Song of Solomon 1:12-14: Oasis

[She]

[12] While the king was on his couch,

my nard gave forth its fragrance.

[13] My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh

that lies between my breasts.

[14] My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms

in the vineyards of Engedi.

(Song of Solomon 1:12-14 ESV)

This passage seems to me to celebrate the man and woman delighting in each other as they relax together.  They aren't doing anything other than reclining on a couch, talking to each other.  This section isn't about action.  Rather, it's about emotion.  

This kind of thing is vital to any romantic relationship.  There is a simple, tender, nearly transcendent joy of cuddling with a loved one and telling each other of your love for each other.  

v12 - "While the king was on his couch," She loves referring to Solomon as "the king."  This is his official position, but it has also become a pet name for them.  And, personally speaking, every man feels like (or wants to feel like) the kind of his private domain, whatever that is (house, business, car, farm, whatever).  A woman tenderly calling her man "king" will likely boost the heart of every man.  

This also indicates something about the heart of women, that they love celebrating their man's success.  If her man is king, or a president of VP of a company, or a teacher, or a boss, or an artist, or a writer, or a pastor, whatever he does, whatever title he holds, whatever respect he has earned, she wants to celebrate with him.  You can see this in any church or social setting where you meet a married couple.  Ask them what they do, and 9 times out of 10, the woman will jump at the chance to tell you all about her husband, his position, what he does.  

The old cliche is true: women love men in power.  Or, perhaps more accurately phrased, women love it when their man has power.  That's not to say that each man has to be a President or VP to get a woman, but it is saying that women like it when a man reaches high, when he strives, when he achieves.  The job should never get in the way of the relationship; this woman would hate it if Solomon spent all of his time on the throne instead of with her.  But she loves that her man strives, achieves, and succeeds.  He uses his power to do great things.  He has earned respect.  She loves this in her man, as all women do!

And right now, this king is reclining on his couch.  He's not lazy; he accomplishes a great deal.  But right now, he's relaxing, and she's cuddled up with him.

"my nard gave forth its fragrance."  Her nard gives forth its fragrance; the two are bathed in its smell.  As any man knows, the smell of your woman is precious.  This was depicted well on the TV show Monk; after his wife passed away, he kept a pillow of hers sealed away in a plastic bag, just so he could unzip it and smell the fragrance of her shampoo again.  He hadn't particularly liked the smell before, but now that she was gone, he loved it simply because it reminded him of her, of her being close.  That kind of smell becomes precious; it binds you two together.

To take this to another level, women, take your man shopping and have him pick out perfume for you.  Men, have your woman pick out your deodorant, your cologne.  Pick out fragrances that are pleasing to each other.  Whenever you smell that particular smell in the future, you'll think of each other, you'll know this is a part of life that you've chosen to share with each other.  It's often these little things, something as small as a scent, that can help knit you together.

v13 - "My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts." Here she draws a very intimate metaphor.  This sachet of myrrh would give off a very pleasing scent, and its location is obvious very intimate.  She's saying that she adores her man's scent; she wants to be reminded of it always, and she wants it close.  She wants him close, intimate.  If a woman wears perfume like this, that scent is always with her; all day long, it is delightfully present.  That's what she wants her man to be; all day long, she wants him to be delightfully present.

She wants him to be this way -- and she rejoices because he is.  She doesn't have to plead or cajole; her man is already there, with her, right where he wants to be.  

Men, please hear this: your woman doesn't primarily want you to be working and earning money for her.  She wants you to be there with her.  Forget the cultural lies that you have to work overtime and weekends to give your family money.  They don't want piles of cash.  They want you, home, with them.  A long cuddle is far more precious than a credit card!

v14 - "My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi."  Again, she compares her beloved man to something precious, sweet-smelling, and beautiful: henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.  Henna blossoms are remarkably fragrant; they've been used in perfumes since 1500 B.C.!

Side note: gentlemen, note how often the woman compares her man to flowers and sweet fragrances.  This is a not-so-subtle hint that women really like flowers!  Give them flowers!

Engedi is an oasis, a place of peace, shade, coolness, and refreshment in the midst of a desert.  It's a great place to get away, and it seems that this woman and Solomon frequently took trips to Engedi, to get away from it all.  She enjoys and treasures her man, comparing him to the beauty of this romantic place.  

In addition to fragrances, we often associate things and places with a beloved person.  It could be that Solomon frequently gave her clusters of henna blossoms; this was a regular present to her, a reminder of the enjoyable times they've spent at Engedi together.  Even the mention of Engedi's name, or seeing its flowers, is enough to bring the mind back to those enjoyable, peaceful, romantic times together.  

So men and women: do little things to remind your beloved of your fond memories together.  Send special flowers; maybe you always give her lavender sprigs, or maybe she grew up on a farm where dafodils were everywhere.  If you took your honeymoon at a ski resort, give a little pair of skis in the shape of a heart.  If there's a special song you have always enjoyed together, send a little guitar that plays that song at the press of a button.  These little gifts and gestures can be great help in keeping romance alive, in putting romantic sparks into an otherwise ordinary day.  

