[7] Tell me, you whom my soul loves,
where you pasture your flock,
where you make it lie down at noon;
for why should I be like one who veils herself
beside the flocks of your companions?
[He]
[8] If you do not know,
O most beautiful among women,
follow in the tracks of the flock,
and pasture your young goats
beside the shepherds' tents.
(Song of Solomon 1:7-8 ESV)
I'll begin this post with a bit of autobiography. These two verses in Song of Solomon talk of playful flirting between the man and his wife; it's fun, it's light, it's free, it's enjoyable. Yet it wasn't anything like that for me, when I first read this verse. You see, in my romantic pursuits, I've had more than my fair share of rejection. I have often opened up my heart and tried to be playful and romantic, only to receive pain and rejection back. (Much of this was due, by the way, to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing. No one had told me how to pursue a woman, so I was struggling blindly. Until I realized God had already given me everything I needed to know here, in this glorious book!)
So when I first read these two verses, I was bitter. I prayed to God for healing, that He would redeem and renew my heart, soothe away the wounds of the past, and enable me to be open and romantic in the future. To His great glory, He answered that prayer, and I can now joyfully announce that my heart is free and open!
So if you are in a similar situation, where the scars of the past make passages like this difficult to read, let me assure you: God cares about your pain, and He is fully willing to heal it. Even if people have always abused your trust, Jesus never will. He is faithful and true, always. Entrust your heart to Him, ask Him to heal and renew you. Read His Word, read these words in Song of Solomon, as prayers; while you read them, ask God to heal you and enable you to enjoy this playfulness. He is faithful and powerful; He will heal you.
And if you've never experienced rejection or the like, then I ask you to pray for God to protect your heart in your romantic endeavors, such that you never have to experience the kind of pain I've felt. Yet if you ever do feel this pain, always know the One you can turn to for help!
There is a lot to learn in these two verses. First, we need to realize that these verses are inherently playful and flirtatious between this married couple.
From this, we can see that flirting is fun and recommended; it's not something inherently dirty. Sometimes it seems as though our culture has taken flirting and made it inherently sexual, such that if you flirt, you must want to have sex immediately. It can make it very awkward for two Christians to start flirting, if they have this understanding in the back of their minds, even if they're not conscious of it. But the glorious message of these two verses is that flirting and chemistry are Godsends. In committed romantic relationships, it is good to be playful, to enjoy this kind of light teasing. It builds chemistry. In other words, it's a gift from God. Culture may have hijacked it and made it seem dirty, but it was given by God to be clean, fun, free, and enjoyable. So as we study these verses, we'll be focusing on redeeming this concept, on cleaning away the filth and studying these verses to see what God intended for this to be!
So now let's dive into the verses word-by-word.
v7 - "Tell me, you whom my soul loves," I love this little pet-name that she has for Solomon. "You whom my soul loves." This is far deeper than a crush, far deeper than an emotional flutter in the stomach for someone. She loves this man with her whole being, so she chooses a nickname for him that conveys the depths of her love. This is a love from her soul, from the seat of her very identity. All that she is, and all that feels, is wrapped up in loving her husband, and she communicates this frequently.
"where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon;" Here, they are using poetic imagery, play-acting, roleplaying. Solomon isn't a literal shepherd, and neither is she. He's king over the whole country, while she tended a vineyard (as she said in the previous verse), and after marriage, of course she moved into the palace. Yet for this little bit of playfulness, they're pretending to take on these roles.
(Historical note: Some commentators take these verses literally, assuming that Song of Solomon is a romance between a shepherd boy and shepherd girl, but that ignores the weight of the evidence: Solomon himself is mentioned constantly throughout the book as the man of this romance, the woman just identified herself as a vineyard keeper, and these two verses are inherently playful and teasing in nature. If they were going to speak poetically and role play, they would do it here, rather than everywhere else in the book!)
"for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?" In the Ancient Near East, shepherds would rest at noon, after a long morning of labor. They would sit in shade for a meal. Those of looser moral character might also make use of veiled women who would come for... well, prostitution.
So she's asking, "Why should I be like a wayward woman, uncertain of who to love, uncertain of whom I'll be with? Why should my heart wander? Tell me where you pasture your flock, you whom my soul loves, so that I may come as a veiled companion only to you!"
v8 - She has initiated this playful time, so Solomon of course responds in kind: "If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents."
