[4][Others]
We will exult and rejoice in you;
we will extol your love more than wine;
rightly do they love you.
[She]
[5] I am very dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
[6] Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
because the sun has looked upon me.
My mother's sons were angry with me;
they made me keeper of the vineyards,
but my own vineyard I have not kept!
(Song of Solomon 1:5-6 ESV)
v5 - She is dark, but lovely. Dark - the standards of beauty back then claimed that tanned women were less than perfect, while the most beautiful women were pale. Rich women didn't have to work in the fields, and could stay in doors all day, avoiding the sun. Only poor women had to be in the fields.
Yet she says she is lovely. She has confidence in herself, in her unique kind of beauty, because of what follows in verse 8: her beloved regularly calls her "most beautiful among women." Guys, you need to know: most women are insecure about their appearance in some way. Yet when the people in a woman's life keep telling her that she is beautiful, she will gain confidence that she is, indeed, beautiful. In this case, her beloved Solomon, the man she knows and trusts, keeps praising her for her beauty, and her heart fills with confidence that he truly does see her as the "most beautiful among women."
Note that not everyone can say this. If a random guy on the street calls out to a woman and says "Hey, beautiful," it can be creepy. That man probably has selfish, dark motives in mind, rather than the love and compassion of a beloved spouse. There has to be some level of knowledge and trust before a woman sees this as a compliment, and not a questionable act of manipulation. (At times these requirements are lowered, such as when a woman is in a club specifically to hook up, and prefers that her potential bed-mate not know much about her, or her about him. But this isn't exactly what we're talking about, here).
This woman takes immense courage and confidence from her beloved's praising of her beauty. His words give her life and strengthen their bond. In quick hook-up settings, compliments can have a limited version of this effect, but it is nothing lasting. It's a shot of Red Bull instead of a nourishing meal: a quick burst of feeling, but it fades quickly, and can't last. Women, please do not be taken in by these cheap compliments, by words that are intended to get something from you, instead of give something to you!
Romance without knowledge is manipulation. Guys who cultivate romantic feelings in girls, without first getting to know the girl, are almost always seeking some selfish thing: a one-night stand, another notch in the bed post, etc. The girl can feel great to be complimented and pursued, but once he gets what he wants, she is left with little but pain and regret.
Notice also that there is a sharp difference between chemistry and the kind of manipulation I mentioned above. Chemistry is a necessary part of getting to know someone romantically; romance is hardly possible without it! Yet notice that in order for your heart to be in the necessary condition to feel chemistry, you have to feel safe with the person who is flirting with you. Chemistry is well and good, given that it is a delight felt by both people as they're getting to know each other.
Chemistry becomes manipulation when it's done without much knowledge, or with a selfish ulterior motive. Consider a man who meets a girl and instantly begins flirting and pouring on the chemistry. He knows nothing of her, except that he is attracted to her outward appearance. She knows nothing of him, except his outward appearance and the fact that he wants to hook up. In this situation, they won't experience love for each other; at best, they'll feel lust. How can you love someone if you don't know who they are?
For Christians who are seeking to meet someone, there has to be some level of getting to know each other before you start opening your heart up to each other. Note that frequently in this book, Solomon calls his wife "my sister" and "my friend." Single Christians should treat each other as brothers and sisters, as friends, as they initially get to know each other. Once you know enough about a person to realize this is a person you'd like to explore a relationship with, you can start ramping up the chemistry.
To put it another way: don't begin a Christian dating relationship with emotions, with chemistry, with selfish romance aiming to get something rather than servant romance aiming to give. Relationships that begin with a burst of emotion can be insanely enjoyable -- until the elation wears off and you realize that you don't really know anything about the person you're with. I know of one couple who began this way, but didn't really know each other. In their pre-marital counseling, after they were already engaged, the pastoral counselor asked them a serious question. Their views were so divergent that the man broke off the relationship, utterly shocked that his fiance could think that way. She had always believed that way, yet he had never gotten to know her. If he had started the relationship with questions rather than ramping up the chemistry as fast as possible, he could have saved them both a great deal of heartbreak.