How do I get this specific application from this one verse?  I ask: why does she choose to say henna blossoms, and why mention Engedi?  Most likely, it's because these things have personal connection and meaning for both of them.  

(To give credit where credit is due, the next two paragraphs are pretty much straight-up copied from Driscoll's sermon on this chapter).  Engedi -- this is an oasis in the middle of a desert.  Guys view their lives as a desert, a battleground.  They want to come home to Engedi, to an oasis.  Wives, work to make sure this is possible.  Instead of barraging your husband with a thousand requests the moment he comes in the door, give him some time.  Let him relax, unwind.  I love the story of a guy who came home, found nachos and a drink waiting for him by his favorite chair, with his wife saying, "Welcome home, I know you've had a hard day, relax."  He just said, "I love that woman."  Women, this is a way straight into your man's heart: make your home an oasis for him.

Men, ask your wives how you can make your home an oasis for her.  If she's been home with the kids all day, she needs a different kind of escape.  Make sure she has it.  If you're both working, make sure that the time you spend together at home is an oasis, rather than a business meeting where you deal with things that need to be done around the house.  Don't take out your frustrations on each other.  Feel free to vent to each other, but don't take negative emotions from work and transplant them onto your spouse.  Don't extend work into your relationship with each other.  Escape from it with each other.  (This ends the Driscoll portion).

Men and women, seek to keep your relationship healthy, such that you are an oasis for each other.  For this woman, her man is this oasis.  Just by being with him, she gets away from it all.  She enjoys their love, she enjoys him, that much.

To maintain this Engedi with each other, you have to keep the relationship healthy.  When conflict comes up, you must deal with it in a fair manner -- as Song of Solomon will deal with in a little bit.  You cannot suppress conflict or avoid it.  You cannot hold onto grudges and become bitter; you must forgive, even if the other person doesn't deserve it, because you never deserved to be forgiven by Jesus for all that you've done to Him.  You must seek to serve your beloved, instead of demanding that your needs be met first.  You must speak their love language.  You must care for them in every way you can.  You love and respect each other.  Your love must be unconditional; there is nothing the other person could ever do to make you stop loving them.

If you keep your relationship healthy, you will be an oasis for each other.  If your beloved knows that you love them above all others, and they see this demonstrated every day by the way that you treat them, you will be their oasis, and they will be yours.

But if you behave selfishly towards each other and view the other person as your means to happiness (read: your slave whose job it is to make you happy), then no, you won't be a refreshing escape for each other.  You'll be an emotional drag until your individual selfishnesses happen to line up and you do something you both want to do.  But after it's over, you'll be right back at seeing the other person as your slave, because you never left there.  You may never think the word "slave" in relation to them, but it's what they are: you expect them to make you happy, and if they're not making you happy, then you're angry with them for failing in their duty.  That's a slave.  And it's death to romance.  True love requires being a servant.  Or better said: true love has no one greater than a person who lays down their life for another.

Alternatively, you might view the other as your prostitute.  You might not view yourself as having a commitment; you both just get together when you want to feel good.  Regardless of what labels you give yourself (boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits, married, whatever), if you only trade time together for pleasurable experiences, then you are primarily selfish, using them as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves.  If this is the case, then you are just a prostitute for each other.  Instead of paying in cash, you pay with a dinner, or with a label like "girlfriend," or as just a warm body to be next to so you don't feel lonely, or as a place-holder relationship to keep you from feeling like a depressed single person even though you know there's no future there, or with any number of other payments.  If there's no commitment, if you're not one, if you're two individuals rather than one couple, you're just prostituting yourselves, selling yourself for goods or services or experiences.  You're denying yourself the immense joys of a commited relationship.  

You can't experience Engedi with a prostitute. You can't experience the joy of someone knowing you and choosing to serve you, even when you don't deserve it, just because they love you, and you can't experience the joy of serving them back.  True love is a relationship, a commitment; it's not simply an experience or a feeling.  It certainly involves a great many experiences and feelings, but true love is far, far more than that.  

Delayed!

Greetings, all! So I've been at the Desiring God Pastor's Conference all week, which has really cut into my blog writing time. Nevertheless, I'll have a new SoS post up in a few hours. I hope you'll enjoy it!

Song of Solomon 1:9-11: Jewelry and War Horses

[HE]

[9] I compare you, my love,
to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.
[10] Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,
your neck with strings of jewels.


[OTHERS]
[11] We will make for you ornaments of gold,
studded with silver.


(Song of Solomon 1:9-11 ESV)

After this playful, flirtatious exchange in verses 7-8, Solomon praises the beauty of his bride: "I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharoah's chariots."

Note that Solomon and his bride have a number of pet names for each other: my love, my beloved, most beautiful among women, etc.  As should surprise no one, pet names are greatly enjoyable for couples, and are vitally important for building a communal identity, for becoming one.  These nick-names need to be shared between only each other; if a man calls every beautiful woman "my love," his wife sure isn't going to feel anything special from it.  But if she's the only woman in the world whom he calls "my love" and "my beauty," she is going to delight in those words.  Likewise, if a woman calls her husband "my beloved," a title that no one else receives, that man is going to treasure her words.  They will empower him and fill his spirit!

