After studying SoS 1:7-8, where the happy couple flirts like mad, I thought it would be helpful to discuss how those who are not married can still build chemistry safely in relationships. I wish I could just say that this was a normal thing everybody learns, but sadly we can’t assume that, anymore. For one thing, our culture is saturated with horribly wrong examples of chemistry, such that if you learn romance from movies and TV shows, you’ll end up with all kinds of trouble.
In my own life, this was something I was clueless about all through high school. I had no sister, no close female friends, and no one who taught me how to attract women. As such, my few attempts to ask a girl out failed miserably. In college, when I finally did begin dating, I had no idea what I was doing and messed up my first relationship so badly that it ended after only 9 days. Tragically, I know I’m not alone in all of this.
So because there is a need, I offer you what I have learned in this area. Song of Solomon is full of examples of these kinds of things; we’ll see them frequently as we continue the study. But for now, I’ll pull them out and list them in bullet-points, to make it easier to deal with them all at once.
For starters, it’s helpful to orient our discussion around the Five Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book, do it: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
To summarize the book, there are basically five different ways that people give and express love: physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. People can vary widely as to which languages they prefer to give and receive. These languages are present strongly in the Song of Solomon; I will keep pointing them out as we continue studying this amazing book. Solomon and his bride speak these languages extremely well; they have much to teach us!
One of the keys to any romantic relationship is to know which love languages you speak, and which your partner speaks. Then, speak those languages! This goes for the committed relationships of marriage and engaged couples, as well as for those who are merely dating.
So let’s discuss these love languages, and how we can casually yet enjoyably speak them in dating:
Physical Touch
General Guidelines:
- Outside of marriage, be absolutely non-sexual. In other words, avoid doing 90% of the things you see done in Hollywood movies, or in romance on TV shows. As a general rule of thumb, you should not be touching anything that clothes normally cover. Capiche?
- The goal is to make the other person feel special, to create a bond, not to make them feel uncomfortable or used.
- Err on the side of caution. Instead of figuring out how much you can get away with, save as much as you can for marriage itself. You’ll be denying yourself a little bit of pleasure now, but you’ll be ensuring that you’ll be able to enjoy a lot more later on, and without so much emotional baggage to worry about. Few things leave deeper scars in failed relationships than going too far, physically, and the emotional abuse that usually happens to get there, or that follows.
- If physical touch matters to your partner, but not to you, go along with it anyway. Even if it doesn’t create sparks for you, it is for them, and they will be immensely grateful for your willingness to speak their language.
Specific Ideas:
- Look into each other’s eyes as you talk. I know, this isn’t exactly “touch,” but it is a physical aspect, and it does build a connection. In a day and age when face-to-face communication isn’t as dominant as it once was, it needs to be said: look into each other’s eyes, don’t look all over the place! Looking around while you talk, instead of looking in the eyes, creates the impression that you’re not secure about yourself, that you’re not interested in the other person, or that they intimidate you, none of which help build a connection!
- Give innocent, light touches. Guys, gently touch her back as you lead her through a doorway. Lightly touch an arm or shoulder as you make a point in conversation. If you find you agree on something in conversation, high-five!
- At the end of a date, give a light, casual hug. It’s best if these are side-hugs, or very short.
- Hold hands. This one is kind of obvious, but still: do it. (Caution: trying this before you’re an official “couple” miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight work, but usually it will only makes this awkward, and will leave one or both of you wondering which stage the relationship is actually at.)
- Cuddling together can work, but only if you keep things “G” rated. If you’re finding it hard to do so, best to skip it all together, and save it for later.
Gift Giving/Receiving
General Guidelines:
- Giving gifts shows the other person that you were thinking of them, which naturally builds chemistry.
- Don’t give what you want to receive. Give what they want to receive, even if it might seem silly to you.
- At the start of a relationship, don’t give anything expensive. Doing so can make things awkward, since you don’t really know each other yet, and it can make the other person feel like you are trying to get something from them by spending so much money on them.
