[16] My beloved is mine, and I am his;
he grazes among the lilies.
[17] Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle
or a young stag on cleft mountains.
(Song of Solomon 2:16-17 ESV)
This, again, is another passage I approached thinking that it's simple, without much to teach. So I prayed and asked God to open my eyes, to show me things in this text that I couldn't see, before. He answered.
He also gave some very practical advice for single/dating people from this verse, despite it talking about a married couple. This verse is a goal for single/dating people, a sign of what the future should be. As a result, it has some good teaching for us.
"My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies."
This is what marriage should be: "my beloved is mine, and I am his." The husband is not dominating the wife, and the wife is not trampling all over a meek and cowardly husband. Rather, there is mutual submission, mutual "ownership," if I can use that word without bad overtones. She desires him, and he desires her. He is committed to her, and she is committed to him. Their hearts are turned toward each other, committed to each other, satisfied in each other.
In other words, things are mutual. Instead of one person giving and the other receiving, they're both equally giving and receiving. No one is feeling abused or used. They pour into each other's lives, and joyfully receive it, as well.
It must be said here that this cannot happen without the Gospel. I say that because in any couple -- whether it's dating, engaged, or married -- the two people will sin against each other. When that happens, they must have some method of dealing with that sin.
Jesus went to the Cross precisely to bear the burden of all our sin. Every sin you and your partner will ever commit fell on Jesus on that Cross. He suffered the just penalty for all of them, so much so that these sins no longer exist. They have been paid for and wiped off the records. You and your partner are perfectly clean and free from all sin. Jesus has already forgiven you of everything wrong you ever did, without asking you to do anything to pay Him back. That's where you need to approach conflict in relationships from.
Yet some people try to punish each other. "Oh he did that to me? Well then guess what. I'm not doing this for him." That's a false sense of atonement; instead of saying that Jesus covered their sin, you're saying that they have to cover their own sin by suffering at your hand. That's wicked, and it will kill romance. (This paragraph has been largely brought to you by Mark Driscoll).
Others will bottle their emotions up. If they are sinned against, instead of saying anything, they keep it inside. Perhaps they don't want to jeopardize the relationship by bringing up a touchy subject, or perhaps they fear conflict, or perhaps they don't know what to say, or perhaps they tell themselves they no longer care. Perhaps they simply wish their partner knew them better, and feel that their partner should have spotted what they've done wrong, so instead of speaking up, they simply sit back and wait for their clueless partner to get a clue (which they seldom ever do).
Some will begin looking elsewhere. If their partner is sinning against them and making life miserable (or if they themselves sinned and made life miserable), then they'll cope any number of ways. They might turn to buying things, or playing sports, or looking at porn, or gambling, or playing video games, or getting a pedicure, or flirting with other people, or any number of other things. It should be obvious that these are all danger zones. Some of these things are inherently bad, like porn and gambling, while others are more neutral, like video games and sports. Yet they are all dangerous because they're stealing you away from your partner. Instead of working to resolve the conflict, instead of forgiving, you're escaping, which only delays the inevitable and usually makes it worse.
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| http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/26/want-to-be-happy-forgive-your-enemies/ |
To sum it all up: if you want to enjoy "my beloved is mine, and I am his," you have to deal with your sin rightly. You have to realize that Jesus has already forgiven both of you of far worse, so you can forgive them. It might not seem like they deserve forgiveness, but that's irrelevant. They already are forgiven, by Jesus. You have to forgive them, too. Without it, you will never have this mutual enjoyment.
Additionally, if you wish to enjoy "my beloved is mine, and I am his," you must reject all other ownerships. You can't belong to your spouse, to your girlfriend, to your fiance, if you belong to your job, or to your hobbies, or to your friends, or to your reputation, or to your bank account, or to your addiction, or to your pleasures, or to your pride.
The key to being free of all of these is to make yourself a slave to the right person: Jesus. Whatever you are seeking in pursuing these things, you will find its perfection in Jesus. Do you seek wealth? Jesus made and controls all the wealth in the universe, and dispenses it to whomever He will. Do you seek pleasure? There are more joys to be had in Jesus than in all the world combined. Do you seek self-esteem? Jesus loves you so much that you will never be able to comprehend its magnitude.
Whatever you seek, you will find it in Jesus. Yet Jesus is not a means to an end. At a deep level, all of these pursuits, all of these things that can enslave you, are preying upon your happiness, your satisfaction, your joy. They promise that you will be satisfied only with ____, or that only ____ can make you happy, or that if you don't have ____ you will never know true joy.
Jesus provides a deeper satisfaction, happiness, and joy than you will ever be able to find in the things of this world. He doesn't make life dull; rather, He makes it possible for you to truly begin enjoying life! If you doubt me, I only ask you to taste and see.
So to sum this part up: if you want to be free to belong to your partner/spouse/fiance, you must first be a slave to Jesus. Only He can free you from the traps of this world, such that you can fully give yourself to a relationship. After all, He's the One who designed relationships in the first place.
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| Hint: This isn't how to do headship http://theoverflowlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/battle-of-the-sexes.jpg |
Any time that we talk about mutual giving and taking in a relationship, we have to talk about headship.
This can be a controversial topic. It is true that Scripture calls on the man to be the head of his home; to doubt that is to doubt Scripture itself. But no one should ever be fooled into thinking that "the man is the head of the home" means that he gets to rule over his wife. As Ephesians 5 states, the man is called to be the head of his wife in the same way that Jesus is the head of the church -- and Jesus laid down His life for the Church, taking responsibility for things that weren't his fault and suffering their penalty, so that His Bride could be free of them. Women who have Christian husbands should be the most loved, cared-for, provided-for, protected, liberated, and happy women on the planet!