In a related note, how amazing is it that God has a unique name for each of us, a name that only He knows (Rev 2:17)?  He will tell it to us at the end of this world and the beginning of the next.  It will show us how much He loves us; a unique name for each of His children.  We are not lost in a crowd; we are loved individually, personally, fully, beautifully!

He compares his love to mare among Pharoah's chariots.  Pharoah's chariots were pulled by strong horses, the best of the nation.  They were usually all males, as befit a war horse.  So when a mare, a female horse, walks among them, each stallion perks up and tries to impress her.  (This point is said wonderfully by Driscoll in his sermon on this chapter).  Solomon is saying that his woman is the kind of woman that, when she walks into a room, all the heads turn.  If she were single, all the men would be trying to impress her.  She is the center of attention; she is beautiful, exciting, a treasure worth fighting for!  This is a tremendous compliment to the woman; she is so beautiful that she draws every eye after her.  This would excite her, compliment her, elevate her, highly esteem her.

And this similarly excites the man.  Every man wants to be with that woman.  He feels like a true man if the woman on his arm is so captivating that people can not help but stare after her.  This is why every man is drawn to these women; they recognize that she is a treasure above all the rest.  The man whom she chooses, who she gives her heart to, is immensely blessed.  

Add to this what we've already learned about this woman: she does not fit the cultural standard of beauty.  She's dark, when "beauty" was considered to be light skin.  She has a long neck, something others would consider a flaw.  Yet to Solomon, she is perfect.  Solomon treats her as if she is the most beautiful woman on the planet, because to him, she is!  And because she feels this way when she's around him, she naturally carries the confidence of a woman who knows she is beautiful.  Thus, when men see her enter the room, even if she doesn't look like the covers of their magazines, they still see her confidence, they see how glad Solomon is to have her on his arm, and they recognize that there is a lot of beauty, there.  

In verse 10, Solomon praises her for how beautiful she is while wearing jewelry: "Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels."  It is perfectly natural and right for a woman to adorn herself with jewels, especially to please her husband.  This is right and good in the eyes of the LORD, and it delights the heart of a man when his woman dresses up for him!  When a woman makes an effort to look beautiful, her man appreciates it.  I'm not saying she has to spend all of her time in a spa, and there is certainly nothing wrong with wearing sweats around the house.  But if a woman only wears sweats around the house, and only dresses up when they're going out, the man kind of feels neglected.  It sends the message that he's not important enough to dress up for, but their friends and family are.  The woman who realizes this and dresses up when only her husband will see her -- this woman will delight the heart of her man!

It is thus natural and good for men to give women jewelry, and for women to enjoy wearing it.  This has been wired into us by our Creator, for our enjoyment and His glory!   

It needs to be mentioned how 1 Peter 3:3 in the New Testament commands woman not to let their adornment be from braided hair and jewelry.  This goes hand-in-hand with this passage in Song of Solomon.  Peter is not saying that it's always wrong to wear jewelry; far from it!  This passage disproves that entirely.  What Peter is saying is that a woman's beauty should not come primarily from these outward trappings.  Plenty of women appear beautiful due to their skin, their make-up, their jewelry, their clothing.  This attracts attention.  But then you dig down beneath the surface and realize that this woman is selfish, arrogant, demanding, nit-picky, catty, and vicious.  That woman is not beautiful, no matter how she appears on the surface.  

Contrarily, consider a woman like Solomon's bride.  She is beautiful on the inside; her character is excellent, her delight is pure and genuine, she seeks to please and honor her man as much as he seeks to please and honor her.  They love and respect each other; they're not using each other.  They both love God.  They have solid webs of friends supporting them, because they are fun, enjoyable, giving people.  When you take a woman like this, a woman whose beauty shines from her inner spirit, and deck her out in jewelry, she is beautiful from the inside out.  This is the only kind of true beauty available in the world.  These days, anyone can look beautiful on the outside, what with plastic surgery, make-up, dieting, etc.  Yet very few are cultivating this inner spirit, this quiet heart before God, that makes a woman so beautiful.  

(Important clarification: this "quiet spirit" does not mean a woman doesn't talk and sits back as a meek, lesser creature.  Just read the Song of Solomon!  The woman is speaking for the majority of this book!  She initiates a lot of this action, and it delights her man!  And this is included in Scripture as being praiseworthy!  A quiet spirit rather means that she isn't the center of her world.  God is her center, and she seeks to serve, rather than demanding that she be served.  This is the attitude that every Christian, both men and women, should have.  It is, after all, the attitude Jesus Himself had when He came to earth.)

In short, jewelry is icing on the cake.  If the cake beneath is delicious, then it works together beautifully and is highly enjoyable.  If the cake is disgusting, then no matter how good the frosting looks, it's still repulsive.  All you can do is kind of scrape off the icing and just try to enjoy that without going too deep, enjoying how the woman looks and trying to ignore who she is, underneath.  That kind of enjoyment does not last long, and it's likely part of the reason why our culture is so big on one-night hookups; that way you get to enjoy the frosting, without having to deal with the person underneath.  That may feel good for a moment on the weekend, but during the week, when you're lonely, it brings little consolation.