- If you receive a gift you don’t particularly want, still be very appreciative for it, for the fact that they were thinking of you.
- A “practical” gift is not the same thing as a “thoughtful” gift. Unless the person you’re dealing with is very practical, don’t give things like power tools and car maintenance kits, and expect it to be romantic. Instead, give thoughtful gifts, things that are tailored to their specific likes and desires.
Specific Ideas:
- Give candy. Not necessary a box of expensive chocolates, but if you know she likes Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, buy two a wrap them up! For someone who loves receiving gifts, it can be a lot of fun to unwrap even something as little as this. And when she sees that you bought her favorite candy, you get bonus points for thoughtfulness! (Note: if she’s diabetic, this might not work so well).
- Tailor your gifts to events in their life. If they just completed a tough academic time, give them a victory package of goodies! If they just got a pet cat, give them a little kitty toy (or a bottle of ointment for claw scratches)! You get the idea. The more thoughtful the gift, the better!
- If they’ve been talking about something recently, like how they’d like to read a new book or wondering whether a band’s new CD will be any good, take the hint and buy them this as a gift. (Pro tip: keep the receipt, just in case. Given that dating is less committed than marriage, you might not be the only one who wants to give this as a gift, and the person might also have bought it themselves without telling you. Don’t worry if this happens and you have to return your copy; most likely, they’ll be very touched that you paid attention and took the effort. That’s still a win!)
- As the relationship progresses, jewelry is an appropriate gift to give. It’s a little weird to drop this kind of cash right at the start, but if you want to commemorate a three-month anniversary, a little bit of jewelry can go a long way!
- Give gifts that commemorate special events you two have shared as a couple.
- Flowers are a big hit with girls. They shouldn’t be given only as apologies, as they are in many shows; rather, give them just to show that you like her, that you were thinking of her, that their beauty reminded you of her.
- Girls, this may come as a shock, but guys like games. Sports, video games, board games, and on and on; it’s different with each guy. Figure out what games he likes, then give gifts along those lines: tickets to a game, a new expansion to his favorite board game, a video game that’s safe for you both to enjoy together, etc.
Words of Affirmation
General Guidelines
- At the core, this is about building each other up with your words, building connections between you with your words, and showing that you’re safe with each other by building up trust.
- Praise specific things; do not be vague in your praise!
- Make special effort to compliment those things that your partner feels are their flaws.
- It’s called “encouragement” for a reason; our words have the power to build courage in others. Use this power to build your partner up!
- Try to avoid criticism; your partner wants to see that you care for them and respect them, not that you’re trying to audition for the role of personal life coach. If you do criticize, give three sincere, well thought-out compliments for every derogatory thing you say.
- Words have a tremendous amount of power, even if all you’re doing is choosing not to use them. Use this power to strengthen your relationship, not tear it down.
Specific Ideas:
- Guys, continually tell women how beautiful they are. There are a few cautions that go with this, as we’ve already explored in Song of Solomon 1, but generally, women can’t hear this enough. If your date has gone to special effort to look nice for a particular event, make sure to compliment her!
- Compliment things that they have control over. For example, it’s okay to compliment someone’s eyes, but they didn’t really do anything to get those eyes. It’s not a terribly personal compliment. Instead, if it’s obvious that they put a lot of work into their hair, tell them how good it looks! Guys, if you have enough fashion sense to recognize how much effort a woman put into her outfit for the evening, compliment her on how well it all works together!
- This dove-tails off of what was said in in the Physical Touch section, but to guys, especially: don’t compliment anything normally covered by clothes. That will get you to Awkward City in a flash. In a dating relationship, your thoughts shouldn’t be straying there, anyway!
- Girls, compliment a man on his accomplishments. Show him that you respect him. Guys love to be praised for battles they’ve just won, whether they be in sports, academics, work, in personal relationships, even in video and board games!
- If you love spending time together, tell them why. Tell your partner what specifically attracts you to them.
