Solomon speaks these words to his bride on their wedding night, after praising her specifically for the things he finds to be beautiful about her body. He says it to her at the time of greatest vulnerability; this is the first time she has unveiled her entire body to him. It's the time when she's at the greatest risk of rejection from her new husband. Yet Solomon has nothing but praise for the paragon of beauty he sees before him.
These are words every wife needs to hear from her husband, but in order for them to matter, they have to come from a heart that is genuine. And that heart should be cultivated in a man long before he marries.
So men, this post is for you. It's for single men as well as married men, since this addresses our hearts. Women, feel free to read along and learn more about the inner workings of men.
I've mentioned already the concept of making your wife your standard of beauty. For those who missed it, I'll recap.
Basically, once a man marries a woman, that woman must become that man's standard of what beauty is. If she's really tall, then he should consider height to be part of what's required for a girl to be beautiful. If she's brunette, then no blonde woman should catch his eye the way this brunette does. And as she grows older, his standard of beauty changes to include all that she is at any point in time. If a man truly does this, then no other woman can ever be as beautiful to him as his wife, because no other woman can ever fill the description of quantity the way that she can.
For this to work, the man will have to ask God to change his heart, because our American culture has warped our hearts, using attractive women to sell us everything from cars to beer to porn. It is entirely possible for a man to be absolutely delighted with one woman for his entire life, as long as he asks God to renew his heart back into what it was always meant to be.
Every married man needs to do this. There are no exceptions. If your wife is not your standard of beauty, she will know, and it will drain the joy out of your marriage. For a woman to feel fully loved, she must know that her husband sees her as beautiful, that he only has eyes for her.
So let's flesh this out a little bit, men. How can single men prepare their hearts for this? How can married men ensure that they are communicating only this?
First, let's deal with single men. Us single guys are the most vulnerable to culture's attacks on our hearts, since there isn't a woman nearby keeping us honest.
Single men are constantly bombarded with images of attractive women, because we're wired to notice women. In this age of Photoshop, we're assaulted with pictures of too-perfect women, designed to be super-weapons of grabbing our attention. As we notice these women, we are subtly being taught to identify these Hollywood creations as "beautiful." This means that if we see a woman who isn't seemingly perfect like the women in the ads and movies, we instinctively think of her as less beautiful.
When we look for women to date, then, we tend to focus on the women who match the definition of beauty the media has been forcing on us. When we do start pursuing a woman romantically, if we still have this Hollywood standard of beauty in our hearts, we'll compare the woman we are with to the women we see on the screens all around us, noting how she's less than the Photoshopped perfection. We'll mentally note that she's not the same as these poster women, and subconsciously conclude that she's less "beautiful."
And then we'll start communicating it in ways that shatter her heart. We might not say it verbally, but women are masters at reading non-verbal communication.
If a guy checks out another woman while he's with his girlfriend/fiancé/wife, she'll know, and she will feel less beautiful than the woman who caught her man's eye.
If a guy fixates on a certain actress by watching all her movies, talking about her, or having a poster of her (even a picture saved on his computer), his girl will start to feel like this actress is the definition of beauty, not her.
If a guy seldom tells his woman how beautiful she is, but quickly comments on how hot an actress or celebrity is, his woman will start to feel ugly by comparison.
Perhaps most critically, if a guy points out a flaw in his woman, even if he feels like he's innocently making an observation, she will likely hear it as a criticism on her beauty, as a reason why she's not as beautiful as she could have been without the flaw. She can feel judged, unloved, ugly, and unwanted, as a result.
All of these actions are birthed in the life of a single guy. Single guys feel free to check out any hot women who happen to walk by. Single guys feel free to fixate on an attractive actress, often justifying by saying that they'd like to marry a woman who looks like that someday. Single guys don't have to tell one woman that she's beautiful, and they feel free to comment on how hot a woman on screen is. Single guys feel free to compare attractive women they've seen, even pointing out flaws that make one woman less attractive than another. Watch any modern sitcom, especially something focused on dating like "How I Met Your Mother," and you will see these attitudes lived out constantly.
These can seem like innocent behaviors in a single guy. After all, no woman is being hurt when he's doing them. Yet they are building an attitude of selfishness in his heart, where he is the one who determines what is beautiful and what isn't (based subconsciously, of course, by what his culture has been feeding him). It teaches him to set the standard, and to feel free to judge women for not measuring up.
When these attitudes are brought into a relationship, they bring death. Maybe the relationship itself won't die, if the man still has some grasp of romance. But if he keeps acting this way, his woman will not feel anywhere near as loved and cherished as she should feel.
Solomon understands a woman's heart. He rightly praises his bride for her beauty. Even things that the culture says were odd, like long necks and dark skin, he praises. He sets her up as his definition of beauty, and he absolutely fills her heart with love for him.
Culture might lie to you here and tell you that Solomon had to make a sacrifice, to give up all these other attractive women, to praise his wife. But there is absolutely no sacrifice, no pain, no loss. Rather, Solomon has retained something most men have already lost.
You see, Solomon understands the male heart, as well. Back in Eden, when God brought the first woman to the first man, God didn't ask the man what the woman should look like. God simply made her and brought her to him. The man had never seen another woman. He had no other standard to judge by. She was the very definition of a beautiful woman, because she was the only definition of a beautiful woman, and she was his to love.
And what reaction does this man have when he first sees her? He sings. He composes the first song known to humankind and praises the woman he is beholding. He has absolutely no choice in his woman; he can only accept that this woman is beauty, for him. And his heart is so bursting with joy and love at the sight of her that he bursts out in song!
Men, it is a lie of a sinful, broken culture that you have to use the celebrity standard and pick the "hottest" girl available. There is no hottest girl! The only reason that you think some girls are hotter than others is that you have embraced a standard for beauty that is unbiblical and unnatural. Even the culture at large has realized how unnatural it is; even the most anti-biblical, sexually immoral relationship advice will counsel men to tell their women that they are the most beautiful woman on the planet. Yet this usually comes from a heart that is insincere, a heart that still clings to cultural standards of beauty and inwardly notices how his woman does not measure up.
Men, as Christians, we must do better. We cannot live our single lives with this selfish cultural notion of celebrity beauty, not if we hope to be good husbands in the future. We cannot keep these selfish hearts in romantic relationships, lying to our women about something so important to their well being.
So men, it is time to change.
If you are married, ask God to renew your heart back to the way it was always meant to be, to see your bride as the only woman on the earth, as the only standard of what beauty is.
If you are single, ask God to change your heart away from selfishly being the judge of who is beautiful and who isn't. Instead, ask God to help you find the beauty in every person. If God opens your eyes to see it, you will always find beauty in the people around you, because every person is made in the image of God, and He is the source and perfection of all beauty.
Single men, if you live your life by expecting to find beauty in every woman you meet, you will find it. You may even find that women who don't look like they'e been Photoshopped end up being more holistically attractive than you ever thought possible. You may then notice that you are surrounded by a heck of a lot more beautiful women than you ever imagined!
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