And then in verse 11, the group of friends addresses the woman: "We will make for you ornaments of gold, studded with silver."  They see how much her man enjoys the look of her in jewelry, so they make more for her.  They not only celebrate the love of their friends, but they actively contribute to it, creating new jewelry for them to enjoy together!  

These are absolutely amazing friends, if you ask me.  They have the same attitude as the woman, seeking not to be served, but to serve.  The woman has already crafted her beauty in her character and personality; the friends are now enjoying the chance to participate in their friend's beauty, to add a lovely piece of gold and silver that reflects the beauty she already has within.  Friends like this are priceless!  

So single people: seek to be these friends!  Participate in the romance of your friends.  Don't be an annoying third wheel who always gets in the way, but rather seek to accentuate their relationship.  See what designs you can craft on the icing of their cake!  Ladies, give a gift of jewelry to a female friend who's in a relationship, or help her shop for a new outfit, or give some nice make-up.  Whatever you do, make sure that your friend knows why you're giving it!  Guys, give a bottle of cologne to a guy friend who's dating a lady, or help him plan out an elaborate date, or offer to be his go-to guy if he needs help in a pinch.  If your friends are married and have kids, offer to watch their kids for free for an evening so mom and dad can go out together.  There's an endless stream of thoughtful things that single people can do to bless their friends in relationships!

Not only does this bless your friends in their relationship, but it's also one of the best ways I know of to avoid becoming bitter over not having a relationship, yourself.  It's kind of the same effect that you have when you watch a romantic comedy and find yourself rooting for the characters.  You're invested in them, you know their story, you're participating emotionally, so it's almost like their story becomes part of your story.  So if you enjoy watching movies where couples in love get together, why not actively participate in the relationships of your friends, and receive an even bigger joy?

Caution: if your friends ever tell you you're being involved in their relationship a little too much, back away slightly.  Don't bow out fully, and try not to take offense; after all, the goal here is to help them, not use them to help yourself.  But graciously, God has designed us such that when we help our friends, it benefits us, as well.  So be creative, and find ways that you can bless your friends in a relationship.  I guarantee you, it's far better than moping at home, alone!

Song of Solomon Interlude One: Chemistry and Romance

After studying SoS 1:7-8, where the happy couple flirts like mad, I thought it would be helpful to discuss how those who are not married can still build chemistry safely in relationships.  I wish I could just say that this was a normal thing everybody learns, but sadly we can’t assume that, anymore.  For one thing, our culture is saturated with horribly wrong examples of chemistry, such that if you learn romance from movies and TV shows, you’ll end up with all kinds of trouble.

In my own life, this was something I was clueless about all through high school.  I had no sister, no close female friends, and no one who taught me how to attract women.  As such, my few attempts to ask a girl out failed miserably.  In college, when I finally did begin dating, I had no idea what I was doing and messed up my first relationship so badly that it ended after only 9 days.  Tragically, I know I’m not alone in all of this.

So because there is a need, I offer you what I have learned in this area.  Song of Solomon is full of examples of these kinds of things; we’ll see them frequently as we continue the study.  But for now, I’ll pull them out and list them in bullet-points, to make it easier to deal with them all at once.

For starters, it’s helpful to orient our discussion around the Five Love Languages.  If you haven’t read the book, do it: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  
To summarize the book, there are basically five different ways that people give and express love: physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation.  People can vary widely as to which languages they prefer to give and receive.  These languages are present strongly in the Song of Solomon; I will keep pointing them out as we continue studying this amazing book.  Solomon and his bride speak these languages extremely well; they have much to teach us!

One of the keys to any romantic relationship is to know which love languages you speak, and which your partner speaks.  Then, speak those languages!  This goes for the committed relationships of marriage and engaged couples, as well as for those who are merely dating.  

So let’s discuss these love languages, and how we can casually yet enjoyably speak them in dating:


Physical Touch
General Guidelines:
- Outside of marriage, be absolutely non-sexual.  In other words, avoid doing 90% of the things you see done in Hollywood movies, or in romance on TV shows.  As a general rule of thumb, you should not be touching anything that clothes normally cover.  Capiche?
- The goal is to make the other person feel special, to create a bond, not to make them feel uncomfortable or used.  
- Err on the side of caution.  Instead of figuring out how much you can get away with, save as much as you can for marriage itself.  You’ll be denying yourself a little bit of pleasure now, but you’ll be ensuring that you’ll be able to enjoy a lot more later on, and without so much emotional baggage to worry about.  Few things leave deeper scars in failed relationships than going too far, physically, and the emotional abuse that usually happens to get there, or that follows.  
- If physical touch matters to your partner, but not to you, go along with it anyway.  Even if it doesn’t create sparks for you, it is for them, and they will be immensely grateful for your willingness to speak their language.

