In these past few posts, we've explored a lot of what the Song of Solomon has to teach us about how to resolve conflict in romantic relationship. Conflict is inevitable; as this song demonstrates, even a couple madly in love will sin against each other. But, as this song also demonstrates, it's possible to resolve these conflicts in love, without damaging the relationship.
To close out this discussion, we'll spend a little time exploring some additional thoughts about the conflict. As a few readers have pointed out, there's a few things I missed, so we'll revisit them.
To begin with, let's re-examine the start of this whole series of events:
[2] I slept, but my heart was awake.
A sound! My beloved is knocking.
“Open to me, my sister, my love,
my dove, my perfect one,
for my head is wet with dew,
my locks with the drops of the night.”
(Song of Solomon 5:2 ESV)
As we studied before, Solomon is coming back from a long day of doing kingly duties, and only wants to be intimate with his wife.
What I had not noticed is how unfair Solomon is being in his expectations.
Solomon says that his head is wet with dew, with the drops of the night. That means that he has been out very, very late, so much so that it's probably well past midnight. His bride has understandably gone to bed several hours earlier.
Then Solomon, even though he's a wise man, commits a very common man-mistake. Men, listen up; we do this often. We shouldn't.
Note the inconvenience of Solomon's request. He wants to be with his wife, as any newly married man would, but she's been sleeping, possibly for several hours. Like any newly married woman, she likely waited up eagerly for Solomon to get back from work, only to wait for hours and see nothing of him. She's probably feeling disappointed, and possibly a bit rejected, herself. After all, Solomon just chose to spend several hours at work instead of choosing to spend them with her. And yet he just expects her to get up and service his needs, brushing aside his ill-treatment of her.
Even though Solomon is exceptionally wise, he doesn't pick up on what she must be feeling. He doesn't see the error of his ways.
Men, I think that we are often blind to this kind of thing because we're wired naturally to justify ourselves based on our work. Women, pay attention here, because you might learn something about the heart of men.
Solomon doesn't immediately see that his wife felt rejected, because he viewed his work as important. He had every reason to think so; after all, he's the king of Israel! His work is truly important. The lives and well-being of thousands of his people hang on his every decision. So when he spends a late night at work dealing with the troubles of the realm, he probably feels pretty good about himself. He's probably walking to the door of their bedroom feeling proud that he was able to handle the crises so well. The confidence he feels from this may be part of why he boldly, without hesitation, asks his wife for an intimate encounter straight-away.
Solomon justifies himself with his work. Like all men, he takes pride in a job well done. He can get lost in his work because he has a man's heart, and it just feels good to tackle a problem, work hard at it, and fix it.
And because he's so wrapped up in work being his justification, he forgets entirely to try and see things through his wife's eyes.
You see, men, not all confidences are created equal. Women love confidence in men, but some kinds of confidence lead to conflict, particularly when that confidence is rooted in selfishness.
Solomon's confidence in this moment is a selfish confidence. He's focused entirely on himself, on the merit of the work he's done, on the victory he finally won after slogging it out well into the night. This is the kind of confidence where you re-play the events of the day in your mind and congratulate yourself on how well you handled them. And this self-focus leads him to into conflict, because he's so self-congratulatory that he doesn't take time to consider how his wife might be feeling.
It feels good as humans to focus on ourselves when we do something well. It's an easy trap to fall into. But if we let ourselves get caught up in it, we'll inevitably be lead into conflict, because we can't be loving others well when we're so wrapped up in ourselves.
Imagine, men, what could have happened if Solomon had considered his wife ahead of himself. For starters, he probably wouldn't have woken her up in the middle of the night, realizing that it's not exactly fair to disturb her sleep just because he worked late. This would mean that he wouldn't get to sleep in his own bed that night, but he's in the palace; there's plenty of places to crash comfortably. He could have quietly tested the door to see if it was unlocked, and if so, slipped softly into bed, trying not to wake his bride. If it was locked, he could crash on the couch.
Instead of a conflict, they both get a good night's rest. The late hour kept them from being physically intimate that night, but they're both very much in love with each other. As she demonstrates in the text, she even felt amorous towards him in the middle of the night, after she had woken fully from her dreams. It's a safe bet that these feelings would emerge again when she discovers him on the couch in the morning, having sacrificed the comfort of the bed so that she could get a good night's sleep. Men, women tend to like it when you put them first, when you consider their needs above your own.
Of course, Solomon could have avoided the situation entirely by not staying at work so late. While it is true that he has an entire country to rule, the people are still only his subjects. His wife is his wife, the one person on earth he has become one with. He owes his time to her more than he owes his time to his subjects. If he had considered her feelings in this sense and gone back home at a decent time, there wouldn't have been any hint of conflict.
This post is long enough already, so I'll get to the point.
Oftentimes our conflicts with each other come not from ill intent, but from being focused on ourselves. You can avoid a thousand conflicts by simply taking a few moments to consider what your partner may be feeling at any given time and acting accordingly.
One of the reasons we don't do this more regularly is that we naturally focus on our own feelings. If we feel good about ourselves, we don't immediately realize that someone close to us might be feeling exactly the opposite.
If we wait until we sense a conflict before we start to consider how our partner might feel, we've already missed it.
Instead, make it a habit to constantly consider things through your partner's eyes. You might not be perfect; you might try, yet still get it horribly wrong. Don't worry. In this case, it's the thought that counts. It's hard to start arguing with someone who just did everything they could to try and put you first.
To help you with this, men, let me urge to you to focus anew on the Gospel. Instead of taking your pride and confidence from your work, take your confidence from the fact that God the Father loves you as His son. Take your confidence from the fact that God loved you before you had accomplished a single thing with your life. In fact, while you were dead in your sins, absolutely worthless, in that moment God chose to give you His full and complete love, acceptance, affirmation, and approval. God's love for you isn't based on your performance!
Let that sink in, focus on it regularly, and you won't have such a need to justify yourself with your work. If you are affirmed by God, you won't need to constantly affirm yourself through other means. Then, since your heart is full of affirmation instead of craving more of it, you can focus on loving others, instead of focusing on yourself.
And with that, we discover one more way that love covers over a multitude of sins.
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