Song of Solomon 2:15: Kill the Foxes, Save the Love

[15] "Catch the foxes for us,
              the little foxes
          that spoil the vineyards,
              for our vineyards are in blossom.”

(Song of Solomon 2:15 ESV)


The theology of this verse is actually fairly simple, although working out what it means practically could take a lifetime.

Solomon rushed to the house of his beloved, immensely eager to be with her. He invites her to spend a day with him by reciting a beautiful poem he has written for her, showing how much time and effort he has put into this attempt to gain what he greatly treasures: a day spent entirely with her. They spend the day talking and gazing at each other, delighting to get to know each other in the realm of Face and Voice.

And then, at the end of all this, is the desire to catch the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards. In the Ancient Near East, foxes were almost always hated creatures, because they would sneak into gardens and each the fruit of the plants before they could be enjoyed by the gardeners. Foxes were destructive, ruining vineyards and causing much unhappiness.

In verse 15, the couple speaks of their relationship poetically, saying "our vineyards are in blossom." The flowers of their love are blossoming, and the last thing they want is for the beauty of their romance to be destroyed by foxes.

This verse, then, is a command to all lovers to examine their relationship and kill the foxes that threaten to destroy them. By extension, this is also a command to single people who want to date to go to war against foxes in their lives right now, so that when they arrive at dating, they will be able to nurture a beautiful vineyard, without constantly fending off fox attacks.

For some of you, this might be all that you need to read. Perhaps in reading just this much, the Holy Spirit has already been at work in you, showing you what you need to work on, which foxes you need to kill.

For the rest of us, it might be helpful to talk about some of the common foxes in relationships, and as single people. As you read these, prayerfully consider this list, and ask God to point out to you any that you need to go to war against. Then absolutely destroy these foxes, before they destroy your relationship!

The biggest fox by far, for a couple or a single person: not treasuring Christ above all. This may seem like an odd fox, but it affects everything. There are lots of rules that you can obey in dating, and they're wonderful: don't be in compromising situations, don't be in a bedroom with the door closed, have mentors who will keep you accountable, etc. Do these things; they'll help.

But eventually you'll want to break one or two of these rules, and you'll ask yourself "why am I following this rule, anyway?" If you're only following it because someone told you to, it's probably not going to stick all that well, and you may well end up compromising yourselves. On the other hand, if you are following these rules because you love Jesus and you want to keep yourselves faithful to Him, then there's a wealth of strength available to help you keep these rules.


Foxes for Dating and Engaged Couples:

• Wandering eyes, wandering thoughts. If you're scoping out your options, it's telling your partner that you're not satisfied with them, and it's cultivating a heart of dis-satisfaction in you.
• The thought "it's not exclusive" yet. In dating, you are training your heart for marriage, which is a lifelong commitment to one person. So don't train your heart for adultery by always keeping an eye open for something better!
• Impossibly high standards. If you demand near-perfection from a romantic partner, you'll only end up frustrated, and they'll feel under-valued.
• Dangerously low standards. If you will consider anybody, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. You are also likely ignoring the fact that you are precious and holy, a dearly beloved child of the King, one who can hope for a good match!
• The tyranny of "feelings." American culture tells you to follow your heart, but the Bible says the heart is deceitful and wicked above all things! If you only follow your feelings and emotions, you won't be able to sustain any long-term relationship. There will always be hard moments that you have to work through, when the last thing you want to do is work through them. 
• Bad advice. When you need relationship advice, don't turn to humans who have been shaped by culture. Turn to Scripture, and let God teach, rebuke, correct, and train you with His words. Go to Christians who will give you Scriptural advice, not to humans who will give you worldly advice.
• Trying to be God. If you have to know, have to be in control, have to keep tabs on your partner at all times, can't trust them to be alone without you, etc., then you might just be a control freak. This isn't healthy, and it will likely choke your partner to the death of the relationship.
• Fear of rejection clouding everything. If you can't think straight for fear of possibly being rejected, you need to spend some time focusing on God and finding your identity in His love for you, which will never fade, spoil, or perish. 
• Fear of past repeating itself. The past is the past; the future is new. Don't expect the future to be like the past, or you'll never get to enjoy where you're at. If you can't stop seeing everything through the lens of the past, you may need counseling before you're ready to move on.
• Isolation; lacking people to speak into your romantic life. Don't go this alone! If it's just you and your beloved up against the world, you are far more likely fail than if you surround yourself with caring, loving friends, family, mentors, and accountability partners.
• Fear of loneliness, trying to land someone ASAP. If you are dating just so that you don't feel lonely, you need to spend time with God alone, so that He can satisfy you with His presence. 
• Selfishness. This is present in everyone, and every time it rears its ugly head, it destroys something. Go to war against this fox immediately, and never stop.
• Always defending yourself, never apologizing, creating excuses, not owning it when you mess up. To fix this bit of emotional immaturity, spend time with Jesus, and realize that in Him you are no longer guilty of your sin. He has taken away all the shame of your guilt. So you can be honest about your failures, because they cannot stain you any more!
• Creating too little chemistry. Some people are so terrified of opening up that they can't produce chemistry for the life of them, and thus find it hard to attract people romantically. To solve this, again, spend time with Jesus! Find solace in His never-ending love for you, and let His comforting presence tear down the walls you've built to protect yourself.
• Creating too much chemistry, coming on overly strong. This can be stifling to those you approach, and it reveals an insecurity in you. If you come on too strong, trying to pile on the chemistry before you even know the person, it can send the message that you're not interested in them as much as you are interested in romance. This can make them feel used, instead of loved.
• Lying about yourself to attract someone. This is huge, and it is deadly. If you create a false, more-perfect version of you, and you attract someone with it, eventually they'll see through it. When they do, it could shatter everything you've built with them. It is far, far better to be honest up front and comfortable with who you are, rather than trying to be someone else. 
• Trying to manipulate God, becoming "content" in God only so that God will see your maturity and instantly bring your future spouse. Becoming content in God never ends. There is no magic threshold of Godly delight you can reach, at which point He will give you what you desire. Instead, simply focus on spending every day delighting in Him. Keep your eyes open, keep praying, and as you trust Him, He will bring you to your beloved, in His timing.
• Not correcting how society has already warped your expectations of how to pursue a relationship. If you watch a lot of TV or romantic movies, the odds are that you have some dangerously incorrect information in your brain about dating and romance. Worse, you don't even know it, because it feels right and it's what everyone says. Spend time studying Song of Solomon, studying Scripture, and let God correct what society has corrupted.
• Expecting too much, too soon. Girls often expect commitment before a guy is ready; guys often expect physical pleasures (even such things as holding hands and hugging) before the girl is ready. If you are expecting more and your partner isn't ready, it can ruin the relationship if you aren't patient with them. At the same time, if you stay at the same level for four years and are never willing to move on, there's probably something in you that needs work.
• Rushing through the realm of Face and Voice. Before marriage, spend as much time talking and simply enjoying each other's company. Build a solid friendship as a dating couple, and this friendship will help sustain you in your marriage, making it far more enjoyable than it otherwise would be.
• Focusing on emotional stimulation instead of friendship. Like the point above, focus on getting to know each other, not on the stimulation you can give each other.
• Not knowing how to handle sin. if Jesus has forgiven you of everything, then you should be able to forgive each other of anything. If you can't, spend some time focusing on the magnitude of your sin against God, and how gracious He was to forgive you entirely. Focus on the man on the Cross, suffering for your screw-ups. Then you should be able to turn and forgive.