Specific Ideas:
- Look into each other’s eyes as you talk.  I know, this isn’t exactly “touch,” but it is a physical aspect, and it does build a connection.  In a day and age when face-to-face communication isn’t as dominant as it once was, it needs to be said: look into each other’s eyes, don’t look all over the place!  Looking around while you talk, instead of looking in the eyes, creates the impression that you’re not secure about yourself, that you’re not interested in the other person, or that they intimidate you, none of which help build a connection!
- Give innocent, light touches.  Guys, gently touch her back as you lead her through a doorway.  Lightly touch an arm or shoulder as you make a point in conversation.  If you find you agree on something in conversation, high-five!  
- At the end of a date, give a light, casual hug.  It’s best if these are side-hugs, or very short.  
- Hold hands.  This one is kind of obvious, but still: do it.  (Caution: trying this before you’re an official “couple” miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight work, but usually it will only makes this awkward, and will leave one or both of you wondering which stage the relationship is actually at.)
- Cuddling together can work, but only if you keep things “G” rated.  If you’re finding it hard to do so, best to skip it all together, and save it for later.


Gift Giving/Receiving
General Guidelines:
- Giving gifts shows the other person that you were thinking of them, which naturally builds chemistry.
- Don’t give what you want to receive.  Give what they want to receive, even if it might seem silly to you.
- At the start of a relationship, don’t give anything expensive.  Doing so can make things awkward, since you don’t really know each other yet, and it can make the other person feel like you are trying to get something from them by spending so much money on them.
- If you receive a gift you don’t particularly want, still be very appreciative for it, for the fact that they were thinking of you.  
- A “practical” gift is not the same thing as a “thoughtful” gift.  Unless the person you’re dealing with is very practical, don’t give things like power tools and car maintenance kits, and expect it to be romantic.  Instead, give thoughtful gifts, things that are tailored to their specific likes and desires.  

Specific Ideas:
- Give candy.  Not necessary a box of expensive chocolates, but if you know she likes Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, buy two a wrap them up!  For someone who loves receiving gifts, it can be a lot of fun to unwrap even something as little as this.  And when she sees that you bought her favorite candy, you get bonus points for thoughtfulness!  (Note: if she’s diabetic, this might not work so well).
- Tailor your gifts to events in their life.  If they just completed a tough academic time, give them a victory package of goodies!  If they just got a pet cat, give them a little kitty toy (or a bottle of ointment for claw scratches)!  You get the idea.  The more thoughtful the gift, the better!
- If they’ve been talking about something recently, like how they’d like to read a new book or wondering whether a band’s new CD will be any good, take the hint and buy them this as a gift.  (Pro tip: keep the receipt, just in case.  Given that dating is less committed than marriage, you might not be the only one who wants to give this as a gift, and the person might also have bought it themselves without telling you.  Don’t worry if this happens and you have to return your copy; most likely, they’ll be very touched that you paid attention and took the effort.  That’s still a win!)
- As the relationship progresses, jewelry is an appropriate gift to give.  It’s a little weird to drop this kind of cash right at the start, but if you want to commemorate a three-month anniversary, a little bit of jewelry can go a long way!  
- Give gifts that commemorate special events you two have shared as a couple.  
- Flowers are a big hit with girls.  They shouldn’t be given only as apologies, as they are in many shows; rather, give them just to show that you like her, that you were thinking of her, that their beauty reminded you of her.  
- Girls, this may come as a shock, but guys like games.  Sports, video games, board games, and on and on; it’s different with each guy.  Figure out what games he likes, then give gifts along those lines: tickets to a game, a new expansion to his favorite board game, a video game that’s safe for you both to enjoy together, etc.  


Words of Affirmation
General Guidelines
- At the core, this is about building each other up with your words, building connections between you with your words, and showing that you’re safe with each other by building up trust.
- Praise specific things; do not be vague in your praise!
- Make special effort to compliment those things that your partner feels are their flaws.
- It’s called “encouragement” for a reason; our words have the power to build courage in others.  Use this power to build your partner up!
- Try to avoid criticism; your partner wants to see that you care for them and respect them, not that you’re trying to audition for the role of personal life coach.  If you do criticize, give three sincere, well thought-out compliments for every derogatory thing you say.
- Words have a tremendous amount of power, even if all you’re doing is choosing not to use them.  Use this power to strengthen your relationship, not tear it down.

Specific Ideas:
- Guys, continually tell women how beautiful they are.  There are a few cautions that go with this, as we’ve already explored in Song of Solomon 1, but generally, women can’t hear this enough.  If your date has gone to special effort to look nice for a particular event, make sure to compliment her!
- Compliment things that they have control over.  For example, it’s okay to compliment someone’s eyes, but they didn’t really do anything to get those eyes.  It’s not a terribly personal compliment.  Instead, if it’s obvious that they put a lot of work into their hair, tell them how good it looks!  Guys, if you have enough fashion sense to recognize how much effort a woman put into her outfit for the evening, compliment her on how well it all works together!
- This dove-tails off of what was said in in the Physical Touch section, but to guys, especially: don’t compliment anything normally covered by clothes.  That will get you to Awkward City in a flash.  In a dating relationship, your thoughts shouldn’t be straying there, anyway!
- Girls, compliment a man on his accomplishments.  Show him that you respect him.  Guys love to be praised for battles they’ve just won, whether they be in sports, academics, work, in personal relationships, even in video and board games!  
- If you love spending time together, tell them why.  Tell your partner what specifically attracts you to them.  
- When you see God working in their lives, or you see them doing something that instantly draws your attention to God, make sure to tell them!  It should be the greatest compliment ever for a Christians to hear how their life reminded you of God!


