SoS 7:11-13 Getting Away Together

[Her]
    [11] Come, my beloved,
        let us go out into the fields
        and lodge in the villages;
    [12] let us go out early to the vineyards
        and see whether the vines have budded,
    whether the grape blossoms have opened
        and the pomegranates are in bloom.
    There I will give you my love.
    [13] The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
        and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
    new as well as old,
        which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.
(Song of Solomon 7:11-13 ESV)

How does a married couple celebrate their love? One way is to do what Solomon's bride longs for: go away together into the countryside. This isn't exactly revolutionary; entire facets of the travel industry are based on couples getting away together.

Why is this such a classically romantic endeavor? Well, when you go away together, you leave everything else behind. In other words, you're telling your spouse that they are the most important person in the world to you, the only person for whom you will leave everything else behind. 

(Conversely, it's precisely when you don't leave everything behind that these moments lose their romance. Consider the husband who is constantly checking his Blackberry and work e-mail account while on faction. His wife isn't exactly swooning at his neglect of her. Rather, he's communicating that his work is more important than she is, which is exactly the opposite of anything romantic).

On top of that, when a couple goes on a little retreat together, they're going intentionally to spend their time loving each other. It's not only a celebration of love, but it's also declaring that you want more of each other. This is a vitally important message to keep giving, especially as your marriage endures through the years.

So all my married friends, take the example of Solomon and his bride, and go and do likewise!


But then we come to the issue of dating couples. Suppose we're dealing not with a married couple, but rather a dating couple. Can they enjoy anything similar to this?

If you're engaged, you can get very close, even if you can't enjoy it entirely. You can't share nights at a bed-and-breakfast for a weekend in the same way that a married couple can; physical intimacy should still be kept sacred for marriage, not dipped into during engagement.

Still, if you have already decided to spend the rest of your lives together, you can certainly celebrate that decision. It's right and fitting and beautiful to spend a day together out in the country, celebrating your love for each other. Just make sure to save the honeymoon for when you actually exchange the rings!


But what if the couple isn't engaged, but is still dating? If the couple is still getting to know each other and haven't yet decided if they want to spend the rest of their lives together, then they can't really enjoy the same kind of thing a married and engaged couple can. However limiting that may seem, it should still be said that dating couples can enjoy something almost as good.

First, let's deal with the portion of this that dating couples can enjoy. While they can't (and shouldn't!) go to a bed-and-breakfast together, they can of course enjoy dates together. Every time a man and a woman go on a date, they are communicating that the person they're dating is important, that they're interested in getting to know them better. When the dating relationship becomes exclusive and the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are used, you're also communicating that you want to pursue each other and ignore all others until you've assessed properly whether or not this is the one for you.

So, while a dating couple clearly can't express "you're the only one for me," they can certainly express "I'm interested in you." By dating someone, you are saying that they're important, that you want to get to know them better, that you enjoy your time with them, and that you might just see a future together, all of which are good things.

This means that dating couples can enjoy retreats together, but they will look significantly different than the married variety. Whereas in marriage the focus is on celebrating your love and enjoying each other, in dating the focus is on getting to know each other.

Thus, dates are short, only a few hours instead of an entire weekend all at once. There are of course the times when a dating couples goes to a parents' house to meet the family. These retreats are often weekends, but the difference of course is that they're chaperoned. Hopefully, if the boyfriend tries to get too frisky, his girlfriend's father will put a stop to it by cleaning out his shotgun on the kitchen table.

Additionally, dating couples shouldn't be entirely alone far out in the countryside together. Instead, make sure your dates are enjoyed in public, or in the company of friends and family. A married couple is free to enjoy each other fully; a dating couple isn't. To keep yourselves honest, keep your relationship public. Our society isn't exactly well-known for its self-control. On top of that, if you're feeling a strong attraction to each other, you're on a romantic day trip, and you're completely alone, you're asking for trouble.

Very similarly, a dating couple shouldn't be alone in an apartment together, cuddling on the couch together with no one else around. As much as you may want to honor God and keep physical intimacy for the marriage bedroom, your self-control will likely falter in these moments. The forces of attraction between a man and a woman who like each other are some of the strongest in all creation.  Do not bet on your ability to control yourselves when you're young, in love, and completely in private. Conversely, if you've been dating a long time and you experience absolutely no temptation when you're alone together, you've got an entirely different problem!


Finally, let's deal with why exactly dating couples can't have the same kind of retreats together that married couples enjoy. These retreats to the countryside are delightful to committed couples because they communicate to each other that there is no one else, that you have chosen each other, and you want to spend time specifically celebrating that love. It's impossible to celebrate this in dating, since you haven't yet committed to being the only one for each other.

In general, dating couples shouldn't express "you're the only one for me" until you've actually decided to be the only ones for each other. This usually involves rings and the decision to enjoy life together forever, lots of shouts and squeals from your friends, and celebratory champagne and/or sparkling grape juice. You can't miss it.

By way of contrast, if one person in a dating couple decides to express "you're the only one" long before the other person is ready to hear it, it can actually end the relationship. Dating should be focused on getting to know each other, finding out if you both and God would have you spend the rest of your lives together. In other words, dating is about seeking out the answer to the question of who I'll spend my life with. It's not about celebrating a life-long love, because you haven't yet pledged to love each other for life.

To sum that all up: dating is about choosing. If a woman is going to feel free to say "yes" when a man proposes to her, she has to feel free to say "no," as well. If she feels like she isn't free to be honest, it's hard to build trust. Similarly, if a man is going to feel free to commit himself to one woman, he has to feel the freedom to make that choice himself, instead of feeling like he's being forced.

On the bright side, if you both feel like the rules of dating are constricting, that could be a good sign that you should move onto engagement as swiftly as possible! If you want to declare yourselves to each other and celebrate that love, stop wasting time in dating and get some rings!

To sum this whole long post up: for committed couples, taking retreats together into the countryside is a beautiful, romantic celebration of your love.

For couples who haven't yet decided to spend their lives together, don't try to imitate married couples. Instead, focus your time on events that help you get to know each other, so that you can figure out if this is the one you want to take all the way to the altar.