- When you see God working in their lives, or you see them doing something that instantly draws your attention to God, make sure to tell them! It should be the greatest compliment ever for a Christians to hear how their life reminded you of God!
Acts of Service
General Guidelines
- Acts of service tell someone that you care for them more than you care about your own selfish desires. You are sacrificing doing something that you want, in order to do something that they want. This can therefore speak volumes about how much you value them!
- Never do an act of service for someone out of a begrudging, complaining attitude. This will instantly remove any pleasantness from your act, making it a point of strife and contention in the relationship, rather than building it up.
- You won’t always feel like doing things for people. This is when your acts send the loudest message, for better or worse; it will either shout that you value yourself over them as you don’t do the act, or it will shout that you value them so much that you will gladly serve them even when it sorely inconveniences you.
- There is often a fine line between someone doing an act of service for you, and you taking advantage of them. Performing acts of service should never feel like slavery! There should never be punishment of any kind threatened if an act isn’t done, there should be no emotional abuse given if an act isn’t done perfectly, acts of service should never become requirements to get other benefits of the relationship, etc. A general guideline to avoid service abuse: the acts should be initiated by the person doing them, not the person who benefits from them. The person receiving should be grateful, not demanding.
- If an act is done for you, be grateful, and show that gratitude each time! If a person primarily gives love as acts of service, there are few things more deflating and disheartening than not being noticed or thanked for the acts that you do. Be thankful, and say so repeatedly, even if the act was not done perfectly.
Specific Ideas:
- Cooking meals is always welcome. It’s often said that the road a man’s heart leads through his stomach!
- If one or both of you have reached the stage in life where you’re living away from mom and dad (in a college dorm, an apartment, a house with other singles, etc.), doing acts to help others take care of their living space can be very welcome.
- People have skills in different areas. It’s very helpful to do things for them that they can’t do themselves. If a person has no clue how to care for a car, help them out! If they have no idea how to care for their computer, help them out! Caution: never do this in a haughty manner, being arrogant of how much you know. Do it generously, out of compassion and care, not out of a desire to make yourself look good.
- Regardless of whether or not a person prefers this love language normally, everyone appreciates this when they’re sick! Cook some chicken-noodle soup for them, clean up the house if they’re stuck in bed, go shopping for medicine and food, take care of errands they can’t, etc.
- If your partner is undergoing a busy or stressful time, help them out! This can include a busy academic time, something big at work, a family crisis or emergency, etc. Any time stress is on the rise, your help becomes more and more valuable. Pro tip: if a person is stressed, asking them “what can I do?” can actually lead to more stress, as they have to time out to figure out what to let you do. Instead, take a second to observe, and do what you see will be helpful.
- Giving advice can be helpful, if done rightly. Guys, if a girl starts talking to you about a problem she has, it’s likely that advice is the last thing she wants. Instead, she wants you to give her your ear, for you to listen to her and empathize with her. Often, this can be a better gift than any nugget of wisdom you could have dished out.
Quality Time
General Guidelines
- Quality time is mainly about just being together. Clear your schedule, and if distractions come up, ignore them. Make being together the top priority in your schedule, second only to your priority to spend time with God.
- Quality time is called “quality” for a reason. Quality time should be well spent getting to know each other, and enjoying your time together. Tailor what you do based on who you each are, and what you enjoy doing.
- Staring at a screen does not usually count as “quality” time. Movies and TV are nice, but you don’t get to know much about each while you sit passively and watch, without even talking to each other.
- Guys, quality time for a girl involves lots of words. Be verbal. Talk, even if you rarely talk otherwise!
- Girls, quality time for a guy often involves doing something together. Come up with things you can actively do together, and be willing to do things you wouldn’t normally, like going to a ball game surrounded by cheering, sweaty people.
- Girls, it can vastly improve quality time for a guy if you make a bit of an effort to look nice for your time together. I’m not saying you have to be a fashion queen, but just make an effort.