Acts of Service
General Guidelines
- Acts of service tell someone that you care for them more than you care about your own selfish desires.  You are sacrificing doing something that you want, in order to do something that they want.  This can therefore speak volumes about how much you value them!
- Never do an act of service for someone out of a begrudging, complaining attitude.  This will instantly remove any pleasantness from your act, making it a point of strife and contention in the relationship, rather than building it up.
- You won’t always feel like doing things for people.  This is when your acts send the loudest message, for better or worse; it will either shout that you value yourself over them as you don’t do the act, or it will shout that you value them so much that you will gladly serve them even when it sorely inconveniences you.
- There is often a fine line between someone doing an act of service for you, and you taking advantage of them.  Performing acts of service should never feel like slavery!  There should never be punishment of any kind threatened if an act isn’t done, there should be no emotional abuse given if an act isn’t done perfectly, acts of service should never become requirements to get other benefits of the relationship, etc.  A general guideline to avoid service abuse: the acts should be initiated by the person doing them, not the person who benefits from them.  The person receiving should be grateful, not demanding.
- If an act is done for you, be grateful, and show that gratitude each time!  If a person primarily gives love as acts of service, there are few things more deflating and disheartening than not being noticed or thanked for the acts that you do.  Be thankful, and say so repeatedly, even if the act was not done perfectly.

Specific Ideas:
- Cooking meals is always welcome.  It’s often said that the road a man’s heart leads through his stomach!
- If one or both of you have reached the stage in life where you’re living away from mom and dad (in a college dorm, an apartment, a house with other singles, etc.), doing acts to help others take care of their living space can be very welcome.  
- People have skills in different areas.  It’s very helpful to do things for them that they can’t do themselves.  If a person has no clue how to care for a car, help them out!  If they have no idea how to care for their computer, help them out!  Caution: never do this in a haughty manner, being arrogant of how much you know.  Do it generously, out of compassion and care, not out of a desire to make yourself look good.
- Regardless of whether or not a person prefers this love language normally, everyone appreciates this when they’re sick!  Cook some chicken-noodle soup for them, clean up the house if they’re stuck in bed, go shopping for medicine and food, take care of errands they can’t, etc.  
- If your partner is undergoing a busy or stressful time, help them out!  This can include a busy academic time, something big at work, a family crisis or emergency, etc.  Any time stress is on the rise, your help becomes more and more valuable.  Pro tip: if a person is stressed, asking them “what can I do?” can actually lead to more stress, as they have to time out to figure out what to let you do.  Instead, take a second to observe, and do what you see will be helpful.  
- Giving advice can be helpful, if done rightly.  Guys, if a girl starts talking to you about a problem she has, it’s likely that advice is the last thing she wants.  Instead, she wants you to give her your ear, for you to listen to her and empathize with her.  Often, this can be a better gift than any nugget of wisdom you could have dished out.


Quality Time
General Guidelines
- Quality time is mainly about just being together.  Clear your schedule, and if distractions come up, ignore them.  Make being together the top priority in your schedule, second only to your priority to spend time with God.
- Quality time is called “quality” for a reason.  Quality time should be well spent getting to know each other, and enjoying your time together.  Tailor what you do based on who you each are, and what you enjoy doing.  
- Staring at a screen does not usually count as “quality” time.  Movies and TV are nice, but you don’t get to know much about each while you sit passively and watch, without even talking to each other.
- Guys, quality time for a girl involves lots of words.  Be verbal.  Talk, even if you rarely talk otherwise!
- Girls, quality time for a guy often involves doing something together.  Come up with things you can actively do together, and be willing to do things you wouldn’t normally, like going to a ball game surrounded by cheering, sweaty people.  
- Girls, it can vastly improve quality time for a guy if you make a bit of an effort to look nice for your time together.  I’m not saying you have to be a fashion queen, but just make an effort. 
- This is key: in dating relationships, don't expect to dominate each other's time. Since you're not committed to each other in marriage, you still have separate lives to live. Don't always expect them to give up everything just to be with you; you're not at that stage, yet. Be patient. It can be a great sign of maturity to show that you are willing to be patient, that you trust them enough not to be with them constantly, and that you still have a life and identity outside of them. If you do demand to be with them constantly, you will likely smother them, and this just may push them away from you. 


