[14] O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
in the crannies of the cliff,
let me see your face,
let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
(Song of Solomon 2:14 ESV)
Solomon again communicates something vital about dating to us through this verse. This is part of the longer passage, 2:8-15, that focuses on the romantic life before marriage. To put it simply, this verse focuses on the realm of Face and Voice, which Solomon teaches us is the way to enjoy the most romance and joy in our relationships.
To be sure, Jesus forgives and redeems; God can redeem any failure or sin and restore joy, and even romance. Yet God knows how life should work. The whole point of studying Song of Solomon is that God knows best how romance works; if we follow the wisdom of this book, we'll experience a romance far and away more pleasurable and delightful than anything we could have by following the world's way of romance. So if we can have the best joy possible in romance, why would we settle for less, even if God can redeem the lesser joy? Follow the wisdom of Song of Solomon and embrace the best joy that romance has to offer!
"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff,"
Solomon begins by stating poetically what his desire is for his bride. Doves were commonly associated with romance in the ancient Near East, in Israel. Solomon calls her a delightful pet name, "dove," to show that he views her as an object of romantic love. She likely didn't doubt this, but it's something a woman never gets tired of hearing. Men, you can never say "I love you" too much!
Doves are delicate creatures. In harsh weather, they take shelter in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff. Israel's rocky wilderness is filled with such features. Inside these clefts and crannies, the doves were safe, protected, secure.
By painting this poetic picture, Solomon is saying that he wants his bride to feel as safe in his love as a dove feels in the clefts and crannies. Guys, remember this: romance can be a daunting this for a woman. There are a great number of reasons why a woman might be hesitant about entering into romance: personal insecurity, doubting her beauty, unsure of her life stage, still feeling emotions for a past relationship, unsure about you, past abuse, the fear of future abuse, the fear of marrying a man who will turn out to shirk his responsibilities and leave her to fend for herself, dark secrets in her past she fears you discovering, the fear of rejection, and on and on.
Solomon knows the human heart; the Bible refers to him as one of the wisest men who has ever lived. So Solomon, knowing these reasons could be plaguing his beloved, lets her know that he is striving to protect her, to keep her safe, to do everything he can to shelter her from these fears and anxieties.
Men: this is an incredibly noble mission. Seek to protect the heart of your woman, regardless of the stage of the relationship. To some extent, this will look different with every woman; each woman has her own unique mix of fears, anxieties, uncertainties, memories, etc. Yet there are some things every one of us can do. We'll talk about one of the biggest in a second.
Women: if you don't feel safe in your relationship, it's a warning sign. This could mean many things, from fearing that he might physically assault you, to fearing that he might emotionally abuse you, to fearing that he might treat you like property instead of like a person, to fearing that he might not shoulder his responsibility to care and provide for you, and on and on. If this warning sign is there, it's not necessarily the end of the road, but something does need to change. if your man is willing to repent, to change, to fix this area of his life so that you do feel safe, then you may just have a keeper, if he truly does repent. If he's unwilling to change, or he only fakes changing, then the relationship likely needs to end.
One of the biggest ways to keep this feeling of safety ever-present in romance is to dwell in the realm of Face and Voice. Solomon teaches this to us in the rest of the verse:
"let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely."
At first this doesn't seem too earth-shattering; they're dating, so naturally Solomon wants to see her face and hear her voice. After all, as he says, her voice is sweet to him, and her face is lovely to his eyes.
But the significance here is what Solomon focuses on. What he doesn't say is just as important as what he does say. We'll deal first with why it's so important to talk about this in today's culture. Then we'll restate this verse and focus on all the reasons why this realm of Face and Voice is so desirable.
American culture leads us to think that sex is a normal part of dating, that bodies are meant to be explored as you get to know each other. Even for Christians who want to save sex for marriage, it can create the feeling that you're missing out on a lot, that you're depriving yourself of a lot of pleasure now. And even for those who want to save it for marriage, when you're in the heat of the moment, it's often hard to stop, so much so that the couple can choose to give in.