- This is key: in dating relationships, don't expect to dominate each other's time. Since you're not committed to each other in marriage, you still have separate lives to live. Don't always expect them to give up everything just to be with you; you're not at that stage, yet. Be patient. It can be a great sign of maturity to show that you are willing to be patient, that you trust them enough not to be with them constantly, and that you still have a life and identity outside of them. If you do demand to be with them constantly, you will likely smother them, and this just may push them away from you.
Specific Ideas:
- Ask lots of questions of each other. Ask lots of follow-up questions. Avoid simple yes/no questions; ask deep questions. Ask questions starting with who, what, where, when, why, and how. Ask questions about them; ask about their opinions, their hopes and fears, their dreams, their goals, their favorite ____, their family and friends, their enemies, their biggest lessons, etc. Point being: ASK!
- Prepare questions in advance, if you fear that your mind might blank while you’re with them. Generally this only happens in the early stages of a relationship, before you really know each other. If you are ever in a panic about what to ask, realize that this person has already lived a great number of years. Ask them something specific about their past! Also, since the walk with God is ongoing daily, ask them how their time with Jesus is going.
- Go on walks together. Rent a boat and sail around a lake. Go hiking. Sit on the shore and throw rocks across the water. Enjoying nature together can provide lots to look at, while giving you plenty of uninterrupted time to talk with each other!
- Do ministry together. Visit a soup kitchen to help serve the less fortunate. Create care packages for soldiers. Send gifts of food and medicine to those in need around the world. Do some yard work for those in your church or community who can’t do it themselves. Volunteer to serve in the nursery at church (Guys, babies might seem messy, but if a girl sees you caring well for babies, you can score a ton of brownie points!).
- Cook a meal together. This can a lot cheaper, and a lot more fun, than simply going out all the time.
- Play games together. Board games, card games, even sports or video games can work. As long as you both enjoy it and it’s bringing you together (instead of the competition pushing you apart), then go for it!
- Create art together. Play with clay, paint a landscape, sketch with pencils, whatever! It doesn’t matter if the results are particularly beautiful or not; what matters is that you both enjoyed the time together.
This list is far from exhaustive. This is the work of one mind, based on what Song of Solomon has taught me, and what I’ve learned in the adventure of life. I’m sure that you all have things to add to this list, so please do so in the comments! Share your wisdom with all of us!
In my own life, this was something I was clueless about all through high school. I had no sister, no close female friends, and no one who taught me how to attract women. As such, my few attempts to ask a girl out failed miserably. In college, when I finally did begin dating, I had no idea what I was doing and messed up my first relationship so badly that it ended after only 9 days. Tragically, I know I’m not alone in all of this.
So because there is a need, I offer you what I have learned in this area. Song of Solomon is full of examples of these kinds of things; we’ll see them frequently as we continue the study. But for now, I’ll pull them out and list them in bullet-points, to make it easier to deal with them all at once.
For starters, it’s helpful to orient our discussion around the Five Love Languages. If you haven’t read the book, do it: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
To summarize the book, there are basically five different ways that people give and express love: physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. People can vary widely as to which languages they prefer to give and receive. These languages are present strongly in the Song of Solomon; I will keep pointing them out as we continue studying this amazing book. Solomon and his bride speak these languages extremely well; they have much to teach us!
One of the keys to any romantic relationship is to know which love languages you speak, and which your partner speaks. Then, speak those languages! This goes for the committed relationships of marriage and engaged couples, as well as for those who are merely dating.
So let’s discuss these love languages, and how we can casually yet enjoyably speak them in dating:
Physical Touch
General Guidelines:
- Outside of marriage, be absolutely non-sexual. In other words, avoid doing 90% of the things you see done in Hollywood movies, or in romance on TV shows. As a general rule of thumb, you should not be touching anything that clothes normally cover. Capiche?
- The goal is to make the other person feel special, to create a bond, not to make them feel uncomfortable or used.
- Err on the side of caution. Instead of figuring out how much you can get away with, save as much as you can for marriage itself. You’ll be denying yourself a little bit of pleasure now, but you’ll be ensuring that you’ll be able to enjoy a lot more later on, and without so much emotional baggage to worry about. Few things leave deeper scars in failed relationships than going too far, physically, and the emotional abuse that usually happens to get there, or that follows.
