SoS 6:11-13 Time Management

Something else jumped out at me from the passage last time, but since that post was long enough already, we'll tackle it today. A refresher:

[She]
    [11] I went down to the nut orchard
        to look at the blossoms of the valley,
    to see whether the vines had budded,
        whether the pomegranates were in bloom.
    [12] Before I was aware, my desire set me
        among the chariots of my kinsman, a prince.
[Others]
    [13]  Return, return, O Shulammite,
        return, return, that we may look upon you.
[He]
    Why should you look upon the Shulammite,
        as upon a dance before two armies?
(Song of Solomon 6:11-13 ESV)

This message is targeted to everyone: single friends, dating couples, married folk, and anyone else who for some reason isn't included in those categories.

Our topic today is time management. Boring topic, I know, but it's a crucial thing for everyone to understand if romance is to blossom unhindered!

Consider the verses above. Solomon's wife runs and grabs her husband for some intimate time, while her friends chase at her heels and want to spend the time with her, instead.

Let's deal with the obvious things first. Solomon and his bride are married. When they want to spend time together, their friends should have let them, instead of continuing to pester them for their time. Not only is the constant hounding annoying to the couple in love, but it can also heap feelings of guilt on them, if they feel like they're disappointing their friends every time they spend an evening with just themselves. Friends, don't be selfish and heap guilt on your married friends; let them be alone together in peace!

First lesson: friends, let couples be alone together when they want to be! Simple enough.

Bonus content: you could even be super friends by orchestrating a night alone for the couples you're friends with. Instead of clamoring for their time, give them some time; plan the evening out in secret and give it to them as a surprise after they've had a busy week. This is especially welcome if the couple has lots of kids, as kids tend to clutter up a couple's schedule pretty quick.

I remember Mark Driscoll telling a story of how he and his wife Grace went to a family they knew who had a lot of children. They asked the parents if they could watch the kids for one night a week, giving the parents a free date night for themselves. The parents were pleasantly surprised; they hadn't had a date night alone for a long time. Needless to say, they were incredibly grateful!

Now let's turn our attention to couples who are not married, but are dating or engaged.

Again, let's point out the obvious: dating couples want to spend time with each other. This is right and good and beautiful. No one has to tell dating couples to spend lots of time together; this is something every couple wants to do, and rightly so! It's hard to get to know someone if you're not spending time with them.

Still, it should be said that you don't have quite the same rights to each others' time as a married couple does, especially if your dating relationship is relatively young. It's not exactly right for a couple who just met to spend every waking moment with each other, clinging to each other so tightly that you ignore your friends and family.

I'm going to spend a bit of time on this, since it's sadly very common for people new to the dating scene to not grasp how the time management thing works. It can also be indicative of a deeper problem, and if that problem isn't dealt with, you'll have a lot worse things to deal with than a  schedule.

If you are clinging that tightly that quickly, it can often be a sign of desperation and idolatry. It often signifies that your heart is not satisfied by God. Instead of being defined by your relationship with Him, you are seeking to be satisfied and defined by your relationship with this other person. This elevates your romantic partner to the level of a god, expecting them to satisfy you in ways that only God can. You might be able to sustain it for a little while, but eventually it will stifle your partner to death as you keep expecting them to do more than any human can possibly do. This is often the death of a relationship.

In short: if you think Jesus' love can never be as beautiful as the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you don't know Jesus! If this is you, then I urge you to spend some time reading the Gospels and meditating on how well Jesus loves people. Focus on Eph 2:1-10 and let your heart be amazed at the fact that God chose to love you when you were still dead in your sins, when you were so covered in guilt that you deserved hell. He loved you without anything to commend you to Him; you don't have to work for His affection! He died in your place to make you alive in Him, because He wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. He is absolutely delighted to spend every moment with you that He can. If you ever mess up, He won't punish you; He already punished Jesus in your place for your sins, and He won't punish the same sin twice. He will only respond to you with more love.

Additionally, being attracted to your partner is a beautiful and necessary thing, but being clingy can be an instant turn-off. Girls tend to be attracted to men with confidence. If a man wants to spend all of his time around her and clings like a little puppy dog, desperate for her constant attention, he's indicating that he has very little confidence in himself, making him very non-appealing in the average woman's eye.

So what is a good balance for a dating couple? In part, it depends on your schedule, but at the least, you each should have some free time every week that's not spent with each other. If your normal circle of friends feels like you've disappeared and they never see you, something's probably not as it should be.

Easy solution: hang out with your significant other and your friends at the same time! Don't keep them separate, as some are prone to do. After all, it's good for your friends to vet your significant other. If they approve, all the better! And if for some reason they don't approve as strongly as you do, maybe it's work asking if they see something you're overlooking.

In general, you and your dating partner should want to spend more time with each other. If you are so desperate for their time that they feel like they have to be with you constantly, or they feel like you are always wanting more, it can chip away at their eagerness to spend time with you.

Additionally, these kinds of clingy tendencies can be signs of having control issues. If you feel insecure, stressed, and worried when you're not with your partner, that's a sign that you're not trusting God with this relationship, that you want to be in control, that you fear what might happen if you're not in control. You need to trust God, here. He knows what to do.

Think about it this way. If God wants you two together, then He will bless your relationship as you trust Him. Also, He'll do a better job of controlling everything than you ever could.

On the other hand, He might know that you two are better off with other people, so He might lovingly end this relationship to move you on to something better. Either way, trust Him, and it'll go extremely well.

Once you are married though, you not only have the right to spend ridiculous amounts of time with each other, but you also have the responsibility. In marriage, you are pledging to be the one person on earth who will love this woman/man more than anyone else, who will always be there for them, who will make their happiness and well-being your responsibility. That's a serious commitment. That means that if your spouse is feeling lonely, you drop everything and go to them. Often in marriage, time is love. If your spouse doesn't feel like they get enough of your time, give it to them.


And we'll cap it off there, since this post is already longer than anticipated. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Fair warning: the posts for Wednesday and Friday might be a bit shorter than usual, given that it's a holiday, and I'll be prepping to preach a sermon on Sunday.