In a different situation, there are many today who try to play the system, who try to take the pleasures of compliments and one-night stands, who try to get high on romantic, sexual feelings, while avoiding the consequences. They intentionally avoid any commitment, so they're not disappointed by the person leaving in the morning. For some, this works fairly well; they get their high, and they avoid the pain. Yet this is a shadow pleasure. It's a far cry from what this woman is experiencing with her beloved husband! She doesn't merely get a physical experience. He knows her, and she knows him. They know each other's strengths, as well as their weaknesses. They know, and they still love each other. She sees what could be an imperfection in her: her dark skin. No one wanted dark skin in that age. Yet he praises her for it. He doesn't say that she's just a 7 out of 10, good enough for a weekend hook-up, but nothing else. He calls her the most beautiful among women, and he calls her this consistently. She doesn't have to fear being rejected for her imperfections. She knows that she always has a man by her side who knows her, who loves her, and who isn't driven away by her supposed flaws. Instead, he cherishes her for her unique beauty; she is perfect to him. Compliments that flow from that kind of connection nourish and strengthen the soul!
And after that very long discussion, now we get back to verse 5!
"O daughters of Jerusalem" - she has a group of women around her, like every woman. These are probably the same as the chorus of the "others," who speak in verse 4, as well as the virgins she mentions in verse 3 (ESV footnotes). No one is an island.
Also, take note: these others include virgins. These virgins celebrate the happiness of their married friend -- they don't pity themselves and pretend to be happy for her. The temptation to throw a pity party for yourself is huge when everyone else is finding a spouse and you're not. Yet look at these friends. They celebrate their friend's happiness, which makes them exult and rejoice out loud. They are made happy by celebrating their friend! As Scripture tells us elsewhere, rejoice with those who rejoice! Don't believe the lies of the enemy that tell you to pity yourself unless you get exactly what you want. God has provided opportunities for you to be happy, even while single -- rejoice with your married friends in their love! It's the opposite of what we feel like doing, often, but God knows what He's doing. Choose to follow this path, and you will be happier than you are now.
Additionally, speaking as a man, it is one of the least attractive things ever to see a woman pity herself for her singleness. I don't mean to be heartless and attack a woman who's feeling bad; on the contrary, if you're throwing yourself a pity party because of your singleness, I want to give you hope and joy! But to do so, we have to explore why pity parties are so damaging, why they're so unattractive -- as well as why rejoicing singles are so attractive.
If there's a woman who is single who wants to be not single, yet she rejoices with her friends when they get hitched -- that's attractive. This rejoicing woman -- she isn't completely caught up in herself. She is focusing on others, rejoicing with them. The pitying woman is selfish, only caring about herself, which can make things awkward and less enjoyable for everyone around her. A single friend at a wedding who is shrouded in pity is a damp cloth on the festivities. She's saying that it doesn't matter that these two people have found each other; all that matters is me, and I'm still unhappy, so I'm going to let everyone know how uphappy I am. Women (and men), this is a time when your emotions lie to you. Emotions will tell you to pity yourself, that you have a right to be unhappy, but that's the worst option possible for yourself and for those around you. Fight pity, choose to rejoice with others, and everyone will be happier. And yes, it is a choice; even if your emotions are filling you with self-pity, you can choose to rejoice, you can choose to smile, you can choose to delight in your friends' love, and soon your emotions will follow your decision. After all, you have Jesus. You already have a love greater than what any human can give to you. That should enable you to rejoice at anytime. If you put pity for singleness above joy for God, then you're an idolator; you love yourself more than Jesus. That's the source of your sadness, not your singleness.
In short: women and men who pity themselves are selfish, and this is unattractive because it tells others that they'll continue to be selfish even in a relationship. Rather than focusing on others, rather than rejoicing with them, rather than cherishing God first in her heart, self-pitying people will continue to cherish themselves and their happiness first in their hearts, which will lead to no end of arguments, pain, loneliness, and bitterness in marriage. Those who rejoice with others in their happiness, who can smile even in the darkest times because Jesus loves them, are supremely attractive, because their heart is in the right place. A life spent with a person who has this others-focused heart will be a joy.
