After a long Christmas / New Years break, we're back to finish up this wonderful book, the Song of Songs, which is Solomon's. Most of the major action of the poem has taken place; we've met Solomon and his bride, we've seen how he won her heart in his courtship, we saw their marriage, we watched as she dealt with fear, we saw them have a big conflict and resolve it, and we saw them simply enjoy loving each other.
Now we're at the end, and this last chapter will teach us a few more lessons about love that the couple has learned in their life together.
[8:1] Oh that you were like a brother to me
who nursed at my mother's breasts!
If I found you outside, I would kiss you,
and none would despise me.
[2] I would lead you and bring you
into the house of my mother—
she who used to teach me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
the juice of my pomegranate.
[3] His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
[4] I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.
(Song of Solomon 8:1-4 ESV)
To begin with, verse 1 sounds really strange to American ears. Why on earth would she want her husband to be her brother?!
The answer is pretty simple if we take a look at history. In ancient Israelite culture, public displays of affection between married couples were frowned upon; they were expected to keep that stuff indoors and private. But kids are kids, and it was perfectly acceptable for a little girl to affectionately kiss her brother. Solomon's wife wishes that they had the same freedom children enjoy, so that she could kiss him in public, whenever she wanted, and no one would frown at her.
In other words, this woman finds herself longing for her husband throughout the day, wishing she could run up to him and kiss him in broad daylight, whenever she wanted. This is immensely beautiful, and it's what married life should be like! Don't believe the skeptical sitcoms that depict romance and fun dying once a couple is married (or when they have kids).
When done rightly, spouses should yearn for each other throughout the day, increasing even until they're old and wrinkled together.
But how can this be done? Just wait; we'll get there.
First, let's deal with verse 2. The thought of kissing him leads her to thoughts of a full physical experience with her beloved husband. I don't want to be sketchy, so let me just say briefly that verses 2 and 3 depict what she's envisioning with her husband.
She's mentioned this kind of thing before, and as before, she again tells her single female friends in verse 4 that as amazing as this is, they shouldn't attempt to replicate the experience of physical intimacy outside of marriage, because it can't be replicated outside of marriage. We should want to enjoy it fully, and for that, we need to wait for marriage itself!
The Hebrew is phrased more literally as "Why stir up or awaken love until it pleases?" The meaning is the same, but I like this phrasing better, because it emphasizes that if you awaken love before marriage, you'll be missing out.
The common cultural argument to have sex whenever you like is that you'll miss out if you don't. Young people often feel like they're missing out, and this pressure leads them to have sex as quickly as possible. Contrarily, Solomon's wife here says that if you try to have sex before appropriate in marriage, you are missing out, because you will never know sex as great as this!
Lust is cheap. Contrary to the message of a sex-charged world, true sexual desire is built on a deep and thorough knowledge of each other. It stems from faithful commitment to each other over time, as you learn to love each other better year after year. Solomon's wife is saying here that bumping bodies with a stranger will never yield the kind of immense pleasure that she feels when she yearns for her husband and enjoys him.
So now that we've dealt with that, let's return to our question from before. How can a married couple experience this kind of longing for each other throughout all of their years?
It begins with following her advice in verse 4. If you have many sexual partners before your spouse, your spouse simply won't be as special to you. But if you wait and save sex only for marriage, your spouse will be the most special person in your entire life; they alone will share this most intimate experience with you.
In other words, maximizing your desire for your spouse begins while you're single. Don't sleep with other people, and if you are, stop. Don't worry about past mistakes; God can and will redeem and cleanse you from them. Focus instead on the present and the future, on reserving physical intimacy with the person you become one with. If you do, you will long for them in a way that you will never long for anyone else!
As important as this part of the puzzle is, it isn't the entirety. Solomon's bride longs for her husband in a deep, holistic way. This isn't a crush she felt when she saw him in math class. The instant attraction you might feel toward someone you just met, or the emotional high you feel right at the start of a relationship, is different from what she's feeling. Those thrills are good; it's beautiful to be excited about getting to know someone, to be excited about a relationship.
But as great as those are feelings are, they are the foothills. Solomon's wife is dancing on the mountaintops!
Her desire here is deep. They know each other fully and have a deep, solid relationship. Her yearning is based on knowing and loving him, and him knowing and loving her. This takes time to build, since it clearly takes time to get to know someone. This is partly why a couple's yearning for each other should increase over time; a newlywed couple doesn't know each other nearly as well as a couple with 20 years together does.
Still, this takes more than knowledge. It also takes repentance.
Some will be skeptical about finding yearning for each other in getting to know each other better. Our culture is filled with men who are pigs, women who are shallow, and couples who are so selfish that they drive each other away. So what about the fear that knowing each other will push you apart, instead of closer?
That's why we need repentance. Couples will sin against each other, and need to repent whenever they do. Married life will also point out weak spots in the lives of husband and wife, areas where they will both need to grow and change. This isn't a bad thing; it's part of God's design to use marriage to help sanctify the couple, making them more like God as they learn to love each other better.
Imagine the opposite. If a person is selfish and refuses to change, this kind of yearning can't be built. If you won't stop sinning against your beloved, no matter how much they ask, they won't feel cherished, and you won't build intimacy. If you discover an area of life in which you need to change to mesh well with each other and you refuse to change, you won't grow closer together.
If you want to yearn for each other, you must repent whenever you sin. This is absolutely necessary.
When they sin against you, you must forgive - fully. No one is perfect. Everyone you meet has more sin in their life than you expect. So if you are not able to forgive, you will also never arrive at this place.
So let's apply this to single people and dating couples. Singles, I charge you to practice forgiveness and repentance now. Focus on them. Master them. Then, when you are in a relationship, this kind of intimacy and yearning for each other will almost build itself.
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