Song of Solomon 1:12-14: Oasis

[She]

[12] While the king was on his couch,

my nard gave forth its fragrance.

[13] My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh

that lies between my breasts.

[14] My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms

in the vineyards of Engedi.

(Song of Solomon 1:12-14 ESV)

This passage seems to me to celebrate the man and woman delighting in each other as they relax together.  They aren't doing anything other than reclining on a couch, talking to each other.  This section isn't about action.  Rather, it's about emotion.  

This kind of thing is vital to any romantic relationship.  There is a simple, tender, nearly transcendent joy of cuddling with a loved one and telling each other of your love for each other.  

v12 - "While the king was on his couch," She loves referring to Solomon as "the king."  This is his official position, but it has also become a pet name for them.  And, personally speaking, every man feels like (or wants to feel like) the kind of his private domain, whatever that is (house, business, car, farm, whatever).  A woman tenderly calling her man "king" will likely boost the heart of every man.  

This also indicates something about the heart of women, that they love celebrating their man's success.  If her man is king, or a president of VP of a company, or a teacher, or a boss, or an artist, or a writer, or a pastor, whatever he does, whatever title he holds, whatever respect he has earned, she wants to celebrate with him.  You can see this in any church or social setting where you meet a married couple.  Ask them what they do, and 9 times out of 10, the woman will jump at the chance to tell you all about her husband, his position, what he does.  

The old cliche is true: women love men in power.  Or, perhaps more accurately phrased, women love it when their man has power.  That's not to say that each man has to be a President or VP to get a woman, but it is saying that women like it when a man reaches high, when he strives, when he achieves.  The job should never get in the way of the relationship; this woman would hate it if Solomon spent all of his time on the throne instead of with her.  But she loves that her man strives, achieves, and succeeds.  He uses his power to do great things.  He has earned respect.  She loves this in her man, as all women do!

And right now, this king is reclining on his couch.  He's not lazy; he accomplishes a great deal.  But right now, he's relaxing, and she's cuddled up with him.

"my nard gave forth its fragrance."  Her nard gives forth its fragrance; the two are bathed in its smell.  As any man knows, the smell of your woman is precious.  This was depicted well on the TV show Monk; after his wife passed away, he kept a pillow of hers sealed away in a plastic bag, just so he could unzip it and smell the fragrance of her shampoo again.  He hadn't particularly liked the smell before, but now that she was gone, he loved it simply because it reminded him of her, of her being close.  That kind of smell becomes precious; it binds you two together.

To take this to another level, women, take your man shopping and have him pick out perfume for you.  Men, have your woman pick out your deodorant, your cologne.  Pick out fragrances that are pleasing to each other.  Whenever you smell that particular smell in the future, you'll think of each other, you'll know this is a part of life that you've chosen to share with each other.  It's often these little things, something as small as a scent, that can help knit you together.

v13 - "My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts." Here she draws a very intimate metaphor.  This sachet of myrrh would give off a very pleasing scent, and its location is obvious very intimate.  She's saying that she adores her man's scent; she wants to be reminded of it always, and she wants it close.  She wants him close, intimate.  If a woman wears perfume like this, that scent is always with her; all day long, it is delightfully present.  That's what she wants her man to be; all day long, she wants him to be delightfully present.

She wants him to be this way -- and she rejoices because he is.  She doesn't have to plead or cajole; her man is already there, with her, right where he wants to be.  

Men, please hear this: your woman doesn't primarily want you to be working and earning money for her.  She wants you to be there with her.  Forget the cultural lies that you have to work overtime and weekends to give your family money.  They don't want piles of cash.  They want you, home, with them.  A long cuddle is far more precious than a credit card!

v14 - "My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi."  Again, she compares her beloved man to something precious, sweet-smelling, and beautiful: henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.  Henna blossoms are remarkably fragrant; they've been used in perfumes since 1500 B.C.!

Side note: gentlemen, note how often the woman compares her man to flowers and sweet fragrances.  This is a not-so-subtle hint that women really like flowers!  Give them flowers!

Engedi is an oasis, a place of peace, shade, coolness, and refreshment in the midst of a desert.  It's a great place to get away, and it seems that this woman and Solomon frequently took trips to Engedi, to get away from it all.  She enjoys and treasures her man, comparing him to the beauty of this romantic place.  

In addition to fragrances, we often associate things and places with a beloved person.  It could be that Solomon frequently gave her clusters of henna blossoms; this was a regular present to her, a reminder of the enjoyable times they've spent at Engedi together.  Even the mention of Engedi's name, or seeing its flowers, is enough to bring the mind back to those enjoyable, peaceful, romantic times together.  