Anyway, back to verse 5. This woman is dark like the tents of Kedar, which were made of black goat-hair (ESV footnotes). The curtains of Solomon were no doubt beautiful, but apparently also dark. She doesn't want you to think that she's just slightly tanned; she's saying that she's been out in the sun so long that her skin has been baked over and over until it is as dark as black goat-hair.
v6 - She doesn't want people to stare at her because of her dark skin; she's very self-conscious about her appearance. She doesn't want to be pointed out in a crowd.
She explains why she's dark, how her brothers were angry with her and made her work outside. Her brothers were possibly selfish, lazy guys who didn't want to work the vineyard, so they made their sister do it. She kept the vineyards; they were an agrarian family, farmers all.
Yet she hasn't kept her own vineyard, a poetical way of saying that she hasn't been taking care of her physical appearance. Rather than buying dresses, wearing make-up, and doing her hair, she's been out in the fields, sweating, working. She doesn't look like the definition of beauty in this culture. If I remember correctly, at this time being slightly pudgy was a positive thing; it meant you were rich enough to eat more than a daily share of food, and you didn't have to do manual labor yourself. This woman is the opposite of that; she has to work in the fields daily just to get by.
In other words, she would never be on the cover of the beauty magazines of her day. The fashionable women who lived in the cities likely scoffed at her for not taking care of her body, of caring for her beauty. They would tell her that she should be self-conscious of her beauty; she hasn't earned the right to call herself beautiful, not by their standards.
But this woman rejoices because she doesn't live by the cultural standards. She doesn't care if these other people will call her beautiful.
She cares about her beloved, her husband, her Solomon. And he adores her unique form of beauty. He sees her as beautiful, as the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. This is her strength.
Men, realize the power you have to make your beloved woman feel good about herself! If you aren't telling her how gorgeous she is to you, tell her! Then tell her again! And don't stop until you die!
Women, a lot of this can seem counter-cultural, so I just want to tell you a story. A few years ago two friends and I were watching the first season of LOST. After one episode, one of the guys casually mentioned how pretty he thought one of the actresses was. This led to a slight argument -- the other two of us didn't agree. We each thought a different actress was more beautiful. We came to realize that we each thought a different girl was the prettiest on the show, and we thought it was just obvious that it was the case. It showed us quite clearly that we each had very different standards of what we thought made a girl pretty. We didn't understand why we each saw it so differently, but we at least had to admit that there wasn't one standard of beauty between us.
Culture today tries to tell you what makes you beautiful, that you have to look like all the famous women. Don't buy it for a second. God has given every woman a unique form of beauty. That doesn't mean that He made some women beautiful, while others are less so. It means that to the man you marry, you will be perfect. Every individual woman will be the standard of makes a woman beautiful -- to her husband. But even bigger than that, every woman should know that her God in Heaven loves her and cherishes her beauty, because God gave that beauty to her. Every woman is made in the image of God (Gen 1); thus, God sees some of His own beauty in each of you. Every woman should know that she is the handiwork of God, the craftsmanship of the One who created the universe (Eph. 2:10). In the eyes of God, you are beautiful; in the eyes of God, you are loved!
Men, for you, all of this means that you don't have a standard of what makes a woman beautiful until you are married to her. Then that woman becomes your only standard of what beauty is. You will undoubtedly be attracted to her long before you slip a ring on her finger, but once you marry her, you need to ask God to keep your heart focused on her, to keep her as your standard of beauty. I'll talk about this more in a later post, but for now let me simply say that your heart is fully capable of seeing your bride as the most beautiful among women, throughout the whole of your marriage. If you don't, if your heart isn't there, it's because you are selfishly letting it stray. If this is true, pray to God for the grace to turn your heart back to the women you pledged your life to.
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