Song of Solomon 2:9: The Lover's Gaze

[She]
[8] The voice of my beloved!
Behold, he comes,
leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
[9] My beloved is like a gazelle
or a young stag.
Behold, there he stands
behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
looking through the lattice.


(Song of Solomon 2:8-9 ESV)

Last time we talked about Song of Solomon 2:8, and focused on attraction in dating.  Today continues that theme, but in a slightly different light.  It still deals with matters of attraction in the realm of dating, but one of the topics is a little awkward to discuss in today's society.  Rest assured, if you keep reading, you'll learn a bit more about attraction, and what makes hearts flutter.  The first point in this post might be a bit more awkward than the last, but it's mentioned in the text, so I have to talk about it.

Despite the potential awkwardness of this post, next post will be more similar to last post, as we discuss the amazing charm and flirtatiousness of Solomon as he invites his beloved out for a glorious spring date.  So stay tuned!

So with that, let's get down to work!

"My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag."  She says that her beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.  What is she saying?  What characteristics of these animals is she referring to?

In part, this is a reflection she has while watching him race towards her, leaping and bounding over the hills.  But what specifically is making her say this?  At the least, these creatures are fit, energetic, active, leaping, bounding.  As he leaps and bounds over the mountains and hills, he reminds her of a gazelle, a stag.  So this guy is relatively fit.  He can run, leap, bound.  He's in shape.

Since this can be a sensitive issue, let me say at the outset: if you have any issues with your weight, whether having too much or too little, you need to know that God loves you right now exactly as you are.  God approves of you and cherishes you exactly as you are in this moment; He's not waiting for you to reach some goal before He'll embrace you fully.  There is nothing you could do to make yourself more or less lovable in God's eyes.  He does not judge you for your size.  The overwhelming emotion that He feels towards you is love!

Guys, a few words for you, in particular.  I know this culture bends over backward to make you feel like being big and large isn't a problem.  I won't judge you for your size; God loves you regardless of how you look.  I'm not going to criticize you for your size, especially if you have a medical issue.  If you are bigger, please don't feel that I'm attacking you in any way; your personal worth is not determined by your size!  Your self-worth should be determined only by the fact that our Heavenly Father dearly loves you, cherishes you, and would never be parted from you.  Your identity with Christ is a primary consideration in life and romance.  Your physical size is at best a secondary consideration, and should have no power to affect your identity.  

Still, I will simply say that obesity is unhealthy; it will shorten your life.  It is not desirable, in that sense.  Further, it is a simple fact that it says something about your character if you are fit, versus letting your body go.  If you take the time to keep your body in shape, it says that you care about yourself, that you are disciplined, that you are energetic, that you take your health seriously, that you'll be around for a while.  If you can't be bothered to care for your body, it says that you are lazy, that you don't care that much for your health, that you have less energy, and that you won't be bothered to do things that you don't want to do.

To be fair, it has to also be said that there are plenty of fit people are who vain and arrogant and would make terrible romantic partners.  There are also plenty of bigger people who are wise, caring, productive, kind, and loving, and would make amazing romantic partners.  I am not in any way saying that obesity makes you a bad person, or makes you less fit for romance!  Martin Luther was hopelessly obese, and he is one of my great heroes of the faith.  He also led a great romance with his wife, who adored him.  

All I'm saying is that this woman sees her beloved leaping and bounding, like an energetic young stag, and is delighted by it.  She is attracted to his physical agility and energy, to the fact that he's in shape.  If she is, a great many other women will be attracted by the same thing.

There's a reason most Hollywood stars are ripped when they're displayed on screen.  There's something in the heart of women that flutters at a man who takes care of himself, who is strong, who is energetic.  As strange as it sounds, Hollywood here has tapped into something Biblical: fitness is an element of romance.  There can certainly be plenty of romance without it; fitness is not absolutely essential to romance.  Still, fitness and health do factor into the equation somewhat.  

To be clear, I'm not talking about women lusting after a ripped body; that carries its own series of problems along with it.  I'm only saying that women generally love it when a strong arm embraces them, especially if the man who owns that arm is wielding it with honor and integrity, using it exclusively for her protection, and never for her harm.  

Also, let me encourage both single guys and single gals not to overlook those who are on the bigger side.  As I mentioned above, Martin Luther was hopelessly overweight, and yet he enjoyed a romance with his wife that grew deeper and more delightful with each passing year; his wife absolutely adored him, more and more so with every passing year.  The weight of a person should never be a primary consideration.  Weight is one of those things that fluctuates throughout life; diet and exercise can remove it, while age and certain diseases can add to it, even if you keep eating healthy and exercising.  Weight is not a permanent characteristic of a person.  So instead of obsessing over this, focus on things that are harder to change, like a person's personality and relationship with God.  Men, you will enjoy far, far more delight with a bigger woman who loves Jesus passionately from a deep faith than you could ever have with a woman who looks like fashion model but has a shallow faith.  Fashion models tend to lose their figure after a few years, while women who seek hard after Jesus tend to get more beautiful and enjoyable with each passing year.

Bottom line: seek those who love Jesus deeply, regardless of their size.  Take care of your own body, but don't obsess over it.  Your body is, at best, a secondary concern.  Your relationship and identity with Jesus is primary.

"Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice."  Once Solomon arrives at the home of his beloved (which is likely her mother's house, where her brothers made her work in the vineyard), Solomon stops to gaze at her.  This will require some qualification, but the principle is simply this: if a woman is in love with a man, she loves it when that man gazes lovingly at her.  When a woman loves a man, she enjoys it when he is so captivated by her beauty that he cannot look away.  This is the classic lover's gaze, and it is absolutely delightful to the soul in love.

Sadly, in today's society, the art of gazing lovingly has been corrupted.  We live in a society that tries to turn your gaze lustful whenever possible.  As a result, many women have been scarred by men who looked with lust, as society has trained them to do, and ended up doing a lot of harm.  Women have often become skeptical of gazes, as a result.  Further, in a society that constantly tells women they have to measure up to an impossible beauty standard, a lover's gaze can make a woman feel insecure, instead of delighted.  Given this situation, we may have some work to do to get back to the ideal of a lover's gaze being pure and enjoyable.

So let's start clearing this up by offering a few qualifications:

Qualification 1: Guys, this is NOT okay to do this if you're not in a love relationship with a woman.  If you stare at a pretty girl and she doesn't know who you are, you're not romantic; you're a stalker.  That's creepy, not attractive.  

Qualification 2: Guys, keep your eyes on her eyes.  Don't let them wander.  If you're single and you catch your thoughts or your eyes wandering, do as Scripture says: take your thoughts captive and make them obedient to Jesus.  Don't let your thoughts lead you into trouble, or ruin the joy of this kind of gaze by making a woman think you have something else in mind.  If you're married... well, you've got a license to let those eyes wander.  Still, don't neglect simply gazing into her eyes for long periods of time.  There's a connection and a bond you can build there that you can't build by gazing anywhere else.

Qualification 3: Guys, some girls have baggage from past relationships, and possibly from abuse, that prevents them from enjoying this, at first.  In these cases, be patient with these women.  They need your love and compassion while they heal, rather than the added pain of you calling them damaged goods and moving on to someone else.  This is your chance to demonstrate your servant love, your self-sacrificing love.  This is your chance to be like Jesus.  If you are willing, God may just use you as a healing agent in her life, as she comes to see that your attention comes from affection, not from manipulation.  You may not get all the pleasures of romance immediately, but if you are patient and gentle as God heals this woman, she may very likely adore you for your kind treatment of her in her time of need.  

Qualification 4: Women, if being gazed at like this doesn't sit well with you, I ask you only to look to Jesus.  Some women are uncomfortable with being looked at like this; you're not alone if you feel this way.  Likely, it results from scars of your past, either what someone did to you or what someone didn't do, that they should have, or from not feeling that you measure up to society's standards.  Either way, the pathway to healing is only through Jesus.  Look to Him.  Realize that He loves you; Jesus enjoys looking at you, because you are His beautiful daughter.  God is delighted to look upon you and reflect on your beauty, and there is absolutely no malice, pain, abuse, selfishness, or terror in His gaze.  Learn to bask in the light of His loving gaze upon you; let that light melt your heart.  Then, and only then, you may be ready to trust a man to gaze upon you.  But I caution you: trust only a man who is seeking Jesus, who is striving to make himself more and more like Jesus.  

So men: if you love a woman, and she loves you, gaze at her beauty.  Hopefully this isn't some great revelation; the human heart is wired to gaze at beauty.  But there are times when your look, your eyes, will say more than your words ever could.  Don't forget to send these messages of love that require no words!  

And women: realize that if your man loves you, he'll want to gaze at you.  When he does, you don't have to get self-conscious and look away.  He's not going to point out your flaws.  He's not going to obsess over how your hair isn't exactly perfect down to the last split-end.  Rather, he's simply delighted to be looking at you, however you appear in that particular moment.  

Society tells you that you're not "beautiful" until you are fully covered in make-up, with your hair professionally done, and dressed in the finest fabrics money can buy.  A Godly man, on the other hand, will be telling you that you are beautiful simply because you are you.  However you look in that moment -- whether your hair is styled perfectly, or starting to frizz at the end of a long day, or tousled beyond hope of being contained -- you are beautiful to him because you are his beloved.  How styled your hair is doesn't matter; what matters is his love for you.  If he loves you, he will see you as beautiful.  So when he gazes, let him look!

Basically, when someone gazes lovingly at you, it will reveal your true self.  If you are comfortable with who you are, you should be able to gaze back lovingly.  If you put up walls (either deliberately or instinctively), or you look away (out of shame, feeling unworthy, or a myriad of other issues), there there is probably some soul work to do.  This may be a sin that needs repenting, or scars from abuse that need healing, or an identity crisis resulting from not realizing how forgiven and cleansed and beloved you already are in Christ.

Pay attention to who you are when people gaze at you.  It will tell you a great deal about yourself.

Single people, if you can sense a danger zone in you with this issue, get to work on it now.  Men, if you sense that you might not be able to keep your thoughts or eyes pure, get some help now before you inadvertently scar a woman.  Women, if you don't feel comfortable being gazed at, it's time to do some soul-searching and praying, focusing on Jesus, and letting Him heal your soul.  As always, it will be a lot less painful to deal with these issues now, rather than waiting to deal with them once you're actually in a relationship!