her!  Then tell her again!  And don't stop until you die!

Women, a lot of this can seem counter-cultural, so I just want to tell you a story.  A few years ago two friends and I were watching the first season of LOST.  After one episode, one of the guys casually mentioned how pretty he thought one of the actresses was.  This led to a slight argument -- the other two of us didn't agree.  We each thought a different actress was more beautiful.  We came to realize that we each thought a different girl was the prettiest on the show, and we thought it was just obvious that it was the case.  It showed us quite clearly that we each had very different standards of what we thought made a girl pretty.  We didn't understand why we each saw it so differently, but we at least had to admit that there wasn't one standard of beauty between us.

Culture today tries to tell you what makes you beautiful, that you have to look like all the famous women.  Don't buy it for a second.  God has given every woman a unique form of beauty.  That doesn't mean that He made some women beautiful, while others are less so.  It means that to the man you marry, you will be perfect.  Every individual woman will be the standard of makes a woman beautiful -- to her husband.  But even bigger than that, every woman should know that her God in Heaven loves her and cherishes her beauty, because God gave that beauty to her.  Every woman is made in the image of God (Gen 1); thus, God sees some of His own beauty in each of you.  Every woman should know that she is the handiwork of God, the craftsmanship of the One who created the universe (Eph. 2:10).  In the eyes of God, you are beautiful; in the eyes of God, you are loved!

Men, for you, all of this means that you don't have a standard of what makes a woman beautiful until you are married to her.  Then that woman becomes your only standard of what beauty is.  You will undoubtedly be attracted to her long before you slip a ring on her finger, but once you marry her, you need to ask God to keep your heart focused on her, to keep her as your standard of beauty.  I'll talk about this more in a later post, but for now let me simply say that your heart is fully capable of seeing your bride as the most beautiful among women, throughout the whole of your marriage.  If you don't, if your heart isn't there, it's because you are selfishly letting it stray.  If this is true, pray to God for the grace to turn your heart back to the women you pledged your life to.