- If physical touch matters to your partner, but not to you, go along with it anyway. Even if it doesn’t create sparks for you, it is for them, and they will be immensely grateful for your willingness to speak their language.
Specific Ideas:
- Look into each other’s eyes as you talk. I know, this isn’t exactly “touch,” but it is a physical aspect, and it does build a connection. In a day and age when face-to-face communication isn’t as dominant as it once was, it needs to be said: look into each other’s eyes, don’t look all over the place! Looking around while you talk, instead of looking in the eyes, creates the impression that you’re not secure about yourself, that you’re not interested in the other person, or that they intimidate you, none of which help build a connection!
- Give innocent, light touches. Guys, gently touch her back as you lead her through a doorway. Lightly touch an arm or shoulder as you make a point in conversation. If you find you agree on something in conversation, high-five!
- At the end of a date, give a light, casual hug. It’s best if these are side-hugs, or very short.
- Hold hands. This one is kind of obvious, but still: do it. (Caution: trying this before you’re an official “couple” miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight work, but usually it will only makes this awkward, and will leave one or both of you wondering which stage the relationship is actually at.)
- Cuddling together can work, but only if you keep things “G” rated. If you’re finding it hard to do so, best to skip it all together, and save it for later.
Gift Giving/Receiving
General Guidelines:
- Giving gifts shows the other person that you were thinking of them, which naturally builds chemistry.
- Don’t give what you want to receive. Give what they want to receive, even if it might seem silly to you.
- At the start of a relationship, don’t give anything expensive. Doing so can make things awkward, since you don’t really know each other yet, and it can make the other person feel like you are trying to get something from them by spending so much money on them.
- If you receive a gift you don’t particularly want, still be very appreciative for it, for the fact that they were thinking of you.
- A “practical” gift is not the same thing as a “thoughtful” gift. Unless the person you’re dealing with is very practical, don’t give things like power tools and car maintenance kits, and expect it to be romantic. Instead, give thoughtful gifts, things that are tailored to their specific likes and desires.
Specific Ideas:
- Give candy. Not necessary a box of expensive chocolates, but if you know she likes Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, buy two a wrap them up! For someone who loves receiving gifts, it can be a lot of fun to unwrap even something as little as this. And when she sees that you bought her favorite candy, you get bonus points for thoughtfulness! (Note: if she’s diabetic, this might not work so well).
- Tailor your gifts to events in their life. If they just completed a tough academic time, give them a victory package of goodies! If they just got a pet cat, give them a little kitty toy (or a bottle of ointment for claw scratches)! You get the idea. The more thoughtful the gift, the better!
- If they’ve been talking about something recently, like how they’d like to read a new book or wondering whether a band’s new CD will be any good, take the hint and buy them this as a gift. (Pro tip: keep the receipt, just in case. Given that dating is less committed than marriage, you might not be the only one who wants to give this as a gift, and the person might also have bought it themselves without telling you. Don’t worry if this happens and you have to return your copy; most likely, they’ll be very touched that you paid attention and took the effort. That’s still a win!)
- As the relationship progresses, jewelry is an appropriate gift to give. It’s a little weird to drop this kind of cash right at the start, but if you want to commemorate a three-month anniversary, a little bit of jewelry can go a long way!
- Give gifts that commemorate special events you two have shared as a couple.
- Flowers are a big hit with girls. They shouldn’t be given only as apologies, as they are in many shows; rather, give them just to show that you like her, that you were thinking of her, that their beauty reminded you of her.
- Girls, this may come as a shock, but guys like games. Sports, video games, board games, and on and on; it’s different with each guy. Figure out what games he likes, then give gifts along those lines: tickets to a game, a new expansion to his favorite board game, a video game that’s safe for you both to enjoy together, etc.
Words of Affirmation
General Guidelines
- At the core, this is about building each other up with your words, building connections between you with your words, and showing that you’re safe with each other by building up trust.