Specific Ideas:

- Ask lots of questions of each other.  Ask lots of follow-up questions.  Avoid simple yes/no questions; ask deep questions.  Ask questions starting with who, what, where, when, why, and how.  Ask questions about them; ask about their opinions, their hopes and fears, their dreams, their goals, their favorite ____, their family and friends, their enemies, their biggest lessons, etc.  Point being: ASK!
- Prepare questions in advance, if you fear that your mind might blank while you’re with them.  Generally this only happens in the early stages of a relationship, before you really know each other.  If you are ever in a panic about what to ask, realize that this person has already lived a great number of years.  Ask them something specific about their past!  Also, since the walk with God is ongoing daily, ask them how their time with Jesus is going.  
- Go on walks together.  Rent a boat and sail around a lake.  Go hiking.  Sit on the shore and throw rocks across the water.  Enjoying nature together can provide lots to look at, while giving you plenty of uninterrupted time to talk with each other!
- Do ministry together.  Visit a soup kitchen to help serve the less fortunate.  Create care packages for soldiers.  Send gifts of food and medicine to those in need around the world.  Do some yard work for those in your church or community who can’t do it themselves.  Volunteer to serve in the nursery at church (Guys, babies might seem messy, but if a girl sees you caring well for babies, you can score a ton of brownie points!).
- Cook a meal together.  This can a lot cheaper, and a lot more fun, than simply going out all the time.  
- Play games together.  Board games, card games, even sports or video games can work.  As long as you both enjoy it and it’s bringing you together (instead of the competition pushing you apart), then go for it!
- Create art together.  Play with clay, paint a landscape, sketch with pencils, whatever!  It doesn’t matter if the results are particularly beautiful or not; what matters is that you both enjoyed the time together.





This list is far from exhaustive.  This is the work of one mind, based on what Song of Solomon has taught me, and what I’ve learned in the adventure of life.  I’m sure that you all have things to add to this list, so please do so in the comments!  Share your wisdom with all of us!

Song of Solomon 1:7-8: Holy Flirting

[She]
[7] Tell me, you whom my soul loves,

where you pasture your flock,
where you make it lie down at noon;
for why should I be like one who veils herself
beside the flocks of your companions?


[He]
[8] If you do not know,
O most beautiful among women,
follow in the tracks of the flock,
and pasture your young goats
beside the shepherds' tents.


(Song of Solomon 1:7-8 ESV)

I'll begin this post with a bit of autobiography.  These two verses in Song of Solomon talk of playful flirting between the man and his wife; it's fun, it's light, it's free, it's enjoyable.  Yet it wasn't anything like that for me, when I first read this verse.  You see, in my romantic pursuits, I've had more than my fair share of rejection.  I have often opened up my heart and tried to be playful and romantic, only to receive pain and rejection back.  (Much of this was due, by the way, to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.  No one had told me how to pursue a woman, so I was struggling blindly.  Until I realized God had already given me everything I needed to know here, in this glorious book!)

So when I first read these two verses, I was bitter.  I prayed to God for healing, that He would redeem and renew my heart, soothe away the wounds of the past, and enable me to be open and romantic in the future.  To His great glory, He answered that prayer, and I can now joyfully announce that my heart is free and open!

So if you are in a similar situation, where the scars of the past make passages like this difficult to read, let me assure you: God cares about your pain, and He is fully willing to heal it.  Even if people have always abused your trust, Jesus never will.  He is faithful and true, always.  Entrust your heart to Him, ask Him to heal and renew you.  Read His Word, read these words in Song of Solomon, as prayers; while you read them, ask God to heal you and enable you to enjoy this playfulness.  He is faithful and powerful; He will heal you.

And if you've never experienced rejection or the like, then I ask you to pray for God to protect your heart in your romantic endeavors, such that you never have to experience the kind of pain I've felt.  Yet if you ever do feel this pain, always know the One you can turn to for help!

There is a lot to learn in these two verses.  First, we need to realize that these verses are inherently playful and flirtatious between this married couple.  

From this, we can see that flirting is fun and recommended; it's not something inherently dirty.  Sometimes it seems as though our culture has taken flirting and made it inherently sexual, such that if you flirt, you must want to have sex immediately.  It can make it very awkward for two Christians to start flirting, if they have this understanding in the back of their minds, even if they're not conscious of it.  But the glorious message of these two verses is that flirting and chemistry are Godsends.  In committed romantic relationships, it is good to be playful, to enjoy this kind of light teasing.  It builds chemistry.  In other words, it's a gift from God.  Culture may have hijacked it and made it seem dirty, but it was given by God to be clean, fun, free, and enjoyable.  So as we study these verses, we'll be focusing on redeeming this concept, on cleaning away the filth and studying these verses to see what God intended for this to be!

So now let's dive into the verses word-by-word.

v7 - "Tell me, you whom my soul loves,"  I love this little pet-name that she has for Solomon.  "You whom my soul loves."  This is far deeper than a crush, far deeper than an emotional flutter in the stomach for someone.  She loves this man with her whole being, so she chooses a nickname for him that conveys the depths of her love.  This is a love from her soul, from the seat of her very identity.  All that she is, and all that feels, is wrapped up in loving her husband, and she communicates this frequently.  

"where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon;"  Here, they are using poetic imagery, play-acting, roleplaying.  Solomon isn't a literal shepherd, and neither is she.  He's king over the whole country, while she tended a vineyard (as she said in the previous verse), and after marriage, of course she moved into the palace.  Yet for this little bit of playfulness, they're pretending to take on these roles.

(Historical note: Some commentators take these verses literally, assuming that Song of Solomon is a romance between a shepherd boy and shepherd girl, but that ignores the weight of the evidence: Solomon himself is mentioned constantly throughout the book as the man of this romance, the woman just identified herself as a vineyard keeper, and these two verses are inherently playful and teasing in nature.  If they were going to speak poetically and role play, they would do it here, rather than everywhere else in the book!)  