Solomon and his bride correct us, here. They have a view on dating that runs counter-cultural to American dating, and it opens up new worlds of pleasure. They're dating, they know each other very well, marriage is looming on the horizon. Yet they don't need to go to the physical realm to be stimulated by each other. Solomon races to her house just to see her, just to be in her presence. Not to sleep with her.
And then, when they finally get time alone outside, all he wants to do is see her face and hear her voice. He loves the sound of her voice; he can't get enough of simply talking with her. He loves how beautiful her face is; he is captivated by it. He does not pine for more; he focuses himself here, on face and voice, and his heart is more than content. It's fairly obvious that she, as well, feels greatly loved, and her heart is fluttering away like mad. You can see this clearly in the fact that she remembers this invitation of his word-by-word and loves telling others about it (SoS 2:8).
It would be so easy to justify them exploring each other's bodies. They are already in love; marriage is looming soon; they are already committed to each other in love, to a certain extent. What could be the harm in exploring a little?
The harm is that going too far, too fast, denies you a world of pleasure you may otherwise miss. There is a height of love and respect that cannot be had by jumping into each other's pants as quickly as possible. This is because staying in the realm of Face and Voice proves that you like each other simply for who you are, not for what you do. If you are all over each other physically, it can remove this feeling, replacing it with the painful thought that this person only likes you for what you do for them. This can be the death of romance, if left unchecked.
For a relationship to last, you have to know that you are valued for who you are, personally. Going too far physically can make this nearly impossible, unless you repent.
The problem here is that most of us have already gone too far. Even if you're single, or you're dating and haven't gone there physically, our culture has been programming us for decades not to listen to this. Our American mantra is often "follow your heart." The problem is that in the moments when this matters most, our hearts want to lead us into sin. We base our entire lives on following our emotions, on doing only what we want to do; this is why we buy what we want, watch only the TV and movies that we want, write lists of what we want for Christmas and our birthdays, we don't feel terribly inclined to do homework we don't want to do, we delay doing chores around the house when we don't want to do them, etc. Scripture talks about this by saying, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world... carrying out the desires of the body and the mind." The course of the world, the instincts programmed into us by our American society, teach us to carry out the desires of our bodies and our minds as quickly as possible. If you want it, take it. If it feels good, do it. This is America.
We've been programmed by our culture (and by the depravity of our own hearts) to give in to temptation, because it's tempting. We want to give in, so we do. So what do you think you're going to do when you're dating and your hands start getting frisky? And I don't just mean to say that this danger is only present in dating. Even in marriage this temptation can exist, specifically, when you feel inclined towards someone other than your spouse. The depravity of your heart doesn't go away just because you wear a ring.
The only way to combat this impulse is to treasure Jesus above all else, to truly believe that His way is best. You can put a thousand safe-guards in place to keep you and your relationship pure, but if your hearts aren't in the right place, you'll find ways to cheat the system. And the great joy of all of this is that Jesus is immensely worthy of being your treasure, above all else. He is more satisfying than you can possibly imagine, so much so that 11 of the 12 Apostles gladly gave up their lives for Him, rather than deny Him. They drew so much joy, vitality, and pleasure from Jesus that to live without Him would have been worse than death. If you treasure Jesus in a similar manner, if your love for Him is greater than your love for your romantic partner, then you should be able to resist any urge.
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The vital point to grasp here is that we cannot change our own hearts. If you want to keep yourselves from succumbing to temptation, the only possible way is to ask God to change your heart, to renew your mind, to restore your soul, to free your bodies from being slaves to sin. As Psalm 23 puts it, "You restore my soul." Not "I restore my soul by doing religious things." If you truly want to be rescued from the impulse to be led into sin as a captive to your feelings, Jesus is the only One who can change your heart. Seek Him in prayer, and He will transform you.