- Praise specific things; do not be vague in your praise!
- Make special effort to compliment those things that your partner feels are their flaws.
- It’s called “encouragement” for a reason; our words have the power to build courage in others. Use this power to build your partner up!
- Try to avoid criticism; your partner wants to see that you care for them and respect them, not that you’re trying to audition for the role of personal life coach. If you do criticize, give three sincere, well thought-out compliments for every derogatory thing you say.
- Words have a tremendous amount of power, even if all you’re doing is choosing not to use them. Use this power to strengthen your relationship, not tear it down.
Specific Ideas:
- Guys, continually tell women how beautiful they are. There are a few cautions that go with this, as we’ve already explored in Song of Solomon 1, but generally, women can’t hear this enough. If your date has gone to special effort to look nice for a particular event, make sure to compliment her!
- Compliment things that they have control over. For example, it’s okay to compliment someone’s eyes, but they didn’t really do anything to get those eyes. It’s not a terribly personal compliment. Instead, if it’s obvious that they put a lot of work into their hair, tell them how good it looks! Guys, if you have enough fashion sense to recognize how much effort a woman put into her outfit for the evening, compliment her on how well it all works together!
- This dove-tails off of what was said in in the Physical Touch section, but to guys, especially: don’t compliment anything normally covered by clothes. That will get you to Awkward City in a flash. In a dating relationship, your thoughts shouldn’t be straying there, anyway!
- Girls, compliment a man on his accomplishments. Show him that you respect him. Guys love to be praised for battles they’ve just won, whether they be in sports, academics, work, in personal relationships, even in video and board games!
- If you love spending time together, tell them why. Tell your partner what specifically attracts you to them.
- When you see God working in their lives, or you see them doing something that instantly draws your attention to God, make sure to tell them! It should be the greatest compliment ever for a Christians to hear how their life reminded you of God!
Acts of Service
General Guidelines
- Acts of service tell someone that you care for them more than you care about your own selfish desires. You are sacrificing doing something that you want, in order to do something that they want. This can therefore speak volumes about how much you value them!
- Never do an act of service for someone out of a begrudging, complaining attitude. This will instantly remove any pleasantness from your act, making it a point of strife and contention in the relationship, rather than building it up.
- You won’t always feel like doing things for people. This is when your acts send the loudest message, for better or worse; it will either shout that you value yourself over them as you don’t do the act, or it will shout that you value them so much that you will gladly serve them even when it sorely inconveniences you.
- There is often a fine line between someone doing an act of service for you, and you taking advantage of them. Performing acts of service should never feel like slavery! There should never be punishment of any kind threatened if an act isn’t done, there should be no emotional abuse given if an act isn’t done perfectly, acts of service should never become requirements to get other benefits of the relationship, etc. A general guideline to avoid service abuse: the acts should be initiated by the person doing them, not the person who benefits from them. The person receiving should be grateful, not demanding.
- If an act is done for you, be grateful, and show that gratitude each time! If a person primarily gives love as acts of service, there are few things more deflating and disheartening than not being noticed or thanked for the acts that you do. Be thankful, and say so repeatedly, even if the act was not done perfectly.
Specific Ideas:
- Cooking meals is always welcome. It’s often said that the road a man’s heart leads through his stomach!
- If one or both of you have reached the stage in life where you’re living away from mom and dad (in a college dorm, an apartment, a house with other singles, etc.), doing acts to help others take care of their living space can be very welcome.
- People have skills in different areas. It’s very helpful to do things for them that they can’t do themselves. If a person has no clue how to care for a car, help them out! If they have no idea how to care for their computer, help them out! Caution: never do this in a haughty manner, being arrogant of how much you know. Do it generously, out of compassion and care, not out of a desire to make yourself look good.
- Regardless of whether or not a person prefers this love language normally, everyone appreciates this when they’re sick! Cook some chicken-noodle soup for them, clean up the house if they’re stuck in bed, go shopping for medicine and food, take care of errands they can’t, etc.