From the fact that Solomon responds just as playfully as she initiated, we can see that using these playful metaphors in romance is fun, enjoyable, exciting, and completely acceptable in marriage. In other words: marriage should be fun, not dull!
Single people, when you do have a relationship, lay the foundations of playfulness and fun early. Being free and playful speaks greatly to your personal confidence; it says to your partner that life with you will be enjoyable and safe. After all, if you are not safe with each other, it's impossible to be fun and free with each other.
And since this is 21st century America, I have to clarify: if the relationship isn't at the marriage stage yet, there can't be any hanky-panky going on in this playfulness. It is quite possible to be playful in a non-sexual way, even though many TV shows and movies have you believing just the opposite. Playfulness can include inside jokes, light teasing, innocent sarcasm, speaking in playful riddles (after all, that's what Solomon and his bride are doing here; no straight answers!), scavenger hunts with clues, etc.
The key to proper playfulness is that both people in the relationship enjoy it equally. If the guy is sarcastic but the girl takes offense at sarcasm, the guy should lay off the sarcasm around her. Find another way to be playful; there are more than you can imagine. Playfulness is intended to draw you two together in joyful pleasure, not push one person away from offense!
(For more on proper playfulness as dating couples and engaged couples, see the end of the post).
Also note how skillfully Solomon weaves compliments of her beauty into their flirting, their playfulness. In the middle of his winding answer, he calls her "O most beautiful among women." Note that his compliment is genuine, even though the answer is teasing; guys, make sure your compliments don't sound like jokes. That could have precisely the opposite effect than what you intend. But if you can do it well, if you can weave these kind of compliments into your playfulness, it can be like crack to a woman. It's pretty fun for the guy, too.
Solomon's answer to her is winding, filled with clues but no set answer: "follow in the tracks of the flock," which could simply mean that he's leaving clues for her to follow. "and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents." I could be wrong, but it seems to me that Solomon is here reversing the playful imagery. Now she's a shepherdess, leading around a flock of goats, and Solomon is telling her to pasture them in a certain area. She started out chasing him, like a veiled companion chases a shepherd, but now he's saying she's the shepherdess, and he'll be the one chasing her. She'll wait in the open, where he says, and he'll find her. Or Solomon could simply be using "pasture your young goats" as a euphemism. I don't know which. Most commentators don't know which. So we'll just leave that one be, shall we?
Regardless, it's plain that Solomon wants to be together with her, and he's giving her a playful answer on where to find him. They're having a lot of fun with this!
Notice also that it's the woman who intiates this time of playfulness. Men, you should initiate plenty of things in a relationship. You should put on your man pants and summon the courage to ask the girl out. You should plan out some great dates. You could even throw a surprise party for her on her birthday. Let your mind go wild with the possibilies!
Still, women, you shouldn't let him be the only one to initiate everything. The Bible definitely talks of the man as the head of the house (more on this controversial idea later), but notice that here Scripture is recording a glorious, holy, fun time in marriage when the woman is initiating. She initiates, and Solomon loves it. Most guys will love it, too. Plan out a date or an event, surprise him, initiate playful times with him.
And again, if you're not married, this cannot get sexual in any way. Doing so without the commitment of marriage often serves only to remove all fun and playfulness, and instead make things really awkward, as well as often doing lasting emotional damage. I said it earlier, but to say it here again: these two are so free with each other because they feel safe with each other. They are committed to each other. They aren't taking advantage of each other or using each other selfishly, which is almost always the case when sex is had outside of marriage. These verses aren't just about having fun with a hot girl. Rather, it's about a husband enjoying playful intimacy with his wife, with the woman that he knows intimately, with the woman he has committed himself to, with the woman he delights in, with the woman he wants to be with above all other women. It simply isn't possible to enjoy this kind of playfulness outside of a committed relationship, and it's absolutely impossible to enjoy this kind of sexual playfulness that Solomon and his wife enjoy outside of a committed marriage. So my advice: don't even try. While you're dating or engaged, stick with the completely safe kinds of playfulness. Then, when you finally are married, feel free to make up for lost time!
At this point, I was going to talk more about proper playfulness, flirting, chemistry, etc., in dating and engaged couples. But then I realized this post is already fairly long. So instead, my next post will be devoted to discussing this topic, using plenty of illustration from the Song of Solomon. It'll be a fun one. Stay tuned!
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