So men and women: do little things to remind your beloved of your fond memories together.  Send special flowers; maybe you always give her lavender sprigs, or maybe she grew up on a farm where dafodils were everywhere.  If you took your honeymoon at a ski resort, give a little pair of skis in the shape of a heart.  If there's a special song you have always enjoyed together, send a little guitar that plays that song at the press of a button.  These little gifts and gestures can be great help in keeping romance alive, in putting romantic sparks into an otherwise ordinary day.  

How do I get this specific application from this one verse?  I ask: why does she choose to say henna blossoms, and why mention Engedi?  Most likely, it's because these things have personal connection and meaning for both of them.  

(To give credit where credit is due, the next two paragraphs are pretty much straight-up copied from Driscoll's sermon on this chapter).  Engedi -- this is an oasis in the middle of a desert.  Guys view their lives as a desert, a battleground.  They want to come home to Engedi, to an oasis.  Wives, work to make sure this is possible.  Instead of barraging your husband with a thousand requests the moment he comes in the door, give him some time.  Let him relax, unwind.  I love the story of a guy who came home, found nachos and a drink waiting for him by his favorite chair, with his wife saying, "Welcome home, I know you've had a hard day, relax."  He just said, "I love that woman."  Women, this is a way straight into your man's heart: make your home an oasis for him.

Men, ask your wives how you can make your home an oasis for her.  If she's been home with the kids all day, she needs a different kind of escape.  Make sure she has it.  If you're both working, make sure that the time you spend together at home is an oasis, rather than a business meeting where you deal with things that need to be done around the house.  Don't take out your frustrations on each other.  Feel free to vent to each other, but don't take negative emotions from work and transplant them onto your spouse.  Don't extend work into your relationship with each other.  Escape from it with each other.  (This ends the Driscoll portion).

Men and women, seek to keep your relationship healthy, such that you are an oasis for each other.  For this woman, her man is this oasis.  Just by being with him, she gets away from it all.  She enjoys their love, she enjoys him, that much.

To maintain this Engedi with each other, you have to keep the relationship healthy.  When conflict comes up, you must deal with it in a fair manner -- as Song of Solomon will deal with in a little bit.  You cannot suppress conflict or avoid it.  You cannot hold onto grudges and become bitter; you must forgive, even if the other person doesn't deserve it, because you never deserved to be forgiven by Jesus for all that you've done to Him.  You must seek to serve your beloved, instead of demanding that your needs be met first.  You must speak their love language.  You must care for them in every way you can.  You love and respect each other.  Your love must be unconditional; there is nothing the other person could ever do to make you stop loving them.

If you keep your relationship healthy, you will be an oasis for each other.  If your beloved knows that you love them above all others, and they see this demonstrated every day by the way that you treat them, you will be their oasis, and they will be yours.

But if you behave selfishly towards each other and view the other person as your means to happiness (read: your slave whose job it is to make you happy), then no, you won't be a refreshing escape for each other.  You'll be an emotional drag until your individual selfishnesses happen to line up and you do something you both want to do.  But after it's over, you'll be right back at seeing the other person as your slave, because you never left there.  You may never think the word "slave" in relation to them, but it's what they are: you expect them to make you happy, and if they're not making you happy, then you're angry with them for failing in their duty.  That's a slave.  And it's death to romance.  True love requires being a servant.  Or better said: true love has no one greater than a person who lays down their life for another.

Alternatively, you might view the other as your prostitute.  You might not view yourself as having a commitment; you both just get together when you want to feel good.  Regardless of what labels you give yourself (boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits, married, whatever), if you only trade time together for pleasurable experiences, then you are primarily selfish, using them as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves.  If this is the case, then you are just a prostitute for each other.  Instead of paying in cash, you pay with a dinner, or with a label like "girlfriend," or as just a warm body to be next to so you don't feel lonely, or as a place-holder relationship to keep you from feeling like a depressed single person even though you know there's no future there, or with any number of other payments.  If there's no commitment, if you're not one, if you're two individuals rather than one couple, you're just prostituting yourselves, selling yourself for goods or services or experiences.  You're denying yourself the immense joys of a commited relationship.  

You can't experience Engedi with a prostitute. You can't experience the joy of someone knowing you and choosing to serve you, even when you don't deserve it, just because they love you, and you can't experience the joy of serving them back.  True love is a relationship, a commitment; it's not simply an experience or a feeling.  It certainly involves a great many experiences and feelings, but true love is far, far more than that.