Foxes as a single person. Kill these now, or they will eat up your relationship later:

• Porn, lust in all its various forms, sleeping around, etc. This is the sin that crippled Solomon. Despite being the wisest, richest, most Godly man on earth, he lusted after women, and it destroyed him. Kill this fox wherever it lurks in your life, and ask God to renew your mind in purity. Society lies to you and says this is a victimless crime. 
• Rampant selfishness. When you're single, you're more selfish than at any other time in life. So focus now on being self-less, on putting others first, on serving instead of always being served.
• Neglecting responsibility. If you train yourself in singleness to have as little responsibility as possible, that attitude will carry through into relationships, and it can easily destroy them.
• Neglecting Christ-centeredness. Again, this is the most crucial issue. You've got a ton of time now, as a single person, so spend it on Christ and delighting your heart in Him. This is the single greatest thing you can do to prepare yourself for romance!
• Ignorance, not studying Song of Solomon and the rest of Scripture, not preparing for a relationship. It's amazing how many people take no time to prepare for romance, and just plan to wing it. This will almost certainly result in a heck of a lot of unecessary pain, for you and for whoever you pursue.
• Filling your head with the thoughts of the world, instead of the thoughts of God.
• Spending your focus on entertainment, rather than development and productivity. God wants you to aspire to a lot more than mastering video games and being caught up on your favorite TV shows. Take on a few projects and be productive now, when you have time. It will impress potential romantic targets.
• Not going to war against your sin. If you live comfortably with your sin, instead of fighting it now, it will make it nearly impossible to live comfortably with a beloved person. Instead, you'll be fighting with them.
• Coveting what you don't have, and mistakenly believing that it will be the only thing to give you happiness. This will lead you to creating idols and worshiping them with your money, your attention, your words, and your time. This will keep you away from God, and it will prepare your heart for a lifetime of sinful disappointment, as no god besides Jesus can ever truly satisfy you.
• Developing unrealistic expectations. Usually guys expect to date a supermodel, while failing to do anything necessary to aspire to a woman's high expectations, like having a well-paying job, being responsible, being a good leader, and loving Jesus above all.
• Having a wrong view of God, and being enslaved to it. Not understanding the Gospel and its implications for every area of your life. If you think of God as anything less than the most loving and the most satisfying Person in all of existence, then you don't know the real God. Spend some time in prayer and in His Word until you do know the real Him!

These lists were primarily constructed from memory, from stories I've heard, from commands the Bible gives us, from asking God in prayer for more wisdom, and from listening to the wisdom of others. As there will undoubtedly be more, feel free to tell me on Facebook or in the comments here of any additional foxes we need to be aware of. Your wisdom may just help save another couple!