[9] You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
(Song of Solomon 4:9 ESV)
After telling his bride how perfectly beautiful she is, Solomon tells her these magical words: "You have captiated my heart, my sister, my bride." These words are simple, but they convey a powerful truth about romance:
Women captivate. Women win a man's heart by being continually captivating.
Men pursue women. This is wired into us. It's why, even in our egalitarian-leaning culture, men are still expected to be the ones who ask the girl out, to pay on the first date, to propose marriage. It requires courage, it requires confidence, it requires initiative, it requires leadership. All of these qualities in men that are necessary for a successful pursuit are attractive to women.
If men pursue, then women enjoy being pursued. Women enjoy knowing that they're worth the chase, that they're worthy of the effort a man puts into pursuing her.
This is a wonderful arrangement, but it also puts women in a tricky place. If a woman wants a man to pursue her, but she's not expected to initiate the pursuit, what can she do?
The answer: captivate him.
This has a few layers to it. First, a woman can captivate a man with, as Solomon says, "one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." It may sound strange to women, but a man can be completely ensnared by one glance. This is apparently what happened when Solomon met his future bride. He was captivated from the first moment her saw her.
This may have something to do with the fact that men are generally visual creatures, while women are more verbal. Men can lose their heart to a woman at the first glance, while women will often want a great deal of communication with a man before opening her heart to him. Women should recognize that they have this power!
Once a man is captivated by a woman, he will begin to pursue her. (A man can of course be captivated in many other ways besides the initial glance, but for the sake of brevity, we'll stick with the one that Solomon and his bride experienced).
During this pursuit, a man will discover whether a woman remains captivating. If she is, he will delight in getting to know her more, as each layer reveals even more reasons to be delighted with her. If she ceases to be captivating, the man will often lose interest in her, and may break off his pursuit.
There are many reasons why a woman can cease to be captivating to a man. To name just a few:
- She could focus all of her attention on her outward appearance, leaving very little depth beneath the surface
- She could be entirely self-focused, making the man feel used or neglected instead of valued
- She could have been lying to get the man's attention, such that when her lies are discovered, their bonds are revealed to be fake
- She could criticize her man constantly, leading him to feel disrespected
- She could cheat on her man
- She could rush talk of marriage, scaring some guys away
- She could delay talk of marriage, leading her man to think she's just waiting for something better to come along
- Their attraction could have been based entirely on superficial matters, such that once the initial thrill wore off, nothing substantial remained to tie them together
(Necessary disclaimer: Men, we have our own list of ways in which we cease to become attractive to women. I'm not just picking on women here; us men are equally guilty. But again, for brevity, we'll focus where the text focuses).
In short, you can talk to just about any couple who recently broke up, and discover some way in which they ceased to be captivating to each other.
But this is not the end of every relationship. In the romances that continue on into marriage, the man continues to feel captivated by his woman, even after getting to know her extensively over time. It is often precisely this delight in continual captivation that leads a man to drop to one knee and offer this amazing woman a ring!
This is precisely what Solomon does. Then here, on their wedding night, he praises his woman for being so captivating for so long.
Note that he says "You HAVE captivated my heart." This is past-tense. She has already captivated his heart, through this long process of pursuit and courtship. He is not speaking merely of her beauty right here. He has already praised her for her immediate beauty. Here, he is praising her that she has been captivating all through his process of getting to know her. She has been entirely worthy of his pursuit, and he lavishes praise on her for it!
Her desire has long been to capture the heart of this man. She did this by cultivating a personality and a life that Solomon loves to explore. She invited his pursuit by being captivating, by first hooking him with one glance of her eyes, then reeling him in with a depth of character, integrity, love for God, diligence, and compassion.
So women, here's your take-away: If you want to attract (and keep) a man, focus on being a captivating woman!
Please note that I'm not saying "become like a Hollywood bimbo with too-much make-up and a stuck-up attitude." Do not be deceived by movies and magazines into thinking that being captivating focuses mainly on external appearances. As Solomon demonstrates, the true value in a woman is that she is continually captivating the more you get to know her. Otherwise, the captivation fades as the man discovers there's nothing underneath to match the shiny exterior.