To put it simply: Christian husbands don't get to boss their family around. Rather, they get to die for them. That's biblical headship.
So what does this mean for a dating couple? Solomon and his bride are enjoying the commitment of marriage; they belong to each other, gladly. How can a couple who isn't at that stage of commitment enjoy this?
For starters, they can realize that this is the ideal to be working towards. Anything that conflicts with this should probably be a red flag. For example, suppose the girl in the relationship is always domineering, demanding that her guy do everything she says, and uses emotional manipulation when he doesn't, such that this man feels more like her slave than her partner. That's a strong sign that a relationship with her won't reach this ideal; rather than "he is mind and I am his," it will more likely be "he is mine, and he will do what I say." That's not going to be a happy relationship, for either of them. She likely has trust issues, and tries to act like God to ensure her happiness and safety, but in doing so she's crushing the spirit of her man, preventing him from truly serving her in love. Instead, he serves her out of fear, trying hard to avoid an emotional explosion or her subtle forms of punishment.
Conversely, if the man abuses "headship" and tries to rule his relationship like a business, or an army, or a dictatorship, he's going to make his girl very unhappy. She will wither under his rules, rather than prosper and grow. The goal of a Christian man, whether in dating or in marriage, should be to ensure that his woman is able to grow into everything that God is calling her to be. If the woman in his life is feeling the opposite of that, he's failing in this area. It's no longer "she is mine and I am hers," but rather "she is mine, and I will rule over her." To put it simply: guys, women do not exist in your lives to go make you a sandwich on command. Rather, you exist in her life to help her become all that God is calling her to be.
Furthermore, in the dating world, everyone is usually on their best behavior. We have an unspoken cultural assumption that we present the perfect, idealized version of ourselves in dating, in order to woo the other person into committing to us for life. Then once we have the rings, we drop the act and let our true selves out.
So for all who are dating, beware. If there are warning signs now about this headship issue, things will likely only get worse. And no, you can't fix the other person by yourself. That's something only God can do. You might be able to manipulate them into changing behavior whenever you're around, but only God can change their heart. So if a person is showing warning signs of not being able to be "he is mine and I am his," pray for them. Pray for yourself as well, because there are undoubtedly blindspots in your own life that you need to work on. If things begin to improve (especially when you are not trying to manipulate them into right behavior), then this might be a relationship worth continuing. If things don't improve, you might just have to call this one off, given that the future prospects are not looking good.
If a couple is already married and realizes they are falling short of this ideal, then it's time for counseling. Find a pastor or a biblical counselor who can help you reclaim the balance in your relationship, so that you both can be free to enjoy this relationship as God intended.
This is speaking of marital intimacy, in a very non-graphic, metaphorical way. The message is clear: if you properly get "my beloved is mine, and I am his," then this is the kind of night you can expect to enjoy in your marriage!
I won't spend too much time here, since this is a blog primarily for single people or dating couples, and talking of physical intimacy won't do us much good, except for the following few points.
First, notice that intimacy comes only after they get verse 16 right. It's not reversed. Our hormones want it to be; we want to sleep together first, when we're caught in the throes of passion, and then somehow believe that we can build up a proper marital balance from there. Usually, that's impossible. I say that because your starting place is atrocious. Verse 16 is mutual self-lessness; the husband and wife belong to each other, meaning that they serve each other. They don't abuse each other, and they're not selfish towards each other. Yet if you go for physical intimacy first, you are starting with selfishness. It happens to be somewhat mutual selfishness; you both want this intimacy, enough to allow it to happen, anyway, even if one person is the aggresor and the other merely allows it. Regardless, you're starting with selfishness, with "I want, so I use you," rather than "I love, so I serve you." It's really hard to get to both of you saying "I love, so I serve you" when you begin your relationship on "I want, so I use you."
Note: it can be incredibly easy to follow your hormones in dating, especially if both of you want the experience. Yet even if it's mutual, it's not beneficial. It will almost always do some kind of damage. Sometimes the damage can be repaired through repentance; sometimes not. But if you truly want to treasure someone, to express love to them, don't take advantage of their body before the commitment of marriage.
If you have taken advantage of someone in this way, you need to apologize and repent, immediately. Even if you both are fine with fooling around before marriage, it is preventing you from reaching this point of "I love, so I serve you." Right now, you're simply enjoying mutual selfishness; you both want the same thing. If you don't change now, if you don't take repentance seriously, you will end up clashing once your selfishness no longer desires the same thing. But if you do the hard work of changing, you can find yourselves at "I love, so I serve you," which is the ultimate protection against selfishness and abuse in relationships.
Culture says it's fine to start this way. Sleep around freely, and make sure you sleep with someone you're attracted to, to make sure you're compatible. Solomon says don't. You'll ruin your true intimacy by doing that. Instead of running towards mutual submission and servanthood, which is the beauty of verse 16, you'll be running in the opposite direction, towards selfishness. That will only make it an even longer, harder journey to go from where you are to where you should be, namely, the joy of verse 16.
In short: you can't swap these two around. 16 has to come before 17.
Note that verse 17 is not merely a casual hookup. It's not a short little fling. She wants to stay up all night, until the shadows flee, continually being with her husband in marital intimacy. That speaks of a deep passion welling up from within, from the knowledge that they love each other, serve each other, are committed to each other, that she is her beloved's and he is hers. You can't get that level of passion on a casual hook-up, or even during a dating relationship. Without the commitment (and work) of marriage, you simply can't experience verse 17.
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