SoS 6:2-10 Conflict, Part 6: Praise

[She]
[2] My beloved has gone down to his garden
        to the beds of spices,
    to graze in the gardens
        and to gather lilies.
    [3] I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine;
        he grazes among the lilies.

[He]
    [4] You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love,
        lovely as Jerusalem,
        awesome as an army with banners.
    [5] Turn away your eyes from me,
        for they overwhelm me—
    Your hair is like a flock of goats
        leaping down the slopes of Gilead.
    [6] Your teeth are like a flock of ewes
        that have come up from the washing;
    all of them bear twins;
        not one among them has lost its young.
    [7] Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
        behind your veil.
    [8] There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
        and virgins without number.
    [9] My dove, my perfect one, is the only one,
        the only one of her mother,
        pure to her who bore her.
    The young women saw her and called her blessed;
        the queens and concubines also, and they praised her.
    [10] “Who is this who looks down like the dawn,
        beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun,
        awesome as an army with banners?”
(Song of Solomon 6:2-10 ESV)


Today we wrap up the conflict series by studying how Solomon and his bride resolve their situation. The principle is simple, but beautiful when applied.

Basically, compliment the socks off each other when you're reconciling!

If you follow Solomon and his bride through the earlier stages of conflict resolution, then by the time you're here, the anger and head of steam should be gone, replaced by a desire to reconcile and put the conflict behind you.

To do this, to put the conflict firmly in the past, you must compliment each other like there's no tomorrow.

You see, when we sin against another person (or when they sin against us), it raises doubts in us. We all know that we're not perfect. Even the most proud, confident, arrogant human beings know deep-down how flawed they are. This scary truth is often the very thing they're running from by convincing themselves that they're amazing.

We all know our flaws. We try to hide them, but conflict breaks us wide open and brings our flaws to the surface. Often we do stupid things that we later regret. This can include yelling in anger and saying hurtful things, or it could even include seemingly milder things like how Solomon's bride rejected him in her half-asleep state.

There's a reason people try to hide from other people the conflict that they have with with their loved ones. It shows that we are often powerless when it comes to the relationships we care about the most. It shows that we're flawed, that we've sinned, that our great public image is cracking.

In short, conflict makes us emotionally vulnerable. Our hearts are laid bare.

So when you are in this state, you need to praise each other relentlessly! This will pour affirmation after affirmation onto our vulnerable hearts. It confronts our imperfections and failures with unconditional love, which is exactly what our hearts crave.

When Solomon's bride comes to him, she knows that much of this conflict was her fault. She rejected him for no good reason. But Solomon doesn't respond in anger. He knows her heart, and he can probably see in her face that she is coming to him full of love, as the earlier verses display.

We also know from earlier chapters that this woman fears that she's too imperfect, that Solomon might leave her for a better woman. So Solomon, an exceedingly wise and loving man, takes his wife's vulnerable heart and showers her with praise.

He spends four verses complimenting her appearance, telling her how much he is attracted to her and how beautiful she is to him. Men, there will never come a day when your woman will not want to hear words like this!

Then he shifts a bit and praises her character. Verses 8-9 state that this woman is one-of-a-kind, that no matter how many other amazing women are out there in the world, she tops them all.

He ends with a bit of poetry, again showing how beautiful she is to him, how overwhelming her beauty is to him. He leaves no doubt in her mind that he loves her, that he forgives her, that he wants nothing more than to put the conflict in the past and move on with their love.

Simply saying "I forgive you" is often an empty gesture. We force kids in school to say it even when they don't mean it. It's easy to say a few simple words.

It's another thing entirely to selflessly praise your loved one for their beauty, their virtues, their character, their reputation, their personality. To truly praise someone like this, you have to let go of your bitterness, anger, and selfishness, such that you can genuinely put the focus of your heart on them, not on yourself.

So try it.

The next time you have a conflict with a loved one, when you get to the resolution point, compliment them like crazy. They might be surprised, at first; we tend not to do this much as a society. But after the initial shock fades, you'll probably find a person who's a lot happier than they would be if you'd just said "I'm sorry" and considered it done.