So women, cultivate a deep richness in yourself. This can take many forms, but let's focus for a second on the biggest one: a love and passion for God.
This may cause a few women to roll their eyes. After all, many are the single Christian women who are having a hard time finding a man. They love Jesus and they're still single, so clearly there must be something else to it.
Not so fast. Speaking as a single man myself, there is nothing as attractive in a woman as a deep, vibrant passion for Jesus. I'm not talking about mere belief and agreement with Christian theology. I'm talking about a woman who is clearly and visibly in love with Jesus, who can't wait to spend more time with Him, who eagerly enjoys setting aside time to focus on her relationship with God. Women like this not only attract Christian men, but they inspire us. When I see a woman like this, I feel encouraged to seek God even harder myself, in order to be worthy of such a woman!
Women, there is some value in cultivating interesting hobbies and passions, such that you have interesting things to talk about with men. But that kind of depth doesn't actually go all that deep. Interests and hobbies change throughout life; you might love something now that you won't love 10 years from now, and you almost certainly loved something 10 years ago that you might be just a little ashamed of, currently.
Instead, cultivate this depth and richness of personality and character in the areas most central to your identity. Cultivate this richness in your relationship with God. In this sense, getting to know God will help you get to know the person you will marry. As I heard someone say recently, choosing God in this way means that you get both God and your man, while choosing to focus on a man at the neglect of God will lead to having neither.
Further, I know it's tempting, but women, one of the worst things you can do while single is throw a pity party and lament your singleness. This is time to invest in yourself and your relationship with God, not to waste on pity! Take this time to build yourself up in God, and when the right man catches a glance of your eye, you'll have plenty of material to keep the captivation alive and thriving.
Women, a man will be excited to pledge himself to one woman in marriage if he knows that a life-long relationship with this woman will continue to be captivating long after the honeymoon is over. This is why a relationship with God is so sexy to a man! It promises new material, new captivation, each day. As the woman keeps drawing herself closer to God, discovering new things about Him, she will have more and more to share with her man. To top it all off, this daily depth will be on the topic of utmost importance in life: our relationships with God. A woman who promises this kind of value in her life with a man is insanely, ridiculously attractive!
Contrarily, if a woman is primarily seeking a man instead of God, she can be tempted to give herself sexually long before the marriage. Often when this happens, the man soon loses interest in her. This is largely because once you go so deep so quickly, there's little left to explore. It also speaks of shallowness in the woman herself, if she is so quick to give up something so sacred just to try to snare a man. If she thinks so little of herself, the man likely won't think highly of her, either. But, if the woman is seeking God first, man second, then she will be far more likely to hold the line against this kind of behavior, and this strength of character will speak of a depth and richness of soul. It indicates that her relationship with God is so satisfying that she doesn't need to resort to desperate tactics to try to end her loneliness, and that kind of depth is captivating.
And men, I almost don't need to say this given how much it's already wired into us, but pursue women who captivate you. Don't settle for a woman who fails to excite you, especially in the area of her relationship with God. If you find yourself making exceptions, saying that her shallowness with God is acceptable because of her hotness or some other quality of hers, you will soon find yourself losing the sense of captivation that first drew you in.
So men: find a woman who captivates you and pursue her!
Women: cultivate a personality that captivates a man. Bait him with a glance of your eyes, then reel him in with your depth!
And men, when you've pursued this woman and she has remained captivating, praise her for it! It takes a lot of work for any person, man or woman, to avoid the cultural traps of wasting time in entertainment and instead invest it in growth. If she's done this, praise her for it! Tell her specifically how she captivates you. Encourage her to continue growing in those areas, and make sure that you keep growing in ways that will continue to captivate her.
People often say that marriage takes work. It does. But much of that begins in our lives as single people. So single people, you've got your work cut out for you! Begin cultivating an amazing marriage by becoming as captivating as possible, now.
You won't be sorry that you did. Solomon's bride certainly didn't regret it!
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