Legalism can't save us, here. We Christians can set up a thousand great rules to protect us. Yet if our hearts are still wicked, we'll just cheat the system. For many, you cheat the system simply by imagining mentally what you want to do physically. This seems innocent enough, until you realize that every action starts with a thought. Temptation usually comes in small steps, all the better to deceive you with. Thoughts are an easy entry point; after all, you're not actually doing anything, and it's still pleasurable. James talks about this by saying: "Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
So thoughts and desires are the starting point for all sin. They enter so innocently. Yet just give them time to grow, and you can be sure that they will lead you into sin. That sin, when it grows, will inevitably lead to some form of death.
If you're already at the place of sin, whether in sexual sin or in any area of life, repent immediately to save yourselves from death. It is commonly accepted today that sleeping together before marriage is necessary to get to know someone, but this is a blatant lie. The statistics are clear; couples who sleep together and live together before marriage are far more likely to divorce or separate than couples who wait for sex in marriage. In other words, the sin of sleeping together before marriage can often lead to the death of the relationship, once the sin is fully grown. You see, sleeping together before marriage is most often born of selfishness and lust, with a fair amount of pride thrown in, as well. If these three issues are dominant in your relationship, it won't be able to be healthy. Death enters relationships through these sins.
Also, please know that it is never too late to repent. Your sin is not too great for God to forgive. Jesus already suffered the penalty of your sin on the Cross, which removed it from you forever. So if you confess your sins, both to God and to those close to you, and stop doing them, God will forgive you and make you exactly as clean as if you had never sinned in the first place. He will fill you with His perfection, so that He sees you as perfectly clean, always. But if you only confess to clear your conscience, then want to go right back to sinning, your heart was likely not genuine in asking for forgiveness, because you don't really see your sin as sin.
If you're blessed enough not to have gotten to sin from your thoughts yet, then you've been given an amazing opportunity to save yourself a lot of pain. Take this opportunity to kill your sinful thoughts and save yourself from sin that leads to death. Follow the words of Scripture: "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ."
The key here is to take every thought captive, to rely on the power of God to destroy the strongholds sin has already built in your mind and heart. Simply envision taking your thoughts captive and laying them at the nail-scarred feet of Jesus. Remember that you are saved from the curse of those thoughts by those wounds that Jesus suffered in your place, even though you deserved them. Let Him fill your heart with the love He has for you, and these sinful desires and thoughts will begin to die, instead of killing you.
Now that we've dealt with our sinfulness, we can joyfully turn to all the positive reasons why this focus on Face and Voice is such a delight in romance. Again, Solomon says "let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely."
There are a wealth of pleasures to be had simply by enjoying your partner's voice and face. Before marriage, focus your attention here. Focus on conversation, on getting to know each other. I promise you that no matter how well you think you know each other, there is a surprising amount about your partner's life and mind that you don't know. Before marriage, focus on getting to know each other as well as possible with words. This will set a glorious foundation in place for when you get the rings and can begin getting to know each other in other ways.
To state it simply: staying in the realm of Face and Voice before marriage is the best way to get to know your beloved, to delight in them for who they are, and to be comfortable in the knowledge that you are fully known, and still fully loved. It reveals an immense amount of love and respect that you are delighted in each other because of who you are, rather than for what you do.
Culture tells you to focus on any part of the body that catches your eye. Solomon tells you to focus on the face. Don't let your mind or hands wander. I promise you, there's enough beauty in the face alone to captivate your heart until marriage!
To view this from another angle, consider the case in which conversation and gazing into each other's eyes is not enough. If you're convinced that this isn't enough and you need deeper stimulation, the problem is with your own selfish heart. Our entire society is built around ramping up pleasures higher and higher, so it's understandable why someone can feel this way. Yet Solomon is telling you to relax. Take a breather and focus on the realm of Face and Voice. There is enough delight for you here, if you will only take the time to see it. If you insist on pressing on and going deeper physically, it's not because there wasn't enough here; rather, you are simply selfish and greedy, wanting what you perceive as more pleasure, and being unwilling to wait.