- If your partner is undergoing a busy or stressful time, help them out! This can include a busy academic time, something big at work, a family crisis or emergency, etc. Any time stress is on the rise, your help becomes more and more valuable. Pro tip: if a person is stressed, asking them “what can I do?” can actually lead to more stress, as they have to time out to figure out what to let you do. Instead, take a second to observe, and do what you see will be helpful.
- Giving advice can be helpful, if done rightly. Guys, if a girl starts talking to you about a problem she has, it’s likely that advice is the last thing she wants. Instead, she wants you to give her your ear, for you to listen to her and empathize with her. Often, this can be a better gift than any nugget of wisdom you could have dished out.
Quality Time
General Guidelines
- Quality time is mainly about just being together. Clear your schedule, and if distractions come up, ignore them. Make being together the top priority in your schedule, second only to your priority to spend time with God.
- Quality time is called “quality” for a reason. Quality time should be well spent getting to know each other, and enjoying your time together. Tailor what you do based on who you each are, and what you enjoy doing.
- Staring at a screen does not usually count as “quality” time. Movies and TV are nice, but you don’t get to know much about each while you sit passively and watch, without even talking to each other.
- Guys, quality time for a girl involves lots of words. Be verbal. Talk, even if you rarely talk otherwise!
- Girls, quality time for a guy often involves doing something together. Come up with things you can actively do together, and be willing to do things you wouldn’t normally, like going to a ball game surrounded by cheering, sweaty people.
- Girls, it can vastly improve quality time for a guy if you make a bit of an effort to look nice for your time together. I’m not saying you have to be a fashion queen, but just make an effort.
- This is key: in dating relationships, don't expect to dominate each other's time. Since you're not committed to each other in marriage, you still have separate lives to live. Don't always expect them to give up everything just to be with you; you're not at that stage, yet. Be patient. It can be a great sign of maturity to show that you are willing to be patient, that you trust them enough not to be with them constantly, and that you still have a life and identity outside of them. If you do demand to be with them constantly, you will likely smother them, and this just may push them away from you.
Specific Ideas:
- Ask lots of questions of each other. Ask lots of follow-up questions. Avoid simple yes/no questions; ask deep questions. Ask questions starting with who, what, where, when, why, and how. Ask questions about them; ask about their opinions, their hopes and fears, their dreams, their goals, their favorite ____, their family and friends, their enemies, their biggest lessons, etc. Point being: ASK!
- Prepare questions in advance, if you fear that your mind might blank while you’re with them. Generally this only happens in the early stages of a relationship, before you really know each other. If you are ever in a panic about what to ask, realize that this person has already lived a great number of years. Ask them something specific about their past! Also, since the walk with God is ongoing daily, ask them how their time with Jesus is going.
- Go on walks together. Rent a boat and sail around a lake. Go hiking. Sit on the shore and throw rocks across the water. Enjoying nature together can provide lots to look at, while giving you plenty of uninterrupted time to talk with each other!
- Do ministry together. Visit a soup kitchen to help serve the less fortunate. Create care packages for soldiers. Send gifts of food and medicine to those in need around the world. Do some yard work for those in your church or community who can’t do it themselves. Volunteer to serve in the nursery at church (Guys, babies might seem messy, but if a girl sees you caring well for babies, you can score a ton of brownie points!).
- Cook a meal together. This can a lot cheaper, and a lot more fun, than simply going out all the time.
- Play games together. Board games, card games, even sports or video games can work. As long as you both enjoy it and it’s bringing you together (instead of the competition pushing you apart), then go for it!
- Create art together. Play with clay, paint a landscape, sketch with pencils, whatever! It doesn’t matter if the results are particularly beautiful or not; what matters is that you both enjoyed the time together.
This list is far from exhaustive. This is the work of one mind, based on what Song of Solomon has taught me, and what I’ve learned in the adventure of life. I’m sure that you all have things to add to this list, so please do so in the comments! Share your wisdom with all of us!
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