"for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?"  In the Ancient Near East, shepherds would rest at noon, after a long morning of labor.  They would sit in shade for a meal.  Those of looser moral character might also make use of veiled women who would come for... well, prostitution.  

So she's asking, "Why should I be like a wayward woman, uncertain of who to love, uncertain of whom I'll be with?  Why should my heart wander?  Tell me where you pasture your flock, you whom my soul loves, so that I may come as a veiled companion only to you!"

v8 - She has initiated this playful time, so Solomon of course responds in kind: "If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents."

From the fact that Solomon responds just as playfully as she initiated, we can see that using these playful metaphors in romance is fun, enjoyable, exciting, and completely acceptable in marriage.  In other words: marriage should be fun, not dull!  

Single people, when you do have a relationship, lay the foundations of playfulness and fun early.  Being free and playful speaks greatly to your personal confidence; it says to your partner that life with you will be enjoyable and safe.  After all, if you are not safe with each other, it's impossible to be fun and free with each other.

And since this is 21st century America, I have to clarify: if the relationship isn't at the marriage stage yet, there can't be any hanky-panky going on in this playfulness.  It is quite possible to be playful in a non-sexual way, even though many TV shows and movies have you believing just the opposite.  Playfulness can include inside jokes, light teasing, innocent sarcasm, speaking in playful riddles (after all, that's what Solomon and his bride are doing here; no straight answers!), scavenger hunts with clues, etc.  

The key to proper playfulness is that both people in the relationship enjoy it equally.  If the guy is sarcastic but the girl takes offense at sarcasm, the guy should lay off the sarcasm around her.  Find another way to be playful; there are more than you can imagine.  Playfulness is intended to draw you two together in joyful pleasure, not push one person away from offense!

(For more on proper playfulness as dating couples and engaged couples, see the end of the post).

Also note how skillfully Solomon weaves compliments of her beauty into their flirting, their playfulness.  In the middle of his winding answer, he calls her "O most beautiful among women."  Note that his compliment is genuine, even though the answer is teasing; guys, make sure your compliments don't sound like jokes.  That could have precisely the opposite effect than what you intend.  But if you can do it well, if you can weave these kind of compliments into your playfulness, it can be like crack to a woman.  It's pretty fun for the guy, too.

Solomon's answer to her is winding, filled with clues but no set answer: "follow in the tracks of the flock," which could simply mean that he's leaving clues for her to follow.  "and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents."  I could be wrong, but it seems to me that Solomon is here reversing the playful imagery.  Now she's a shepherdess, leading around a flock of goats, and Solomon is telling her to pasture them in a certain area.  She started out chasing him, like a veiled companion chases a shepherd, but now he's saying she's the shepherdess, and he'll be the one chasing her.  She'll wait in the open, where he says, and he'll find her.  Or Solomon could simply be using "pasture your young goats" as a euphemism.  I don't know which.  Most commentators don't know which.  So we'll just leave that one be, shall we?

Regardless, it's plain that Solomon wants to be together with her, and he's giving her a playful answer on where to find him.  They're having a lot of fun with this!

Notice also that it's the woman who intiates this time of playfulness.  Men, you should initiate plenty of things in a relationship.  You should put on your man pants and summon the courage to ask the girl out.  You should plan out some great dates.  You could even throw a surprise party for her on her birthday.  Let your mind go wild with the possibilies!

Still, women, you shouldn't let him be the only one to initiate everything.  The Bible definitely talks of the man as the head of the house (more on this controversial idea later), but notice that here Scripture is recording a glorious, holy, fun time in marriage when the woman is initiating.  She initiates, and Solomon loves it.  Most guys will love it, too.  Plan out a date or an event, surprise him, initiate playful times with him.  

And again, if you're not married, this cannot get sexual in any way.  Doing so without the commitment of marriage often serves only to remove all fun and playfulness, and instead make things really awkward, as well as often doing lasting emotional damage.  I said it earlier, but to say it here again: these two are so free with each other because they feel safe with each other.  They are committed to each other.  They aren't taking advantage of each other or using each other selfishly, which is almost always the case when sex is had outside of marriage.  These verses aren't just about having fun with a hot girl.  Rather, it's about a husband enjoying playful intimacy with his wife, with the woman that he knows intimately, with the woman he has committed himself to, with the woman he delights in, with the woman he wants to be with above all other women.  It simply isn't possible to enjoy this kind of playfulness outside of a committed relationship, and it's absolutely impossible to enjoy this kind of sexual playfulness that Solomon and his wife enjoy outside of a committed marriage.  So my advice: don't even try.  While you're dating or engaged, stick with the completely safe kinds of playfulness.  Then, when you finally are married, feel free to make up for lost time!

At this point, I was going to talk more about proper playfulness, flirting, chemistry, etc., in dating and engaged couples.  But then I realized this post is already fairly long.  So instead, my next post will be devoted to discussing this topic, using plenty of illustration from the Song of Solomon.  It'll be a fun one.  Stay tuned!