If you cannot sit in the realm of Face and Voice in dating and engagement, if you are not satisfied by merely talking with each other and being in each other's presence, that's a warning sign. If you don't find each other interesting except when you go deeper physically, then you need to back off and work on the friendship aspect of your relationship. If you don't have a good friendship in place, if you don't actually like each other at the simple friendship level, then your relationship won't be able to last, regardless of how exciting the physical side is. If you do like each other as friends, well and good; keep working on that and building romance from your knowledge of each other, rather than through going deeper physically, until you get some rings.
In essence, this verse is seeking to reveal your heart, the reason why you're in a relationship in the first place. Being content with this level, with Face and Voice, is a sign that you are in this relationship to get to know your partner. If you truly want to get to know them, if you're in this because you love them, then you should be perfectly content getting to know them through conversation, through being with them, through getting to gaze at them.
On the other hand, if you're in this relationship for you, then you probably won't be satisfied with Face and Voice. If you're seeking emotional stimulation, personal gratification, personal affirmation, identity affirmation, or plain old selfish gain, you'll want as much physical stimuli as possible. You'll likely be unsatisfied that you have to remain in the realm of Face and Voice, and you may even want marriage as soon as possible -- just to get the increased physical stimulation. In that case, you'd be seeking marriage itself for the experience and pleasure and security, rather than seeking this specific person, and being delighted by being with them forever. I don't mean that you're in sin if you desire to know your partner in this physical way; that's a healthy human desire. It must simply be controlled, in order to extract its full joy in marriage.
So take a moment to examine your desires for marriage, for a relationship, for a boyfriend or girlfriend. It will likely be hard to arrive at the truth of the matter; we as humans are highly skilled in lying to ourselves to convince ourselves that our cause is just, even when it isn't. Likely, if you're pursuing a relationship for selfish reasons, you won't admit it to yourself. In this case, it's best to ask those are wiser than yourself, and give them the freedom to be honest with you. Pray that God will give you enough humility to listen to their words, and to His own Spirit's prodding.
If your motivations for being in a relationship are wrong, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship itself is wrong. It does mean that you have to let God work on your heart and correct your desires. But after He does so, He may just lead you back to that person, now that He has enabled you to enjoy the romance properly. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Remember, our God redeems!
If you are in a relationship and you discover you're going beyond face and voice, put the breaks on immediately. Don't keep going, and don't succumb to the mistaken tradition that once you cross that line, you have to get married, just because you've had sex. Simply being married won't solve the problem; it will only make you both more miserable as your selfishness, impatience, and greed create new problems in marriage.
If you've gone too far, stop and get help. Culture tells you it's perfectly okay. The Bible says you're settling for a far less pleasure than what you could be saving up for. No matter how far you've gone, know that it's never too late to turn around and change your path. God always welcomes you, no matter where you are. He is good; He can redeem your romance and help you recover the treasures of truly getting to know your beloved.
Out of all the advice I will give, this may be the one least likely to be listened to, but it may just save you: If you have stumbled sexually in your relationship, and you're not already married, take some time off. Take two months away from dating for devoted and whole-hearted singleness, to focus on God and get your heart in the right place.
I realize that when you like someone, the hardest thing to do is to say "I won't talk to you for two months so that I can focus on God." There are always fears involved in this somewhat, as well as the strong desire simply to be with them, which can be immensely difficult to fight. Yet God is faithful. Trust Him with what you desire, and He will not fail you.
Yet if you are already stumbling sexually in a dating relationship, you need to get your hearts right before God. Remember, all sin leads to death, in some form. If you don't get your hearts right with God, the death that occurs may just be your relationship, precisely because you didn't deal with your underlying selfishness, lust, greed, and pride.
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